I'm not a new reader to this site, but I don't think I have posted before.  I am struggling with my gender identity and this is a very supportive place.  I have recently acknowledged that I am a transgender person. I'm 41, amazed how long this journey is, and that it goes on as new things, experiences and desires.

I have lived as male for my life, at least on the outside. My story starts out as a young child. I remember being interested in frilly or satin things, especially the satin edge of my blanket. I remember being interested in the girls swimsuits and wondering why they were different and so much more pretty.

I was a master at letting no one know, even myself. One upshot is that I did not live through the intense bullying that occurs, but I really preferred to be aline or with women or girls my age.

Fast forward, I thought I just liked panties, then wearing them, and then... on and on with intimates and then crossdressing more, trying makeup and nail polish. I bought a wig and only did this in total secret, even though my wife was ok with the panties but nothing more.

Over the last few years I have acknowledged that this is no longer an interest for me only. It is me. It is very important for me to wear well fitting clothes, I prefer skinny jeans and khakis, and more femme or androgynous clothing. I love jewelry. I present as male but I feel like a more genderfluid presentation is what I'm working for.  I'm feeling like I'm a nonbinary trans person, but it is still early in my journey so I may be other things as well.  I love this realization, I love myself, and I find that I really love trans people, or anyone who is genderfabulous. I'm also a bit sad about it sometimes and I cry. Quite and interesting flux of emotions there.

I enjoy reading your posts and I love you all. My heart goes out to you. Hello!


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Dear Billie

I just recently finished my book, an auto biography of me, a transgender woman. One of the phrases I use applies to most of us
"You can fool yourself for a long time, but not forever, and one day it all comes back to you. This is my experience, is always when you least expect it and when you are at the most vulnerable." Ella Marques

Try to understand yourself. It is your unique self.

Regards
Ella

Thank you Ella!  I'd like to read your book sometime!


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   Hi billiemarsha,

  I'm Jeanette, 64, mtf, and doing HRT. I am also a self appointed unofficial greeter. Yup, I did that all by myself. I do many things by myself.  Anyway I want to give you the unofficial Jeanette greeting to Susan's Place. ((( HUG ))) lol  I love giving hugs. Welcome, welcome!  Come on in and have a beverage, coffee is on the counter, hot water for tea, sodas in the fridge, ice in the freezer and water in the tap, (Susan is always struggling for the funds to run this site so we have tap water) The water tastes pretty good though.
  You say you've been a lurker? Well I am glad your decided to come into the light. Come to the light Baby, to the light!  lol Sorry, sometimes movie lines dart through my head unbidden. So you've been around a little while? It's about time you started giving back to the community for all the good stuff you've been sneaking. I hope you will stay out in the open with us and share what's happening with you as you did by writing your intro.
  A lot of us started with a fascination for soft pretty things. With my 5 sisters I was no different in coveting them. I would sneak a couple items and hide them in my room. I remember one day when I didn't have clean underwear of my own to wear to school. My mom gave me a pair of my sister's soft thin panties to wear. I was sooo excited and they felt so good and I was wearing them with my mom's blessing!. I don't remember it ever happening again but it was great for a day.
   I took me a lot longer than you to come to the conclusion that I was trans. I was a life long crossdresser and had myself convinced it was enough. I was lying to myself. There was always a desire for something more and at the end of last year I discovered  trans, gender dysphoria and HRT. Oh I think I knew about then but from a long distance point of view. This was different. It was up front in my face personal. I was trans, more specifically a trans woman. I suffered forever with dysphoria I just had never heard nor understood the term. I started HRT to become that woman I long wanted to be.  I am still working on accepting  myself but it isn't a race, I'll get there eventually.
   It sounds to me like you are still in the discovery phase. You know you are trans, just not quite sure of the flavor. Like I said it's not a race. You have time to discover yourself and then you can start your personal journey if that is your choice.
  I'm, we are glad you are here billiemarsha. If you need help just holler. There are many here to help you and answer your questions as you very well know.  Just keep coming back.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

Hi, billiemarsha!

Oh, does that ever sound familiar.  I think you will find that you aren't alone, and there are many kindred souls here to chat with and find support from.

I hope you feel welcome here.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to take a look, please take a moment to go through them.

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

Thank you for welcoming me. I read through the links, they make a lot of sense and seem to be community oriented, very nice to feel the community aspect here.


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Welcome. I could not have explained it better. So glad we are finally finding the answers.

Hi Billiemarsha 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M