Hi everyone.
My boyfriend disclosed to me early on in our relationship that he was born intersexed. When he was a young child the doctors did an operation on his genitalia to make them appear as a normal male.
He lived his whole life as a male
He only found out about being intersexed when he was in his early twenties and has told m he had a really tough time coming to terms with it and was suicidal.
I have asked him before if he ever thought he should have been a female and he told me no, he os definitely male.
The only thing is, i have found old journals of his from about 15 years ago where he says he wants to be female and even began transitioning. There was also information sheets on being transgender and a lot of research etc.
Is this something I should tell him I found so that he can talk to me about it? I do wonder if he ever still has feelings of wanting to be female.. or maybe he is now completely sure he is male and doesnt need to talk about it?
I just wish he could have told me the truth. I have known for over a year now and feel like I am the one keeping a secret.

It's tough when you know something that maybe you're not supposed to know. Unless these journals were somewhere you'd be expected to find them, not tucked away somewhere, you should be very careful about revealing you have seen them.

Perhaps you can broach the topic of gender identity in a different way, over time, and see if it goes anywhere.

Does he seem to have some lurking issues about it?

Welcome to Susan's Place. That's a difficult question to answer because I suspect your boyfriend may not be telling you the whole truth about his feelings. The first question you need to answer is if your boyfriend wants to transition, will you remain together. The answer to this question is important because he may fear losing you should he decide to transition. If you will remain together no matter what, then you need to make that clear and instead of asking a direct question, as a little more about his past. Avoid mentioning what you found as much as you can however don't lie about what you found.

We often are very uncomfortable about revealing our feeling about this and tend to only come out when the pressure is great or we are comfortable that it's safe to do so. You don't want to deal with the pressure but you can make it safe to come out.

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I dont see any signs that he is having gender identity issues. But its possible I wouldn't know if he was, and I'd want him to feel comfortable talking about it.
Is it possible that after many years he realised that he is definitely male or do you think it is something that would continue to come up for him?
We have talked about gender identity before like when we are watching tv shows about transgendered people and knows I'm open with all that stuff.
I dont think I need to think about whether or not I would stay with him if he transitioned as I dont even know if he is having these thoughts.

Frankie,

Welcome to the site.

At the risk of prompting you to do more snooping you regret.... Did the journal state that after experimenting with transitioning that it was a mistake? Are they moody? Are they seeing a therapist? Were they before and are not now? What prompted them to tell you about being intersex.

I think you should not think of this as lying. Not all intersex people transition or feel the need to. Dena is right that we tend to be a secretive lot that gets pretty good at convincing ourselves of things. They may be convinced they don't need to test further. However, the question comes down to are you happy with them right now? Is this knowledge threatening to your relationship and/or your piece of mind?

I think I have given you as many questions as you have us. I don't think you should tell them unless they invited you to read them(then ask for clarification). As always, my posts are my opinions. Keep or throw out ideas as you see fit.

Good luck.

Warmly,

Joanna

The primary thing around here that terminates relationships is the desire to transition but number two is secrecy. Secrecy in any relationship is bad because it show a lack of trust in your partner. Granted, I have never been in a relationship so you can say I don't know how it feels but should I become involved, the important information about me will be known as we progress.

My concern is we can and do bury what we feel for a long time. We have member who have raised a family with all the children out the door and they are just now dealing with feelings that they may have had as very young children. Could that be happening here, I don't know. Without an adult to adult conversation, this could remain an issue you will need to deal with in the future. That is why I ask about you feelings about him transitioning. Around here you have a right to express your discomfort with a transition. You can't be expected to change your sexual attraction and if you can't there is a 50/50 chance of this relationship lasting.

Quote from: Frankie17 on March 26, 2017, 09:52:45 PM
Hi everyone.
My boyfriend disclosed to me early on in our relationship that he was born intersexed. When he was a young child the doctors did an operation on his genitalia to make them appear as a normal male.
He lived his whole life as a male
He only found out about being intersexed when he was in his early twenties and has told m he had a really tough time coming to terms with it and was suicidal.
I have asked him before if he ever thought he should have been a female and he told me no, he os definitely male.
The only thing is, i have found old journals of his from about 15 years ago where he says he wants to be female and even began transitioning. There was also information sheets on being transgender and a lot of research etc.
Is this something I should tell him I found so that he can talk to me about it? I do wonder if he ever still has feelings of wanting to be female.. or maybe he is now completely sure he is male and doesnt need to talk about it?
I just wish he could have told me the truth. I have known for over a year now and feel like I am the one keeping a secret.

Honestly I don't think I'd bring it up with him unless he brings it up himself, especially if you came across the journals looking somewhere where you shouldn't have been/invading his privacy. The journals are from 15 years ago, as you said, and it well could have been that finding out he was intersex or having "suspicions" about his body/medical history beforehand could have caused him to question or feel conflicted about his gender/sex at some point in his life. But if now he's telling you that's not an issue for him, then I wouldn't push him regardless of his feelings. The only thing I would do in your shoes is just reaffirming your support regardless. That's all you can do really, and I think pushing him on it based on an assumption is probably a bad idea. Also I don't think either that he should be obliged to tell you about any questions about his gender he may have had in the past after finding out he was intersex. Secrecy can be unhealthy for a relationship, yes, but people should also be able to decide what they want/don't want to disclose to others. To me that's not secrecy but privacy.