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Trouble meeting guys PRE-OP/Fear of finding guys POST-OP

Started by moon, April 04, 2017, 09:42:27 PM

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moon

Hey everyone, 

So i don't know if this is gonna be a proper "question" or just me complaining lol but anyways
I'm 23, pre-op, i've been on hormones over a year, and am pretty passable (i know gross concept, but still)

I've also been told by many guys/people that i'm "very pretty" (whatever that means :-\ )

Anyways i've put myself on all these apps/sites where i'll get a bazillion messages and start feeling good about myself, and I'll spend all this time talking with these guys and then they will just GHOST me (this happens to me way more than most of my cis girlfriends...)

Im getting surgery with Suporn in about a year (!!!!!) But i'm so nervous I'll never be able to find any man, UNLESS I GO STEALTH, which I feel like is  A)really dangerous B)I won't be able to enjoy myself cause I'll just be so nervous.

*Cause I won't be a cute "t-girl" anymore, I'll just be "normal"
(A man once said to me, "yah idk why anyone would wanna be with a trans girl post op" :(

IDK, I guess i'm just venting and curious what girls who are post op or pre op (and want the surgery) AND who like men exclusively feel about dating/intimacy...any tricks? lol

I'm trying to be hopeful but keep feeling despondent and depressed.
I've never really had sex or a boyfriend and I'm just like, what am i doing wrong?
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Angélique LaCava

If a man wants you to stay preppy he's more than likely bisexual. A straight will encourage the surgery. I never have issues with dating guys pre op, but they are guys who only see me as a woman and want nothing to do with my penis. Most of the guys I meet are in person and not online. Online I never meet the guys, but talk to them and end up ghosting them because I feel meeting someone online  first isn't as special as meeting a someone  in person first.


I believe once I get the surgery I won't tell guys that I'm trans until after a few dates, but as of right now I tell them right away so they can decide if they want to be open to that since I havnt had the surgery.
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Obfuskatie

I met my boyfriend on OKC, so I know there are guys out there. However it does make it harder to find the right ones. I highly recommend you find guys that are bi, they seem to be the most accepting that I've come across. Currently I'm pre-op which can be hard on our sex life, but he has been really supportive and is in it for the long haul. 

The guy that said, "no guy would want a postoperative trans woman," is full of it. It's true that the guys that fetishize us, ->-bleeped-<-s, only fetishize pre-op trans women. But the straight or bi guys out there that aren't transphobic/homophobic/misogynistic are going to be interested in us still, because we're women.


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If people are what they eat, I really need to stop eating such neurotic food  :icon_shakefist:
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Angélique LaCava

Quote from: Obfuskatie on April 04, 2017, 09:50:20 PM
I met my boyfriend on OKC, so I know there are guys out there. However it does make it harder to find the right ones. I highly recommend you find guys that are bi, they seem to be the most accepting that I've come across. Currently I'm pre-op which can be hard on our sex life, but he has been really supportive and is in it for the long haul. 

The guy that said, "no guy would want a postoperative trans woman," is full of it. It's true that the guys that fetishize us, ->-bleeped-<-s, only fetishize pre-op trans women. But the straight or bi guys out there that aren't transphobic/homophobic/misogynistic are going to be interested in us still, because we're women.


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bisexual guys want us to keep our male parts though. They think of it as best of both worlds. It's why I don't go out with bi guys.
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bubbles21

Quote from: moon on April 04, 2017, 09:42:27 PM
Hey everyone, 

So i don't know if this is gonna be a proper "question" or just me complaining lol but anyways
I'm 23, pre-op, i've been on hormones over a year, and am pretty passable (i know gross concept, but still)

I've also been told by many guys/people that i'm "very pretty" (whatever that means :-\ )

Anyways i've put myself on all these apps/sites where i'll get a bazillion messages and start feeling good about myself, and I'll spend all this time talking with these guys and then they will just GHOST me (this happens to me way more than most of my cis girlfriends...)

Im getting surgery with Suporn in about a year (!!!!!) But i'm so nervous I'll never be able to find any man, UNLESS I GO STEALTH, which I feel like is  A)really dangerous B)I won't be able to enjoy myself cause I'll just be so nervous.

