Hello All,
I'm in a place of radical realizations now, and it's both confusing and exciting! I've struggled with my sexuality increasingly throughout my life, but most especially the last 4-5 years. I'm 55 and late to the party, at least in my mind, but it's only recently that I've finally been able to make sense of myself. Some of my earliest memories are of intense desires to be turned into a beautiful princess and getting to wear a lovely dress, like the pictures of women that I've seen. I'm thinking around 4 years old, but I'm not sure. I was born into a very restrictive religious environment (Mormon) that had zero tolerance for this sort of thing (especially 50+ years ago!), and so it got buried somewhere in my poor, abused psyche. Years of dissatisfaction, confusion, even self-hatred followed, until I gradually shifted into becoming more awake to the reality of life, especially a more personal spirituality.
I was so aided over the last few years by marrying an amazing, powerful, accepting woman. I could share my deepest fears and desires with her, and she was (and is) always completely accepting. As we gradually eased into a triad polyamorous relationship, things shifted between her and I, and I became (much to my satisfaction, surprisingly!) more of a girlfriend to her. We both were well aware of this, and since I made it clear that I actually wanted this, we let things move naturally. All my real progress in the last few years has come by letting things move naturally. With her blessing, I started exploring other sexual experiences, but this still left me feeling confused. I liked men, but preferred bi men. Men who were too feminine put me off. I love kissing and touching and stimulating my wife, but I lost all desire for intercourse with her. I found her very desirable, but I didn't want to penetrate anyone anymore with my penis, ever. It's been almost 2 years since the last time I did so, and that's fine with me. With men, I'm a committed "bottom" at all times, and I'd rather they left my penis alone. I have even, over the last year, grown a long, beautiful head of hair - brown, slightly curly, and halfway down my back. I've been amazed that I can do this at my age, and I've been delighted at the way it looks and feels! None of this made the least sense to me, but I'd decided to stop trying to judge myself all the time, and just go with what felt right.
The confusion continued, with a steady progression to a very submissive state. This didn't mean weak and powerless, not at all! I work at home with my wife, and the work we do is amazingly powerful energetic healing work, and I had to stay grounded, focussed and stand in a very powerful place. But fundamentally, the dynamics shifted to where I was her assistant, and her other lover basically became the man of the home. I was happy with all this.
I hope it's not TMI with my sexual experience, I'm trying to keep it all G rated while still getting across the peculiarity of it (at least to me).
One thing that's held me back from stepping fully into my transexuality is a fear of looking like a "man in a dress." I've done a little cross-dressing, even with my wife, and it hasn't been all that satisfying. I didn't want to be that. I want to be a WOMAN, completely, indistinguishable, whole. I didn't think that was remotely possible, especially at my age.
Last month, at my request, my wife did a card reading about my struggles with my sexual identity, and the results blew me away. It sunk very deep that it was time to just accept and move on. As soon as I accepted that, I knew with complete certainty that I got to accept that I was a woman. It's like it popped up from just beneath the surface, but I knew it had been there all along. This "snapped" all the confusion and all the "peculiar" changes into place instantly. It all made sense now at a deep, deep level.
I didn't share this immediately with my wife - I got to sit with it a few days. When I did, it rocked even her pretty hard. She was aware that I struggled, wondered if I was gay, knew I was bi, beta and submissive, but hadn't really seriously considered I might be a woman, ready to fully step into that space. My certainty about it made it even more of a shock to her, but after a day or two to absorb it, she embraced it fully and now is my champion for my physical transformation. Yes, I know. I am very blessed to have her in my life.
Since then, the dysphoria has been intense at times. She has worked with me a little, plucking my eyebrows to be less of a mess, assisting me in finding some clothes, and being someone I can share my feelings and impressions with. This site has been aaaaamaaaaaaazing! Seeing the transformations in others, I'm getting that I don't have to have that "man in a dress" look at all - I can be beautiful and feminine and complete on the outside as well as the inside. Thank you all for your sharing and contributions!
