I apologize in advance if you guys are getting sick of hearing about things with my wife, but that's the space I'm in right now.  A lot of developments happening on the home front.

Oh boy, my wife came home from her therapist yesterday and among the things they talked about was that her therapist thinks its time for her to meet Alyssa.  Up until this point, my wife has not faced any part of Alyssa other than my lack of body hair and my earrings.  With me starting HRT, her therapist thinks she's got no choice but to rip the band-aid off and face me.

The plan is that we'll meet in a room at her therapist's office (decent sized clinic with 10-12 other professionals).  Won't do it in the room where she has her usual sessions to avoid spoiling her safe place.  She'll go in first with her therapist to the room, and the I'll be asked to come in.  I'll spend no more than 5 minutes with them and then leave.  They'll go back to her normal session location to have their session and I'll go home.

That's all she's told me so far, but I'll admit I'm scared.  I know she'll break down and sob.  It's also very likely she'll tell me how much she hates me. I see a real possibility that coming out of this she'll decide this is way too much and that one of us has to get out of the house entirely now. There's a lot that can go wrong here.

I'm looking for thoughts from everyone here.  What should I be aware of going into this?  I think I need to let my therapist know when it's going down because I might need her depending on my wife's reactions.  Unfortunately she's 25 minutes away so it'll be a long lonely drive if things go really badly. I was thinking maybe a family member or friend could help by taking me to and from.  Debating whether I should have a plan B ready to go in case my wife decides we need to be in separate houses immediately. 

Any thoughts you have on other things I'm not thinking of or ways that I should approach this?

Hope for the best. Plan for the worst.

Always have a plan for a quick exit, but let her make the her own decisions.

I am not a confrontational type of person. I just gradually let things happen. First, I started dressing androgynous. Later when my breasts grew to more than a handful, I wore a bra daily for support. Now that it is obvious what is happening, there is no drama, no blame, just this is what it is.

Hi Alyssa,

   From reading your past posts, (and yes I read most of yours) I can see why you have had your concerns with your wife. It has been difficult for her but she is also trying to accept Alyssa. If she didn't want to make things work she would have tossed you out by now. But she hasn't. Take heart in that. Also keep in mind that you cannot control how she might react. That is completely out of your control.
   How you react however is something you do have control over. The fear you feel is very real, but you don't have to let it take over. This is an unknown. Both you and her have a chance here to learn from the meeting. You are apprehensive over how she is going to respond and I will wager that she is too. She may surprise both of you. Especially because she will be in a safe environment. So instead of going into the meeting consumed with fear try to keep an open mind. It could go much better than you or her think. You two may wind up being able to talk about things in a more open calm manner after.
    You're a brave lady. You just got through an adventure with your sisters where you did some things alone as Alyssa that you never did before and you got through it easily. This one is a little more personal but you can do this too. Attitude is everything. Be confident. Don't let your fear gain control.
   Taking someone with you to hold your hand, someone supportive you can talk to sounds like a good precaution.

  You can do this and it will be okay.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

How do you feel about this approach?  The therapist might have suggested it, but I would be curious to know how you feel about such a contrived "timed" meeting in a very particular setting.  To me it feels like a lot of stress for both parties rather than using a more fluid, slow and casual method. 

I sure see this as a logistical nightmare. I'll assume that you don't go out present as Alyssa in public. First off is how much time do you think you need to get yourself ready? That includes picking out the perfect outfit, jewelry, shoes, makeup, Plan B clothes if you're like me and have lived through a few closet explosions. Then getting to the clinic with PLENTY of time to get ready before your wife's appointment. Or, get a nearby hotel room and dress there.

The 5 minutes with her able to explore her reactions and feelings with the therapist handy is a nice idea. Apparently she feels she needs this approach. You sure are likely to be on pins and needles for hours, plus the hour or more as time seems to stand still after your 5 minutes or so are up.

And... What about your debrief? How will you and your wife talk over what happened? My first thought was perhaps an extended session where you get to go back to male mode and then the three of you spend a half hour or so to talk. 

This sounds like a tv show.

Wow, this made me think through my own wife seeing the slow changes and eventual full presentation as a woman. Stopped me cold, and is a lot to take in. In our head it can seem simple but hard to walk out. As I go about work today I have been wondering how my long time customers will react.
I think in this scenario you have to go into doing what is best for her in many ways but I would want to talk through it all at home first. Maybe discuss what you will wear etc.
I struggle with how much to, and not to, share with my wife. She is my best fried and I want to tell her everything but that would trigger too many negative emotions. She read my therapists letter regarding a recommendation for HRT and really hasn't been the same since. Made it all more real than she wanted to admit.