*Cause I won't be a cute "t-girl" anymore, I'll just be "normal"
(A man once said to me, "yah idk why anyone would wanna be with a trans girl post op" :(

IDK, I guess i'm just venting and curious what girls who are post op or pre op (and want the surgery) AND who like men exclusively feel about dating/intimacy...any tricks? lol

I'm trying to be hopeful but keep feeling despondent and depressed.
I've never really had sex or a boyfriend and I'm just like, what am i doing wrong?

Hey there,

This sounds very similar to my experience early on. I will say be very careful of looking for love or acceptance on those apps. Those that fetishize us are not worth your time. In terms of finding love it's just trial and error all i can say is protect yourself and definitely protect your heart. And yeah the guy who said no1 would want a post op girl sounds so stupid lol I am married and post op and in my 20's. Don't be too hard on yourself and if you've been finding that you are msgd alot you should be getting to the point where you can see whos authentic and who is just wanting you to be their fetish. In terms of being ghosted thats just them showing you what type of person they are especially if they had just finished chatting you up, obviously something is wrong with them not you.

I dont think there are tricks to it just that it takes time/trial and error and to be up front and honest (not saying you arent but a lot of girls lie about it and stunt and end up getting seriously hurt, ive seen it happen).

regards,
B
Blossoming with my Happy Pills :)
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Obfuskatie

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on April 04, 2017, 11:56:22 PM
bisexual guys want us to keep our male parts though. They think of it as best of both worlds. It's why I don't go out with bi guys.

Some may feel that way, but not all of them. I mentioned bi guys specifically because they tend to be a bit more openminded in my experience. However I also live near San Francisco, which still has a thriving queer community. It's possible the LGBT allies, and queer people I've met are more open than the queer community and their allies in other regions. The transphobia within our community I've seen has mostly been within the gay community specifically, whereas the bi people tend to not be involved in that.

However, our partners don't get to tell us what surgeries we can and can't have. That conversation, if it happens, is when you know you're not on the same page. It can either spell the end of the relationship or cause you both to have to lay out your expectations and what is or isn't going to meet your price of admission.


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If people are what they eat, I really need to stop eating such neurotic food  :icon_shakefist:
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AutumnLeaves

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on April 04, 2017, 11:56:22 PM
bisexual guys want us to keep our male parts though. They think of it as best of both worlds. It's why I don't go out with bi guys.

My husband is a bit bisexual, though he's only dated cis women and has never been with a man sexually, and he is fine with both my pre-op status AND my desire to have surgery. My other partner (I am in a polyamorous relationship) is, as he calls it, "pansexual" and likewise neither finds my current state nor my upcoming SRS to be a problem. No one involved has ever encouraged me to avoid surgery or labeled me "the best of both worlds" though I understand that can be a "thing" with some people with a fetish for trans women. Maybe I'm just lucky, since I do live in a pretty liberal part of the US, but I've had nothing but good luck with the guys I've been with and I think it would be a mistake to write people off merely because they identify as bi.
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Lady Sarah

I found my husband on OKC. Allow me to tell you there are some guys that do not care if you have a penis or not. There are some men that crave a female they can come home to after work, and love.
There are a lot of trolls. I had several banned from OKC. There will be many that ghost. They are not serious about meeting anyone for a date, and are happy just communicating.
Patience is a virtue. It took 20 months before Phillip and I started communicating. 2 weeks later, he showed up at my door, and never regretted it. He still tells me he does not care that I still have a penis, and then when he notices I am upset that it exists. Otherwise, the topic never comes up (pun not intended).   
Do not give up.
started HRT: July 13, 1991
orchi: December 23, 1994
trach shave: November, 1998
married: August 16, 2015
Back surgery: October 20, 2016
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Wild Flower

I doubt I'll ever do SRS. I think being a transgender woman has a "market" all on its own. Supply-demand. Less supply of passable transgender women, but a high demand due to a large bisexual population.

With the surgery, I would be just "average", and in competition with cisgender women, no thanks.
"Anyone who believes what a cat tells him deserves all he gets."
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Rhonda333

Just to add my 2 cents, I am non-op and still have my penis. I too find men who find this attractive and desirable. And, it still works (sometimes) which allows me to enjoy other women. However, I do find less women in this category. Nice to come across the occasional willing woman.
I am a pre op MtF.
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Sophia Sage

There is a big difference in having an "open narrative" versus maintaining privacy of such when it comes to intimate relationships post-op.  Regardless of whether they're with men or women.

