So I have my appointment to begin HRT coming up in 2 weeks. I've been talking about it for over a month, even had to switch an earlier appointment because of a sudden work conflict, I've been positively blissful over making moves toward transition, even though HRT will slow down my frequency of voice lessons & counseling visits due to financial reasons. But last night my wife came home and declared that I am moving through all of this too fast and that she feels I am moving forward and leaving her behind. She wants me to cancel my appointment and hold off until at least summer.

I understand that this process isn't easy for her, that it's only been four months since I came out with my intent to transition. Objectively, 4 months seems fast, but it's also been the most gruelingly slow four months of my life, and I'm generally a very patient person!  I can't help but feel like she is playing gate keeper. In the last few weeks she has begun to act as if the details about my transition that we've been discussing are some sudden change that she is just now hearing about for the first time when I've tried to keep an open dialogue to make sure she is involved and informed. Her  reasoning  for wanting me to wait is that she is isn't ready for me to change and that she is stressed with graduate school/internship and needs me to wait until she finishes her classes in June. The problem is, I don't see any reason for our stressors to lessen at that point. We will shortly be looking for a home & dealing with the process of moving, she will be job hunting, and dealing with a pregnancy.

I know she is allowed to have her own struggles & difficulties regarding my transition, I get that this is a stressful time for her just being in the home stretch of graduate school and that she doesn't have a much time or energy to devote to thinking about my transition. I don't expect her it come to terms with this overnight or even to be fully on board. Hell it's taken me 26 years to be okay with being trans and to actually feel the need to move forward. But I also don't feel as though I should have to wait around for her to be totally 100% ready for this change. Am I being unreasonable here?

Yes, it is far from easy for her. She has had mere milli-Seconds to deal with this trans stuff vs your 26 years. She is on the cusp of finally seeing her life entering a new phase. Married, check, Finish grad school, check. Live happily ever after? WTF?  I am now married to a woman? I didn't sign up for this!

Your forging ahead is making the dropping of the T-Bomb all too real at a time when life in general was becoming all too real. Now being redefined in ways she could never have imagined.

Are you "Moving too fast?"  The answer all depends on what is more important., You, or The Us? Is saving the relationship by slowing the pace, working on yourself, learning more about who you are, worth it? Can you keep on living and present as you are today? Is or will it be inevitable she will split so why wait? Just spare me the complaints.

Which pain is worse?

I don't think you should wait. If you wait for her sake, wouldn't that mess up your relationship too? Because she might think that she has the capability to affect your decision and may think that you are less sincere about transitioning if you allow her to postpone it. You can just talk to her instead, a lot, about how you are feeling and how she is feeling, and then find a different and better solution to her problem. If she is anything like the people I've had by my side through transition, she'll get over it. Of course it's a shock at first but she will likely come to realise that it is important for you. Perhaps you can try to explain to her that the changes will be slow, and things may not change for real until summer anyway. I think the best thing you can do is to have plenty of deep conversations with her, and tell her that you will be there for her the whole time.

Quote from: somewhat on April 06, 2017, 01:15:30 PM
I don't think you should wait. If you wait for her sake, wouldn't that <not allowed> up your relationship too? Because she might think that she has the capability to affect your decision and may think that you are less sincere about transitioning if you allow her to postpone it.

I agree with you about our relationship being impacted one way or another. If I already feel like she is trying to hold me back, I don't see any way I come out of these next few months without resenting her. I don't think she believes im insincere, but she's made it clear that she doesn't want me to transition and that if it were her choice I would just stay a man forever. I can't help but believe that she will indefinitely continue to make up excuses for me to push this off.

Quote from: somewhat on April 06, 2017, 01:15:30 PM
You can just talk to her instead, a lot, about how you are feeling and how she is feeling, and then find a different and better solution to her problem. If she is anything like the people I've had by my side through transition, she'll get over it. Of course it's a shock at first but she will likely come to realise that it is important for you. Perhaps you can try to explain to her that the changes will be slow, and things may not change for real until summer anyway. I think the best thing you can do is to have plenty of deep conversations with her, and tell her that you will be there for her the whole time.

We talked a lot about what starting on hormones would be like and how it would be an incredibly long process with physical changes most likely coming later yesterday, a subject that we have already discussed at length, but everytime the subject comes up, it's as if we are having a completely new and overwhelming conversation all over again.

