Just wanted to post an update as I've been wanting to do so for a few days now but haven't gotten around to it. I also finally changed my profile pic to a picture I took last month after a makeover. I really wish I could look like this all the time but only time will tell what happens next in my life.

I've made an appointment for HRT this Thursday and it's a decision that has been on my mind for a while now. I hit 50 this year and I've decided that it's now or never. I'm at a point in my life where I see time passing me by while I stand on the platform of indecision. I don't want to continue living a life that's not my own but instead the one everyone else wants me to live.

As I've posted in the forums previously, I'm XXY and I found out 5 years ago. Since then I've been in and out of therapy though I just started up again after a 2-year hiatus. Many things changed for me over these past years including my increased dysphoria which has led me to change things up a bit. I've had to make these changes because it's increasingly stressful to keep playing the part of a male while wanting to be female.

In the past year, I have started to increase my female wardrobe and decrease my purchases of male clothing. I strictly buy women's jeans, underwear, and sleepwear though I continue to present as male at work and in life until I'm ready to socially transition. For me, it's a great relief to wear female clothing items to work while no one notices the change. It's one step in a journey of many more steps to come but one that has kept me sane for the moment.

My sanity, as of some time, has gotten to the point where I feel I need to start HRT. It's a decision that comes with many feelings ranging from excitement and anxiousness to fear and insecurity. While I can't wait to start feeling normal (what is normal?) or better said having the dysphoria fade, I'm unsure as to what the future holds for me.
As I've said before, I'm not a typical male brimming with Testosterone. In fact, I barely produce any and need to be on Androgel just to attempt to get up to regular male range. Testosterone has not really helped my dysphoria decrease because I really don't want to be a man but I've been taking it for years to keep my energy levels from dropping bad. I'm just really unsure of how this will work on me considering I'm already producing more estrogen than I should.

I've read a lot about regular guys brimming with T and how the changes vary for them. I'm just really afraid that if I "top off the tank" is going to start seeing rapid changes that will force me to have to socially transition long before I'm ready. I'm already sporting 42C moobs that have been with me for life but I'm overweight and that helps hide how big they really are. However, the fear and the apprehension make me wonder just what the hell I'm doing and I'm fearful that I may experience mental changes that will bring my female side to the forefront.

I'm wondering if anyone else started MTF HRT that was intersex and how the process went? I'm sort of jumping into the pool with both feet and hoping for the best. I can't keep living like this and the rising dysphoria is not helping me keep it together anymore. I feel I spend way too much time distracted by feelings of wanting to be female and being myself instead of this caricature of myself.

Hi MRV35,

Congratulations on your decision and you are very pretty.

I started HRT late at age 50. I was told by Dr. McGinn (she did my GCS)  I am intersexed because my genitals and area around them and are not typical. She reviewed my genital area 4 times (different appointments) prior to GCS. Papillion and Dr. McGinn have seen me 8 or so times since my GCS. They have been fantastic.   

Everything is frightening the first time you do it. Transition is no exception, it can be scary but when you are use to the change it becomes the new normal and it is very freeing.

Hi MRV,

  I understand that uncertainty  and fear about whether we are doing the right thing in changing our bodies to make them match that desire in our heads.  In my own case it came to me after the fact. I hardly even thought about starting HRT. I got the meds and started.. Then I started with the fears. fear of telling my doctor so I could do it right. Fear of getting therapy. Fears of coming out to family and friends. Those were my main fears and still are as I have only begun to come out.  But as for HRT it's still almost a no brainer for me. I'm doing it right or wrong. But as I told my daughter I do not feel that what I am doing is wrong. I am seeing boobs grow on my chest and I LOVE them. I've wanted breasts for sooo long how can it be wrong?
   Dealing with others is where my personal doubts and fears come from.

  I hope you LOVE every part of your fabulous journey MRV

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

Rachel and Jeanette, thank you for your encouraging words. I had my appointment on Thursday and all went very well. The staff was great and made me feel at ease. Dr. Kovacs took the time to explain everything to me, went over the paperwork that I had previously filled out regarding the risks and the side effects as well as the changes that would come from starting HRT. I also got my question answer the about energy levels and I'm really excited about what's to come. I had a blood test done where they took 8 vials of blood in a urine sample so hopefully by Tuesday or Wednesday the results will be back and I'll get my prescription to start hormones.

For me one of the best things was being able to talk to the doctor and to get the facts on what would happen when I start HRT. For now my desire is to keep presenting as male but start feminizing my body and be able to possibly be part-time. At some point in the future I hope to go full-time but for now the way I'm feeling's​ this is my best course of action and because of work and other obligations I feel like I need to keep presenting male until I can work things out or until I don't have a choice. It all really depends on how my body takes the hormones.

I even went to see the therapist on Friday and she said she could see that I was much happier. How could I not be knowing that I'm going to start the journey. A journey that I've been hoping would start at some point in my life. Thinking back now hindsight is 20/20 but I really wish I would have started sooner because time is passing by and when I hit 50 this year it  really opened​ my eyes to the fact that I needed to get this done sooner rather than later. I told her about how I had been practicing my voice for the last for 5 years and she asked to hear it. It was encouraging to hear from her that there was a difference and that with a little bit more work I could get my voice to a more female sounding voice so now it is pretty androgynous. We agreed upon my trying to use my new voice for the next session. It will be good to practice with someone who can give me constructive criticism. I really enjoy my sessions with her.

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk

Congratulations MRV,

  I'm glad you got your apprehensions worked out and are now looking forward to starting HRT. This road we choose is not an easy one but it can be traveled with the help of other that are journeying at your side and by those that have gone before. Never be afraid to ask for help. Whether a problem seem small and insignificant or looms large and insurmountable you will find someone that will be willing to help you overcome it. Fear is only a problem until you face it and defeat it's hold over you. Sometimes all you need is someone to hold your hand. Sometime what you need is to be challenged. Other times a gentle nudge will do the trick. Sometimes you need cajoling. But you can do this MRV and you will be happier for it.
    Soon you'll have your meds and you won't be able to take them and let the magic begin.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

PS You can't really be 50, can you?

Why? How old do I look?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: MRV35 on April 16, 2017, 10:44:20 AM
Why? How old do I look?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

   I was thinking maybe 30. You saying you just turned 50 was a shocking surprise.
What ever age you look cute in your avatar picture.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

Thank you so much. It's funny because I still get carded when I buy liquor but it's not the first time that I've been told I look young. A couple of years ago a Barista at I Starbucks I frequent overheard me telling a coworker about how long I had been working(25 years at that point) and she asked how old I was because she thought I was about 30-35.

My XXY genetics have kept me looking young though I've been balding for quite some time now. I can't wait to see what happens when I start HRT.

Hugs,


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk