Hey everyone! I am making this thread as another person here suggested i should. Basically it came down to the sexual nature of turning my mild dysphoria into a thrill. A re-cap, looking back I can see that I had a lot of questions and wonders about my gender as a little kid. And at age 13 , after about 4 years of suppression they came back to which i recall a couple times laying in my own bed wishing I could be a girl. Or being very much up and active and still wishing i could be a girl. Sometimes feeling rather sad that I wasnt born as one! Around this time however I was nowhere close to accepting i was trans, let alone coming out. That and I found out not only were some in my family who i greatly admired for whatever reason transphobic, but also LBG-phobic. This was the same time I was slowly coming out as Bi in my new high school but after those messages i went back into the closet. Including the easier to come to terms with of bisexuality. But, as i went totally in the closet i became oddly enough much more intrested in transition and stuff. I was a super closet case and vowed I would never be like one of ''them''. One night, while wrestling with ideas of trans-ness in bed I got an erection, and decided ''play'' with the images. This became a common thing, and like others here i used a pillow to grind up against for a while. This new amount of ''fun'' last 3 years. I stopped at about age 18 or so, so probably very early 2013. I remember vowing to godi wouldnt transition if things went right with something else and for a few months I had thought it was over. The ''fetish'' was gone. However when it appeared again in the summer of 2013, it came back and without that same sexual compnent. This time it was stirght up dysphoria. Like what I had got pre-2009. Over the months I worked on ways to deal with my issues. At the time I was going to put off transition until 2019 as it wasnt life and death at that point and in addition to that i needed a better job then the 2 part time jobs at the local bar and McDonalds. Over the course of time however, I had noticed that the dysporia was getting higher so around March/April 2014 I decided to come out to a few close people.
In April, after coming out to a few and to my family DR I was down the road to prep and plan transition. Then, one dark (but sunny) day, April 9th 2014 I was walking home and the thought of ''Would it have gotten like this if i didnt sexualize it'' or something similar had happened. In all honesty that sent me on a week of depression. I bawled, I felt empty and soul-less and gross. After looking up on line about what that could of meant was that ''wonderful'' Dr Ray Blancher and his infamous theory on the matter. In all honesty, it sent on a even bigger spiral down as I felt that i am not true trans and that i am now stuck a man for good due to my teenage sexual spins. Somehow i kinda got over it after seeing this transwoman named Kaylee Johnson admit she did it too and that it is not
uncommon.RIP she killed herself 5 months before i saw her first video from what i beelive was due to lack of support. Anyway, her video helped me a bit and the following month I began transition. However, on 2 occassions it has nearly destroyed my transition. It is still hard for me to accept myself as a woman due to the intense sexual feelings i had towards the subject nearly each day for 3 years. It has been atleast 4 or even maybe 5 years now since i did that but it still for what ever reasons holds shame for me. Anyone can help me to get mind off with adivce would be appreciated!
Love-Ashley
