This is me kind of venting but I need to talk about this since I haven't been able to focus for days.

So i watch "my friend's photos" on Facebook and I feel weird, like I'm disconnected, like if all of them were actually strangers, and I know every one of them but I don't share memories with anybody of them.

I'm not part of anyone's life and nobody seems to be part of mine and the worst thing is that I feel disconnected from myself, the feeling is so uncomfortable that I can't think about stuff that happened in the past or watch photos of myself, I can't say the guy in the photos is me.

the deal I think is that I'm very stressed in part because of HRT, I had a motorcycle accident in December, I hit my head and even though I had my helmet it scrambled my ideas, I was like in zombie mode for a week, then after that I was convinced that I died for a moment there (I still think that) I was in bed basically for 2 months and when I finally was able to walk and do stuff again I got my HRT authorized.

my accident kind of wiped most of my experiences and memories, only basic stuff remained, and then add the HRT which basically makes me feel like a girl (like it should) my mind is a mess, but I don't think leaving HRT is a good idea since it seems I'm empty anyways, I just wish that however long it lasts I can feel like I have a past again.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel stranded in a veeeeery small barren island with no sky to contemplate and no ocean to marvel at

Does anybody have a similar experience? Did HRT made you feel disconnected from your past?

Well perhaps I can't answer this question, since you're in a very different situation. I'm on HRT, and no, I do have a solid connection to the person I was before. Annoyingly so even.

When I talk to myself in my head, sometimes my old name pops up. It is getting less and less, but it still happens. I never misgender myself, though, my internal image is that of a girl.

In any case, brain trauma is not to be trifled with! You do get regular checkups with your neuro, no? MRI's etc?

Quote from: LiliFee on March 31, 2017, 02:22:03 AM
Well perhaps I can't answer this question, since you're in a very different situation. I'm on HRT, and no, I do have a solid connection to the person I was before. Annoyingly so even.

When I talk to myself in my head, sometimes my old name pops up. It is getting less and less, but it still happens. I never misgender myself, though, my internal image is that of a girl.

In any case, brain trauma is not to be trifled with! You do get regular checkups with your neuro, no? MRI's etc?

yes, I was under strict medical supervision for 3 months, basically until I got desperate to get back to work, (although my performance was bad comparing me to before everything happened) my next checkup is in June I think, at first I thought my... memories? would come back soon, but I guess not, the psychiatrist told me I have no depression, I'm thinking they're just checking until I have enough new memories to stop feeling this weird isolation sensation.

and thanks for telling me that, I don't know if that only happens with you, about being so connected to your past side, I'd like to know other people's opinion about that, I always thought it was the other way around.

Alanna,

The accident you described is very much a traumatic stress that affects the way you perceive others around you. You are in a condition that is today called "post traumatic stress syndrome". PTSD is not just for military veterans. It affects everyone who has survived any kind of traumatic event. It is a serious condition.

The most important thing about PTSD is to recognize the symptoms. That is, the unusual feelings, such as isolation and hopelessness. Talking to your counselor and support group is most important for full recovery from PTSD.

My experience about PTSD comes from service in Viet Nam and working for the VA hospital system for many years. I know how you are feeling and there is help available. Proper help will speed recovery and make survival much more pleasant.

Best wishes and  remember, you have a support group here in Susan's Place, but there is nothing as good as face to face support.

Now you mention it. . .

Not exactly, because there was never a gulf or mental dichotomy for me between old and new. I see my old pictures and of course you couldn't get more opposite than seeing a little 12 year old blond girl holding a kitten, and a 30 something dark-haired man, now.

But, there have been previous states or transformations I felt I went through, and I quickly forgot the mindstate I was in during those times and replaced them. I am already leaving behind the mental state I was in the last couple of years, especially since beginning to take testosterone. I wouldn't say that it makes me a different person, but the habit of leaving the past behind is something of a lifelong ritual with me, and it seems I've actually forgotten details of things that other family members find strange that I could have forgotten. I don't believe HRT had anything to do with it, but I am quite certain that suffering a lack of both T and E in the past did affect my short term memory.

There is some apparent link between declining E levels and memory loss, although it sounds more likely your accident has something to do with yours. A close family member of mine had a brain injury at one point and experienced memory loss, although within 6 months they had recovered almost all of their memory and were left only with mild dyslexia. It takes the brain time to reorganize after a serious disruption, and from what I heard, you can help the process along by looking into your memories and try to go over them again or find someone to talk with about them to help stimulate you to recall. Getting some advice from a medical professional about it would probably be a good idea.

Moving this question to Community Conversation/Transitioning/Hormone Replacement Therapy

Warmly,

Joanna

Quote from: Kylo on March 31, 2017, 03:34:24 PM

But, there have been previous states or transformations I felt I went through, and I quickly forgot the mindstate I was in during those times and replaced them. I am already leaving behind the mental state I was in the last couple of years, especially since beginning to take testosterone. I wouldn't say that it makes me a different person, but the habit of leaving the past behind is something of a lifelong ritual with me, and it seems I've actually forgotten details of things that other family members find strange that I could have forgotten. I don't believe HRT had anything to do with it, but I am quite certain that suffering a lack of both T and E in the past did affect my short term memory.

perhaps that's a part of the experience of being transgender... for me it's very much like what you describe: finding new environments and people to learn from, then moving on to another life(style) and doing it all over. It's a process of continual death and rebirth so to say, something has to be left behind in order to start something new.

As for my memory... I have no idea, it was already quite good to start with. Perhaps it did get a bit worse on some ways too, as I'm living a very focused life now I sometimes forget names of the people I meet on rare occasions. Oh well

For me, i am the same person. Many of the same friends and lots of shared memories as the past. Evolved, healthier and with a new name.

I'm the same person without the constant anxiety and stress. I can articulate myself perfectly without getting flustered...something I struggled with pre-HRT.

Personally I,feel that I'm just a better version of who I was before...without the anxiety, with the calmness, serenity, and emotions that feel,exactly right for this soul.