I've just recently begun seeing a therapist, received my letter and getting info about various treatments. To be honest, I've always dreamed of myself as a more androgynous man; I just prefer some more classically/stereotypically "feminine" traits such as a lack of body hair, more delicate bone structure, etc. So reading up on T there are some things that make me scrunch my nose (facial and body hair) and some things that just flat-out terrify me (blood clots, liver stuff).

I plan to have top surgery and that is, as far as anything can be at this point, written in stone for me. But I have been waffling about HRT and while part of me feels that I could be perfectly happy reshaping my body surgically and through diet and exercise, and transitioning socially, another part of me is yelling at me that I'm wimping out over little things that men have to deal with anyway (medical risks aside) and why should I turn my nose up at the whole package just because I don't wanna shave. I'm struggling with this. Is that just societal conditioning talking? I like to think I'm kind of over that but it's insidious stuff.

I'm not certain I follow how your concerns translate to guilt.  It sounds like you are headed toward a path that will take you more in direction of a non-binary  direction.  I am curious if you have discussed the guilt aspect of this with your therapist.  I suspect the response would be or has been quite interesting.

There have been a number of threads here that have evolved into discussions of whether a  giving member perceives himself or herself to be "trans enough."  Are you struggling with this question?  Is is a question of whether you uncomfortable not choosing to transition to a classically fully male gender role, function or appearance?

Steph

[quote author=Steph Eigen link=topic=220841.msg1955448#msg1955448 date=1488948758
There have been a number of threads here that have evolved into discussions of whether a  giving member perceives himself or herself to be "trans enough."  Are you struggling with this question?  Is is a question of whether you uncomfortable not choosing to transition to a classically fully male gender role, function or appearance?
[/quote]

That's a good way of putting it, I think that makes sense. I guess I'm worried about whether people might think I'm "playing at it" if I decide my version of masculinity is different from what they expect when they think of what it means to be a man. I've *always* preferred a less stereotypically macho masculinity but until I decided to transition I never cared what other people might think of my preference there. I suppose there are going to be a lot of things that I never cared about what other people thought suddenly starting to be a concern, and I don't like that idea. It seems like the reality, though, I mean if I'm not doing anything at all then I can afford not to care what people think, but when I start doing something it seems to really matter. I may be overthinking this. :/

I felt the same about some aspects at first. After I started T though I became far less anxious in general and much more comfortable with things I wasn't so hot on at first.

The blood clots things is just a risk - there are similar risks from say taking female hormonal birth control which millions do. You can control your lifestyle/diet and lower those risks significantly. 

Thanks, that helps to hear.

Hi Minyassa,

I'm new to this forum, and I similarly feel that I want to transition but I would be a very feminine man, and I would probably identify as nonbinary no matter what. I, personally, do want a beard and lots of the other things that testosterone would induce, but I see myself as the kind of man who would wear nail polish and other "girly" thing, and might wear a beard but also have long hair that I would occasionally braid. I think that's why it took me so long to realize I'm not cisgender - I distinctly remember in my preteens asking myself if I was trans, and saying to myself "Well if I was a boy I wouldn't be into sports or fighting or video games, so I must really be a girl after all." It took me over a decade to figure out that I don't have to be a stereotypical or hypermasculine boy to be a boy.

So you're not alone in some ways.