The outfit you choose will influence the outcome. 
You could go in jeans, sweater with a little padding for breasts, flats, small stud earrings, and very light (if any) make up.  Or you could put on a little-black-dress, 6"spikey heals, jewelry everywhere and a professional make up job for clubbing.  You will get two different reactions.

I'm a fan of subtle image not the sledgehammer approach.  If it were me I would wear jeans and a tight top, leaving no question about having breasts, maybe a necklace and natural looking make-up.  Nothing that could be interpreted as sexy or fetish or "I'm getting a thrill out of this." Just plain Jane, everyday casual wear.

Others may disagree but that's my opinion.

BTW, I've been full time for just over a month and I have not put on a skirt or dress.  I'm letting others and myself get used to the idea of Denise.

Please keep us updated on everything.  No worries about posting on one topic, I believe we all have done it.

Good luck and hugs
Denise

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Quote from: staciM on April 06, 2017, 11:39:00 AM
How do you feel about this approach?  The therapist might have suggested it, but I would be curious to know how you feel about such a contrived "timed" meeting in a very particular setting.

I'm actually good with that part.  Our couples counselor was also in the same building so we're both used to it. I don't think the timing is as contrived as I made it out to be.  I think the point is that I won't be there for very long because ultimately her and her therapist will have a lot to unpack after it.

Quote from: JoanneB on April 06, 2017, 12:40:57 PM
I sure see this as a logistical nightmare.

Not as bad as you imagine.  I don't normally go around our town presenting female but I do go out in public quite often now in other nearby towns.  I'll get ready at home, I'll drive there separately and go that way.  We haven't worked out any logistics yet but I'm assuming I'll get a text message or something once they're ready and I'll go in.

Quote from: JoanneB on April 06, 2017, 12:40:57 PM
And... What about your debrief? How will you and your wife talk over what happened? My first thought was perhaps an extended session where you get to go back to male mode and then the three of you spend a half hour or so to talk. 

This will happen when she gets home. We spent a lot of time the other night setting up communications channels just in general and so I think we'll have the ability to have this debrief.  I'm guessing a mutual friend of ours who has helped us through much of this will probably be there for that discussion.

Quote from: Denise on April 06, 2017, 02:10:37 PM
The outfit you choose will influence the outcome. 
You could go in jeans, sweater with a little padding for breasts, flats, small stud earrings, and very light (if any) make up.  Or you could put on a little-black-dress, 6"spikey heals, jewelry everywhere and a professional make up job for clubbing.  You will get two different reactions.

This is something I've thought about too and I agree with your approach.  I'm thinking skinny jeans, a top (maybe a little tight but not too tight) and probably just my female running shoes.  I'm thinking a low key everyday look is important here.  Going all out and dressing to the nines would, as you mention, elicit a much more visceral response.  She's already worried about having to compete with Alyssa to be "a better girl".  I don't want to reinforce that idea by going all out for this.

Alyssa,
   Did you not say you and your wife are best friends? Or that she is your best friend? Why don't you two sit down and talk a little before hand. Tell her you know this is not easy for her. Maybe even prep her for what she will see, as in what you might wear. Tell her as a friend that you need something from her too. You need to know that there will not be an extreme reaction like instant separation, that you will agree to continue to talk and work together. Maybe a little emphasis on your friendship (not the marriage aspect) at this time would help with the two of you respecting each other's situations. I guess this meeting seems a bit tense in that it seems more like an intervention than two partners/friends trying to work something out. The low key visual is good advice, for sure.
Moni

I'm going to start another thread about "first views of spouses" to see what others have done.   Might be interesting.

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Obviously different people take it in different ways. I know a lot of people will give you the whole "if she loves you she'll support you" spiel and I also know that this is not always true and not always helpful. The best advice I can offer you is to just go for it - it's going to have to happen at some point and it does get to a point where both of you are as prepared as it is possible to be. The steps you take afterwards are the most important so it might be good to do it as early as you can.

I hope it all goes well for you both xx

I'm sure her therapist is good, but i am not sure that sounds like a decent plan at all. To me it makes it cold and almost makes it feel like you are doing something wrong, like she has to face a different person that would be a threat to her otherwise.

You may feel different and she may see you different but you are in many ways still the person she married and you have   a relationship based on years of a lot of good stuff. If she wants to meet Alyssa why not do it at home where you can hug one another, cry whatever, without a 3rd party supervising it.

I am a huge therapy fan but for some reason this does not sound good to me.