Hello!
I'm D, a thirtysomething who has been rolling questions of gender around for a few years now, and still isn't sure what to make of it all.
Yes, I know this is a first post (actually signed up to firstly seek advice about this subject in particular) and yes I'm pretty sure you also get folks asking "Am I trans/not trans?" here a lot. It is, I would have thought, one of the more common topics on this particular forum as it is such a thorny, complex and above all important question.
But here I am, asking for opinions.
So, my story.
The idea of questioning my gender and wondering about the exact nature of it has been something I'd not really considered in any serious manner up until a few years ago. However...there had been odd occasions in the past where I'd looked at womens clothing in admiration, pretty much from puberty onwards. An interest for various clothing (whether it was leather, latex or some other material of a similar type) was one of the earliest interests I developed, and I thoroughly enjoyed (and still enjoy) collecting pictures of models wearing it. Also, there had been a rare one or two occasions where the opportunity to put on a pair of knee boots had presented itself, and doing so had given me a massive rush. And I remember seeing a leather jacket/skirt combo on sale in my teens and thinking..."I'd like to try that on...". (Was a one-time thing as far as I remember though.)
But, until recently, I had thought that my interest had been in the clothing from an aesthetic perspective alone, and from not wearing it myself (that one occasion above aside).
Until a rather unconnected discovery and reading a couple of passages from a rather well-known book linking the two gave me some new insights, and began my questioning.
(I hope what follows is acceptable for this area of the forum.)
For the longest time, when I had engaged in stimulation, my fantasies had run the gamut. As my different inclinations grew, so did the varying numbers of fantasies. But there had always been a pretty constant element within each differing fantasy.
The main protagonists had always appeared to be ciswomen. No cisblokes involved whatsoever. Every single time I had..done the thing, the fantasy had involved all ciswomen.
Mostly, I thought this was pretty typical male fantasy territory (because Girl on Girl is Hot, right?). However, as time passed by, the structure of the fantasies began to shift. I imagined not just being an imaginary voyeur for what was going on...but actually being in the body of one of the women involved, regardless of the fantasy. Transformation played a part in this too...becoming a woman, or even an item of womans clothing for a dominant lady to wear, began to have a real appeal to me.
And then I came across a rather interesting passage from the acclaimed trans woman author Julia Serano in her book Whipping Girl. It said, "Every trans person I've spoken with about this - whether MTF, FTM, homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual - has said that their fantasies involve at some level being in the appropriately sexed body."
That struck a chord. It seemed that the way I fantasised was pretty typical of a lot of the trans population. Or...at the very least, I fantasised in a similar way to a trans woman.
Within the same book, there was another passage too.
"I do believe that it is possible for cissexuals to catch a glimpse of their subconscious sex. When I do presentations on trans issues, I try to accomplish this by asking the audience a question: If I offered you ten million dollars under the condition that you live as the other sex for the rest of your life, would you take me up on the offer? While there is often some wiseass in the audience who will say Yes, the vast majority of people shake their heads to indicate No. Their responses clearly have nothing to do with gender privileges, because both women and men, queers and straights insist that they wouldn't be willing to make that change. When I ask individuals why they answered no, they usually get a bit flustered at first, as if they are at a loss for words. Eventually, they end up saying something like, Because I just am a woman (or man), or, It just wouldn't be right."
I remember reading that passage, and thinking I'd say yes. In a heartbeat. Which, I've been told, is pretty telling in itself.
And that was coupled with a continuing interest in female clothing. Thanks to a very good friend, I have been able to indulge this need recently. The response of my mind to this, has been interesting. Though wearing items of female clothing didn't give me the sense of 'rightness' that I have seen many trans authors anecdote about, wearing them felt normal. Like wearing any other item of clothing.
Another thing that I have thought about is given the fear I have regarding attitudes of certain parts of the public towards transfolk, that if I really wanted to transition I would wish to do it in a way that meant I passed 99.9% of the time in public. Now...I'm not sure if that particular aspect is a fear of transitioning, or just a fear of what other people think and not appearing "right" to them (in their own slanted view, of course).
Now, all of the above could be explained away by the simple need to crossdress to satisfy an urge, and I have had little sense of the feeling of what many others would call dysphoria (in the sense of depression, angst or other negativity towards my body) also, and the urge to adopt a woman persona does come and go. There is still a sense of something holding me back - whether it's denial, or a sense of confusion, or that I don't 'fit the bill'...I simply don't know.
Which is what has led me here, to seek advice from people who have already perhaps experienced what I have, and if not to seek an answer, at least to get some advice about where my mind is at now on the gender spectrum based on similar experiences of others.
I have watched a lot of YouTube videos, read a lot of blogs about the topic (something that again I have been told is quite telling), and I've heard a dozen times that the only one that really knows is your own self...but to be honest I've been rolling this question around in my head for a while now and I'm still not really close to an answer.
So...while I know you can't (and shouldn't) tell me flat out whether or not I'm trans or something different, I'd at least appreciate some advice on my experiences and what the learned people here think of them as per this topic. I know there isn't a strict match-them-up checklist that you have to go through (nor should there be) but I would be interested in hearing if my experience tallies at all.
Thanks in advance. If you have any further questions to ask me regarding this in order to further advise me, please fire away and I'll do my best.
And thanks also in advance for the welcome. It's very good to sign up and be on here at last, and I hope to post more as I discover more about my identity.
D.
