It is unfortunate that I am 57 years old and have taken this long to discover my true self. I supressed my desires to be feminine for years. I had fantasies as a young kid that I was a girl-especially a girl in dance class wearing a leotard and tights. I secretly dressed in my mother's underwear through puberty, but always felt ashamed. Then my feminine urges disappeared and my depression worsened. It wasn't until many years later when I was married for several years that I developed strong urges to buy and wear pantyhose and panties secretly while I was away at conferences, although it made me feel ashamed. Presently, after almost a year in therapy and an insightful wife, I began to realize I had desires to be female. Initially, I tried to make myself feel better by saying I was somewhere in the middle of the gender identity spectrum between male and female. After a while, I began to wear panties under my pants with my wife's knowledge. I also bought a lacy bra and pantyhose to wear in private in my house. Initially my wife was understanding, but soon began to reject me and the shame once again kicked in. I threw everything out. Slowly, my wife realized that depression was in a big part tied in to my suppression of being transgender and has become understanding again. She knows that I am again planning to buy some lingerie to wear under my clothes and in private without including her. She doesn't need the visuals. I don't think that just wearing lingerie in private will be enough, however,  because I have now come to realize that I want to be a total woman. I know now that I was born in the wrong body with the wrong genitalia. I don't know how far to take things. I have 3 grown children that I adore and don't  want to jeopardize those relationships. I am also scared of taking medicines and surgery. I had a bad experience with elective surgery in the past. I don't know if my wife will continue to be accepting and she may no longer be sexually attracted to me which is sad, but I know I can't stop my feelings. Supressing them just worsens my depression. My therapist is great, but I am going to try to find someone that specializes in gender issues(tough to find in my area though). If anyone has recommendations as to what else I could do to satisfy my desires I would love to hear them. Thanks!

Karenk1959,

I finally transitioned last year at age 66. Many issues allowed me to move forward with my transition. I will list them:

1. Children are grown and on their own.

2. Wife has found her own direction, which did not include me.

3. Internet revealed to me that I am not alone and there are resources available.

4. Prostate started acting up and I was prescribed T-blockers.

5. Several pensions matured and I was financially able to not work for a living.

6. Most important, I accepted myself for what I am and I decided I am not going to try to conform to what other people may want from me anymore.

7. Finally, I made a plan, worked the plan and didn't look back.

The only regret is not doing this 50 years ago.

Woo!! go you <3

Quote4. Prostate started acting up and I was prescribed T-blockers.

Did they make a difference in breast size?

Welcome to the club Karen.  I came out and started living full time as a woman at the age of 57 (what is it about being transgender and in the closet and 57?).   I didn't have a wife or kids to worry about tho since my gender noncomformity always got in the way of pursuing that path in life.  But even tho I'm old, I'm not dead.    Living as a woman has given me a new start and it's really been quite wonderful.  I also suffered from gender dysphoria-related clinical depression and even had 3 suicidal crises in my life.  It's strange looking back to see that the solution to my dilemma was quite obvious and  staring me right in the face the whole time. I'm a woman. I'm happier living as one.

1,2,3 for me, wish I had the pension

Hi, Karen.  I am 62 and just started transitioning a couple of months ago.  I am planning to go full-time in a month or two. 

It is quite perceptive of you to recognize the connection between your depression and your gender dysphoria.  Ultimately, you have to be who you are.

There are tough choices to make.  I was lucky: I had no children, I was retired on a resaonable pension, and, when I gambled my marriage and told my wife, she came through for me.  Obviously, your situation is similar in some ways and different in others.

It is a very good decision to seek out a gender therapist.  Have you checked with your current therapist to see if they know of anyone in your area?

Yay, I hope you have a nice journey going to what you really are!

Good luck!

KarenK you should seriously consider HRT.  I am 54 and I came to transition's door after suffering panic attacks for eleven years, fighting them with everything I had, and finally running out of other options.

My kids from my first marriage were grown and gone, and although my wife is not too keen on me being fully out in public all the time, she understands that I need to do this for my health.

The psychological benefits of hormones were pretty amazing for me.  Now I only have panic attacks when I have to put on the male clothes and go out and be "him."

But on the up side, I lucked into some amazing changes to my body and face.  I am at a point now that I can pass for male or female, depending on how I dress and whether or not I wear makeup.

Quote from: AnneK on March 27, 2017, 11:27:17 AM
Did they make a difference in breast size?

Yes they did! I mentioned this in past posts on this site. T-blockers may cause some mild gynecomastia. In my case, I skipped B cup bras and started wearing a C cup after several months.

About 1 % of all people using T-blockers will experience some degree of breast enlargement.

QuoteIn my case, I skipped B cup bras and started wearing a C cup after several months.

Hopefully, it'll do the same for me.  I started on the generic equivalent of Avodart today.