Yes, with a closed narrative, you'll be a "normal" woman.  Let that sink in a bit -- you'll be just another woman.  Just a woman.  A woman.  And especially in a heterosexual relationship, that is something powerful and amazing and... healing.  At least it was for me, and for many other women I know who live their lives as such.

Yeah, I was nervous the first few times.  But I got over it.  I got into a long-term relationship, and it was wonderful, for many years (until I tired of his constant pot smoking and intellectual dullness, but that's just another normal issue for another time).  And I didn't use dating sites, I just went out into the world and did things that interested me, various social groups like SF fan clubs and book clubs, live music, some charity work, vacations, and so on.  It's in these places I met the men I ended up going to bed with, and so they were very positive and affirming experiences. 

I think what it comes down to, in terms of being happy, is what your personal truth is.  If you've done all this because deep down inside you are female, it behooves you to give a closed narrative a try.  (I loathe the term "stealth" as it implies hiding something; if your truth is that you're a woman, an open narrative will hide that truth.)  Give it a couple years, see what it's like.  It isn't for everyone, but it is for a lot of us. 
What you look forward to has already come, but you do not recognize it.
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KayXo

Let me be honest and say that I'm 11 yrs post-SRS and single. I've not been in any relationships with men, short or long-term. Had a little bit of fun here and there but nothing more. I've tried dating men who knew from the get-go, found them on dating sites but there was never any chemistry except those two guys but one lived too far and the other one was ultimately obsessed with another girl. Maybe I gave up too fast. Other men I met in my normal, day to day life, I never dared establish an intimate relation with from fear of their reaction if they knew the truth about my past and/or telling others (who might not be so cool about it) about me. So, I kept things superficial. Many men expressed a real desire to become intimate with me, etc but I never went too far with it and always closed the door.

Pre-op, I didn't even try and waited till after the op.

I also fear men finding out post-op, once we get sexually close because I have hairs inside my vagina and because of my scars but I have found a way to remove those hairs now and I have a good excuse for the scars (I might resort to scar camouflage with medical tattooing or just keep it hairy there) so I might get jiggy with it shortly. Yay!

That's my story. Thus far.
I am not a medical doctor, nor a scientist - opinions expressed by me on the subject of HRT are merely based on my own review of some of the scientific literature over the last decade or so, on anecdotal evidence from women in various discussion forums that I have come across, and my personal experience

On HRT since early 2004
Post-op since late 2005
  •  

agentdarq

Quote from: moon on April 04, 2017, 09:42:27 PM
Hey everyone, 

So i don't know if this is gonna be a proper "question" or just me complaining lol but anyways
I'm 23, pre-op, i've been on hormones over a year, and am pretty passable (i know gross concept, but still)

I've also been told by many guys/people that i'm "very pretty" (whatever that means :-\ )

Anyways i've put myself on all these apps/sites where i'll get a bazillion messages and start feeling good about myself, and I'll spend all this time talking with these guys and then they will just GHOST me (this happens to me way more than most of my cis girlfriends...)

Im getting surgery with Suporn in about a year (!!!!!) But i'm so nervous I'll never be able to find any man, UNLESS I GO STEALTH, which I feel like is  A)really dangerous B)I won't be able to enjoy myself cause I'll just be so nervous.

*Cause I won't be a cute "t-girl" anymore, I'll just be "normal"
(A man once said to me, "yah idk why anyone would wanna be with a trans girl post op" :(

IDK, I guess i'm just venting and curious what girls who are post op or pre op (and want the surgery) AND who like men exclusively feel about dating/intimacy...any tricks? lol

I'm trying to be hopeful but keep feeling despondent and depressed.
I've never really had sex or a boyfriend and I'm just like, what am i doing wrong?
Hey Moon I'd like to share with you what I shared with one of my sailors when she came out. She thought that because a lot of our old navy buddies were unfriending her on FB that nobody liked her or cared what happened to her.  I was her supervisor, so I help raise him in the Navy.  I told her that it'll be okay, so what's the big deal if the unfriended her.  All that means is they don't deserve her.  My point is that you are who you are.  People are gonna love you or like you for just that reason the ones that don't don't deserve you.
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judithlynn

