I was feeling good about discovering my true self. I want to be a woman. But I went to a friend's daughter's graduation/going away party yesterday and began to feel anxious as I envisioned being at the party and all of my friends seeing me transitioning. I feel that I just can't reconcile the feelings I am experiencing. Now, I feel my depression rearing its ugly head. Depression, anxiety! I feel stuck! I have a good therapist and am trying to find a gender specialist. I appreciate whatever wise words you can all give!

This journey is a roller-coaster ride.  Lots of ups and downs and dizzying curves.

Roller-coasters make me sick.  But someone once told me that to avoid seasickness (which is the same thing as roller-coaster sickness), focus on the far horizon.  And that advice works just as well for this metaphorical roller-coaster of life.

I get occasional 'WTF' moments where I wonder what on earth made me give up my apparently sane, boring life as a guy for this craziness.  And so I re-focus on the horizon, the big picture.  I know that, nostalgic as I may get sometimes for that old life, it was slowly suffocating me.  I remember the image I had of myself getting old that way and what a horrible fate that would have been. 

When I started investigating whether or not I was transgender, I was told to "follow the joy".  That would have been good advice if I had had any idea what joy meant.  It is only since I started transitioning that I have discovered joy.  So, when the going gets tough, knowing that joy lies in this direction, not in that direction, is part of my big picture.

Quote from: karenk1959 on April 02, 2017, 06:09:02 AM
I was feeling good about discovering my true self. I want to be a woman. But I went to a friend's daughter's graduation/going away party yesterday and began to feel anxious as I envisioned being at the party and all of my friends seeing me transitioning. I feel that I just can't reconcile the feelings I am experiencing. Now, I feel my depression rearing its ugly head. Depression, anxiety! I feel stuck! I have a good therapist and am trying to find a gender specialist. I appreciate whatever wise words you can all give!

You are perfectly normal

As well as being realistic. As you know all too well reality sucks.  When I was a kid I prayed most nights as many others have to wake up as a girl. BUT with the caveat that as far as the rest of the world goes, I was always a girl. I didn't need another reason to be teased or beaten up on.

These days I know if/when I do a full transition there will be fallout. Both my wife and therapist essentially remind me I am not God, I do not run the universe. I cannot control what others think or do. All that I can do is control how I react and how I think/feel about myself first and foremost. Hopefully in a positive way vs my negative leaps of the past

I had the same thoughts as I started all this.  And that thought was a big part of my deciding to stop my transition.  Three months later I was a wreck, angry all the time, almost lost my job, family and my life.  So I started back up.

Last week I went to another party with the same group.  They all referred to my as Denise and were more than accepting.  I had never felt as welcome and at home with this group as last week.

What I have found is that I don't need to pretend to compete with the testosterone and alpha males anymore. It was very freeing.

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