After roughly 40 years of gender dysphoria, I finally gave up on struggling to be female.  I've never felt female.  I just didn't want to be picked on or given disapproving lectures by people who "know better."  As of today, I've come out as trans to one of my sisters, to several online friends, and my therapist.

So far, everything has gone well . . . people online have been great, my therapist was great, my sister was great. For a while there everything felt awesome . . . it was like the accumulated weight of a lifetime of unhappiness had been lifted from my shoulders. Then, of course, the fear set in. Fear of the unknown, of change, of making some irrevocable decision I'll regret, of ending up like Brandon Teena or Matthew Shepard.

The combined hope for a better future and terror of a worse one has me shaken. I know that the time for making major decisions is a long way off--there is no drive thru sex reassignment surgery. But I still feel like I'm a first-time parachutist standing at the door of the plane, wondering if I followed those parachute-packing instructions right.  I feel like I have limited places to complain about all this because so many people don't understand, or openly disapprove.   Any advice or just general commiseration would be appreciated.

Welcome!

Please realize that what you're describing is pretty normal, especially for individuals like us on the trans spectrum. I'm going through it, most people are going through it or have made it through what you're describing. You're not alone, honey. It's okay.

When I stood at the door of that airplane, I didn't have to worry about whether or not I had packed the chute correctly.  I wasn't wearing one!  Do I jump and hope that someone will catch me, or do I stay and land with the plane?  Everyone's jump is different.  Mine was coming out to my wife.  I jumped and ... she caught me.

Amusing metaphors aside, it really was that scary, so I totally get your fear.  It took me literally months from the time I decided I had to do it until I actually did.  It's pretty normal.

Lots of people I have come out to have said that I am brave or courageous.  I want to say, "Oh, poo.  Not me!"  But you know what?  This journey does require you to face your fears and to blast through some of them to the other side.  It was lack of courage that kept me from starting this trip for 60 years.  So I guess I found some.  If I could, so can you.

Hunter S. Thompson said something like, 'Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely, in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "Holy ->-bleeped-<-, what a ride!" '  He was a weird dude, but I think he got that right.  At some point, if you get to where you just cannot face the conventional life with its dysphoria, taking the leap is the only way forward.

Take the time you need, but check yourself from time to time to make sure you really are making progress, even if it is in small steps.  Lean on the good folks here.  I could not have made that leap if it were not for the support of the members here.

If you weren't a little worried then I would worry about you.

Therapy is key. 



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I haven't made it my business to tell the world. I don't think that's wise, personally, as I'm very much aware of the risks of the company one keeps - or has to keep even if you don't want it, sometimes. Stealth is something I decided on from the beginning. Only select people are aware, and almost all of them are far away. That's not to suggest cutting all ties for safety but to be careful if you are worried about violence or have problem people in your life. Some people want to tell everyone they interact with and make it kind of a statement about themselves - that's just not something I see a need for. I also did not "socially transition" first. I don't demand people see me a particular way before I looked the part. I do spend a lot of time to myself, so I guess I'm not constantly dealing with others making me feel crap, but neither did I want to exacerbate the potential negatives by being forceful. As it turned out, everyone came around organically in the end anyway, given a couple of years, without me even asking them to.

I can't speak for others, in my case the fears are greatest at the beginning. HRT then took almost all of them away, since it altered my mind state and removed most of my anxiety and preoccupations. I'm restless by nature, but with the wrong hormones in the system, or a deficit of hormones in the system, it's amplified. With the right ones, the state of nervous tension is lessened considerably. Time plays its part, too.

I wasn't so much fearful of others' reactions - I am self-sufficient in many ways and not worried about someone kicking me to the curb, or of someone getting a pronoun wrong, or anything like that, or even of someone wanting to attack, which would be a slim possibility where I am plus being expectant/prepared for that sort of thing anyway by nature. My fears were more of the medical sort, would I be able to get the medications where I was reasonably priced, would I react to them badly, would I be able to get the surgeries, would the T work properly, and so on. I needn't have worried.

Actually did not have high expectations of T or some vision of myself afterwards. A part of me felt it would not "work" very well. Maybe that's why I'm more pleased with the results than some end up being. There is still a way to go for it to complete its job, but I have not felt so relaxed and content in life with myself as I do now. Of course, that probably won't last and give you permanent peace - there are things I could not do with my life beforehand that I now want to do with a vengeance and end up champing at the bit for it. So the peace is shortlived and gets replaced by some other needs or desires, maybe. But it's obviously better than feeling inhibited by one's body, wasting valuable time.