:-*
Hugs



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Aurorasky

I really wish I had an answer to this. My difficulty isn't exactly telling, because, most of the time, I don't get to that point. I also get comments that I am really pretty (whatever that means), get catcalled, have guys message me wanting me to go their homes, which I obviously never do. I know it's so frustrating, and since I am pre-op, I don't trust enough to put myself in situations I am easily vulnerable. Most seem to just want sex, and that's not something I can give yet. However, even after SRS, I am doubtful about these situations and whether they would make me happy. I wish for intimacy, too. In the end, we áll fear loneliness and whether we disclose or not is a personal decision based on what most benefits and I don't believe either can be judged.
Love,

Aurora Beatriz da Fonseca
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agentdarq

Quote from: Aurorasky on April 07, 2017, 04:10:47 AM
I really wish I had an answer to this. My difficulty isn't exactly telling, because, most of the time, I don't get to that point. I also get comments that I am really pretty (whatever that means), get catcalled, have guys message me wanting me to go their homes, which I obviously never do. I know it's so frustrating, and since I am pre-op, I don't trust enough to put myself in situations I am easily vulnerable. Most seem to just want sex, and that's not something I can give yet. However, even after SRS, I am doubtful about these situations and whether they would make me happy. I wish for intimacy, too. In the end, we áll fear loneliness and whether we disclose or not is a personal decision based on what most benefits and I don't believe either can be judged.
I am  a heteromale with a very open mind.  I guess I get that from being raised by my mom and sisters.  My pops died when I was(4).  Moms mantra was " I can do bad all by myself...I don't need no one to help me". The Navy helped in the other areas I may have been lacking.  Although, I identify with hetero I have no problems shifting rudder to sail into unfamiliar waters.  I know it's hard for y'all tho foot into main stream...as a black man in America I can relate on some levels.  It hard to stick put yourselves out there for fear of being hurt physically or emotionally.  Been there...done that.  Had I chose to withdraw and continually  lick my wounds instead of picking up my head up ( as hard as it was at times) I wouldn't have met so many wonderful loving people.     I have learned over the years people tend to hate and fear that which is different themselves.  The beauty of the human condition is that with exposure we begin to accept the minor differences.  Eventually becoming accustomed to the new and accepting it for what it is.  Had I chose as some of my race to be hateful and angry I would never have met some of my best friends; many of whom are white.  My point is you get what you put in...Carpe Diem!  Nothing venture, nothing gained.  Cliche...yes! But very true.  So yes, be cautious, because there are idiots out there, but don't assume monsters are at the door every time you open it...you might miss you prince in disguise. 
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Barb99

I'm only as few months post op and I've just started dating. My policy is to tell them I'm trans if it looks like we are going to start a relationship. I won't tell them if we met on a dating site but if it goes to a second date or we meet out somewhere and decide to date then I will tell.

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finallyheeled

I'm too self-conscious to date just as my physical self isn't what it should be...yet, but I am excited for the day when I can meet a man. 
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agentdarq

Quote from: Charley on April 07, 2017, 09:35:31 AM
I'm only as few months post op and I've just started dating. My policy is to tell them I'm trans if it looks like we are going to start a relationship. I won't tell them if we met on a dating site but if it goes to a second date or we meet out somewhere and decide to date then I will tell.
Being honest is the best policy no matter what...you don't wanna start a relationship in a lie. 
Quote from: finallyheeled on April 07, 2017, 12:40:17 PM
I'm too self-conscious to date just as my physical self isn't what it should be...yet, but I am excited for the day when I can meet a man.
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agentdarq

Quote from: finallyheeled on April 07, 2017, 12:40:17 PM
I'm too self-conscious to date just as my physical self isn't what it should be...yet, but I am excited for the day when I can meet a man.
Your time will come...give yourself permission to wait and be patient.  Your change didnt easy physically, so your mental change will take time to catch up as well...go easy it'll come and when it does you'll know it's the right time
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