Suggestion:. I started with Spironolactone months before estrogen.  Three days after starting Spiro I felt so much better.  Everything still worked.  No visible changes.  I left noone behind because I was mentally better and noone could tell physically.

You don't need to start E day one.  That is a nice compromise.

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Quote from: Denise on April 06, 2017, 02:16:30 PM
Suggestion:. I started with Spironolactone months before estrogen.  Three days after starting Spiro I felt so much better.  Everything still worked.  No visible changes.  I left noone behind because I was mentally better and noone could tell physically.

You don't need to start E day one.  That is a nice compromise.

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That's a possibility, but our previous discussion led us to agreeing that I would talk to my doctor about starting on low doses for the first few months. I'm having trouble being willing to compromise when the original plan already was one.

I consider my wife to be very supportive of my needs, but I am also taking this at her pace.  I came out to her almost a year ago and I am just getting to the hormone part of things.  I have had 52 years to deal with this.  She has had one.  I don't resent her for her reticence and  I can see your wife's point.  She is dealing with THREE major life changes at one time.  Grad school, pregnancy AND the T-bomb (I like that term, lol) all at once.

June is not that far away.  A little give MIGHT get you a lot more later.  She is facing something that she NEVER imagined might happen.  I know all too well how horrible dysphoria is and how hard it is to live with.  But I also know I want my wife on-board with what is happening as she is my ONLY support system.  You might want to think about how moving forward at your pace might irrevocably change or damage your relationship AND what the financial fallout might be if you split up.

Food for thought.

I started transition, then 3 months later started HRT.  4.75 years later I had my GRS.

You can go too fast, but when that term is applied its usually too fast for getting GRS.

Transition, hormones and living successfully as a woman take time.  But even more important than that, weighing the good and bad of having GRS requires mental and emotional maturity and time to process it mentally and emotionally.

Its fine if you KNOW, but still give your emotions time to catch up, and your brain time to mentally grasp what you are doing. Transition is not a race. It is a process.

I've read numerous accounts of people who did everything in less than 2 years and said they regretted it.  The longer the transition past 2 years, the fewer accounts of regret I've read. So I've come to the conclusion that those who were in a big hurry didnt fully weigh the consequences good and bad of what they were doing and werent prepared to deal with their decision on an emotional or mental level as they didnt fully process it all.

Of course, your wife may never be on board and and only use her influence to stop you, as is the story of so many transgender people. Even wives who claim to be cool with it just as often change their minds and leave anyway.

Most ciswomen get married to have children, gain status, have financial support, have a protector, have someone to support and admire her, putting her and the children's needs above his own. Also, women are the boss of the home. They decide what is eaten, where you live, how the house the decorated, how holidays and free time are spent. Husbands spend every extra dollar and most free time in taking care of her, making her happy.

If you transition, most of that is turned around.

You will be the one spending large amounts of money on yourself for both medical reasons and for new wardrobe, shoes, jewelry, etc, instead of buying HER gifts. Your attention will be on yourself, and making YOU happy. You will have new friends, new interests, have your own life.

Instead of being big and strong you will be losing your testosterone advantage,
she'll be a laughingstock,
her children won't have a "father,"
her family and friends will pity her,
if she stays she'll be seen as a lesbian and blackballed from religious types, churches, etc.
You could start being attracted to men if you transition, as many do
you could make her-and your child- a target of attacks by religious fanatics
she will no longer be your priority and center of your universe.

But if you don't transition, dysphoria could push you to the brink, and you might lose her in the end, anyway. Besides, with a female-type mind, you might want your own life and no longer wish to devote every dollar and free minute on making your wife happy, or be submissive and obedient to her.

I have two transwoman friends, currently married, who have tried transition two different ways. One tried to keep her wife on board and her wife forced her to stop transitioning. It's been years.

The other is happily claiming that she will transition, move out, and start her own life, because her strict, religious Republican wife would kick her out if she even knew her husband was transgender.
But since she's not even told her wife yet after six months, I have my doubts she has that kind of courage.

The risk is that your wife engages in deliberate stalling and is never OK with you taking initial steps to get medical treatment.  How will things be different by summer time - is she or you both going to seek counselling or will something change?  What benefit is there to cancelling and re-scheduling for the summer?

Thanks everyone. We've talked out our concerns from both perspective's and I will still be going through with the appointment!