I have no regrets with it. The choice was very clear and I'd explored all the avenues of my former life to the extent I was tired and knew it would not end in happiness by now. What tends to terrify me isn't what I do or what others do, it's the idea of regret. I would rather make a thousand mistakes than live a wasted life. That is my greatest fear, transition and uncertainty is a small thing in comparison, really, to the life I felt I was watching pass me by. And if this does not work out in some way, well that's fine - it was a necessary path. I thought about the worst case scenarios, and to be honest they did not frighten me. It is hard to be frightened when you are already numb to yourself and your predicament; when you already loathe your situation and history, or when you feel like you have nothing to lose. I do not have anything much to lose, so nothing feels like a step down.

But fear is normal. You'd have to have real problems not to have some of it when it comes to this subject. There are risks - family, spouse/partner/relationship, job, home sometimes are lost. But if you've taken the first step and decided you must do something, then you already know this and I assume know it's important enough to you to risk for. I would say once you start down the road, especially after T, your fears will seem more manageable.

It is not going to happen over night. You kind of have to dip your toe. Get comfortable with what you have done and move on to the next goal. Baby steps, but steps none the less. If you live in fear, change won't happen. I was afraid coming out to the kids. Fortunately I raised my kids and they have been wonderful. My wife although she won't address it she seems to have made peace with the idea. As the HRT takes effect and my bosoms grow and my butt reorganizes. It's getting harder to hide. And I don't really want to. While i am quite good with going in public, I would not want to do anything that shows my family in a bad light. I have the most outstanding family, so I abstain.  It will come, I know it.. There would be none of this hand wringing if I was 20. It would essentially be a no brainer. What I have learned in the last year is that perhaps it was predetermined based on steps taken when I was in utero. It helps explain the feelings I had from a very early age. It also explains why I have a myriad of health problems.

Give yourself all the time you need to process. Any changes you choose to make are on your schedule, and it doesn't need to happen all at once. Logistically, it can't.   But do take the time explore what being trans means to you, and counseling is a great space to explore, especially with a therapist knowledgeable about gender if you can find one.

I'm nearly 40 and only figured out I was trans last year. I had a lifetime of clues but never put it together till last spring. Since then, I've given myself about a year to come to terms with the idea, process things, learn a lot, tell a few people close to me, get some counseling, find supportive doctors and others, and do things to get my life in the big picture on track so I can transition however I chose to do that. I've had a professional career for a long time, and there's no way to go 'stealth' in my small professional community, so I need to be mentally ready when I come out, because I'm coming out to everyone. I live in a progressive place, where there are protections in legislation as well through work and union, so that's great.

Only now am I starting to more seriously consider any physical changes, and that's been pushed up a little because of other medical issues with the female body I was born with, which T can sort out.

Thanks for all your replies, everybody.  I'm feeling somewhat better now.  I'm lucky enough to have a very progressive support system and other trans friends, so telling more people is an option for me.  I don't know if I will though, at least not soon.  I want other people's support and validation, but the problem with telling people is that they tell people, and as soon as the word is out you lose control of how your information is presented.

Kylo, I'd rather go your route and physically transition before I socially transition, but as I understand it most doctors want you to live a year as your preferred gender before they do anything medically.  Or is that outdated information? 

Quote from: The Flying Lemur on April 05, 2017, 03:53:41 AM
Kylo, I'd rather go your route and physically transition before I socially transition, but as I understand it most doctors want you to live a year as your preferred gender before they do anything medically.  Or is that outdated information?

I think that depends on where you are. Where I am right now (UK) they don't seem to demand it as a condition to be given HRT and surgery at most GICs. They didn't mention it at Exeter as any sort of condition for treatment.

That said, when the supervising doctor at the GIC discussed my case before signing a script on hormones, he appeared to believe I'd been living RLE full time for a number of years. I've dressed the way I do for a very long time, act and speak how I do without putting anything on, and according to his assessment, that was RLE, or I had already been doing it. I hadn't made a concerted effort in my opinion; either he was way off or I already presented masculine enough in general. So it was sort of mentioned, but more like a side note on the case file than a condition.

Quote from: The Flying Lemur on April 05, 2017, 03:53:41 AMas I understand it most doctors want you to live a year as your preferred gender before they do anything medically.  Or is that outdated information?

The international standards require one year of real life experience (RLE) before surgery.  They do not require any before starting HRT, just a letter from a qualified professional.  Most doctors follow the standards, but not all.