Hi everyone.  Yesterday was not a happy day for me.  I went shopping at Target and when I went to the little café they have inside the store and handed the cashier my money for a hot dog he said "thank you sir".  It happened again when I was boarding the bus to go home and I went to pay the fare and the driver said "thank you sir".  I have not been missgendered in a very long time, why all of a sudden is this happening now? The worst part is that I said nothing back to them, I did not correct their error.  I have always had a problem with asserting myself and this was one of those times.  What do you say to a person who missgenders you and how do you say it without them laughing at you?  I have corrected people in the past or at least tried to and all they did was laugh at me and thought I was kidding when I would say "it is miss not sir".  They would then just laugh and say "Yeah right, nice try guy".  Or they would say "your a guy". 

It would love to be right genderd some time, but I fear that is never going to happen. I'm pre everything. But I'm starting very late

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I've been mosgendered before. More so before hormones, now not so much. Before hormones 80% would call me mam or she and the 20% would call me sir and he. After hormones less and less people called me sir as time went by. Like this one time a coworker of mine would hit on me before not knowing I was trans told me a older man told him that there was a cashier the other day and he couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl, now at that time I was being gendered as female by most so many my voice slipped up, but my coworker told me he didn't know wjy he would say that because I look nothing like a man. I learned everyone has a different opinion on what's masculine and feminine.

That sucks. I'm sorry to say that it happens to me quite a bit.  I get called "Sir" all the time. There's not a whole lot you can do or say. Some people you encounter are just dense and will never get it. Others are just mean spirited.

In my personal experience, you can't really "do" anything about it. I found that if I don't react, they'll either change it to ma'am or they'll drop it.  Either way, natal women generally wouldn't catch it and react. So why would we? Once I let the "sir's" effect my day, I get more of them. Let it blow past you and continue and you'll get far less of the misgendering in the day.

I also found that my girlfriends are way better at correcting people with a sharp tongue than I ever could or would.... Don't get upset or let it wreck your day. Karma is a killer.

If you know they are being somewhat rude, you can misgender them right back. If you want be a bit more bold, you can ask them if you need to drop your pants before they will believe you. We sometime are a bit timid when we are transitioning as we wish to pass inconspicuously when a CIS person would act more offended. 

Quote from: Dena on April 15, 2017, 02:06:29 PM
If you know they are being somewhat rude, you can misgender them right back. If you want be a bit more bold, you can ask them if you need to drop your pants before they will believe you. We sometime are a bit timid when we are transitioning as we wish to pass inconspicuously when a CIS person would act more offended.

when I get offended it makes people think I am male because sometimes people make mistakes and accidentally call me sir and if that happens and I get mad they get suspicious. Like one time a older lady was accidentally called me he and I asked why she said that and I acted offended and she said she didn't mean to and then actually questioned me on why I got so offended if I'm not actually a boy.

If they are an employee, you can ask to speak to their manager; and then Inform him or her of their subordinates rude behavior, and if they brush it off, let them know that you intend to report the incident to their superior. You don't have to accept disrespectful rude behavior, just keep your composure and stand up for yourself.

not gonna lie, i have said sir to women and miss to men when im lost in thought lol. it really depends on what I was thinking about at the moment and i get really embarrassed when it happens, but im not trying to be rude. we are only human after all.

With my bingo wings and turkey neck I might get away with it.

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on April 15, 2017, 02:20:52 PM
when I get offended it makes people think I am male because sometimes people make mistakes and accidentally call me sir and if that happens and I get mad they get suspicious. Like one time a older lady was accidentally called me he and I asked why she said that and I acted offended and she said she didn't mean to and then actually questioned me on why I got so offended if I'm not actually a boy.

This is a great point. I do like the idea of laughing in their face like it is funny. Unfortunately it hurts too much and it is not really what I would want to do. I went to see some family this weekend for the first time as Monica and my sister 'he'd' me to death. Finally, I started busting her chops in a playful way. She said that I would have to remind her for a while. It made me think that I needed to take more of an active role if I want the misgendering to stop.
   The devil in me sometimes wants me to get all dramatic out in public. Something like "I am female and I have a condition that makes me look somewhat masculine. (All true) I can't believe you called me Sir." Then bust out into tears. If I can make them feel 3 inches tall then maybe they would think next time. Maybe I'll try that if they aren't in charge of bringing my food. lol
Moni

As far as correcting goes, I've seen several cis that WILL correct someone if they get misgendered, and if it keeps happening they can get down right angry about it.  Ever listen to Kim Kommando on the radio? Someone did it to her, and she got downright hostile (and honestly I don't blame her, she's cute and "passes" lmao).

Noone likes to be misgendered.  I have no problems ignoring the first time, but more than that ESPECIALLY if you're dressed feminine Aint gonna happen on my watch.

Just my 2 cents worth.

Thank you for all your suggestions and advice, that does help and I have pretty much gotten over it now.  I will say something next time something like this happens again though.  I do tend to have bushy eyebrows, a unibrow and that could have tipped them off, I don't know, I am going to have the brows taken care of next week, plus I may need to shape them better too, that is going to be fun, since I am visually impaired, lol.  My facial features, well....most of my friends tell me that I look feminine but then we are our own critic and when I look at myself, I see a masculine face.  I am only now just restarting Spiro at a very low dose, when I first started my transition 10 years ago, I was put on Spiro and Estrogen, I ended up in the hospital from severe low blood pressure.  Sure the Spiro and Estrogen did give me smoother skin and a more feminine facial feature but their was a life threatening cost to pay for that.  I am now on a very low dose to start with on a trial basis, my doctor wants me to discontinue it if I notice any drop in blood pressure. I have borderline low blood pressure and as you know Spiro is given mainly to patients who have high blood pressure.  In the meantime I am consulting with a retired makeup artist I know and she is going to recommend a good product that might help in concealing all the hard lines on my face, their is not a lot of them but there are some on my chin and around my eyes.  I have been using liquid foundation, but that is just not working so well anymore for me.  Plus when I went through Chemotherapy two years ago, the medicines they used were all steroids and you know what steroids can do to your body.  As for presenting feminine in the way I dress, I mainly wear women's trousers with a top and sandals.  I also wear nail polish and a berry color lip cream.  Accessory wise, I wear a nice one pearl necklace on a gold or silver chain, not sure of the color.  I rarely wear dresses, mainly because I would stick out in the crowd too much, no one, I mean no one wears dresses where I live, which is Southern California.  Every woman I have seen wears either jeans and a t-shirt or slacks and a blouse or cardigan and when it is warmer shorts.  I have yet to find a woman that wears dresses around here.  Yes, they are more feminine and they would make me look more feminine too but do I want to stick out or blend in?  What are your thoughts on wearing dresses?  How many of you wear dresses and skirts instead pants anymore?  Do you feel that you stick out in the crowd? 

Quote from: Suegrl on April 15, 2017, 07:48:43 PM
Thank you for all your suggestions and advice, that does help and I have pretty much gotten over it now.  I will say something next time something like this happens again though.  I do tend to have bushy eyebrows, a unibrow and that could have tipped them off, I don't know, I am going to have the brows taken care of next week, plus I may need to shape them better too, that is going to be fun, since I am visually impaired, lol.  My facial features, well....most of my friends tell me that I look feminine but then we are our own critic and when I look at myself, I see a masculine face.  I am only now just restarting Spiro at a very low dose, when I first started my transition 10 years ago, I was put on Spiro and Estrogen, I ended up in the hospital from severe low blood pressure.  Sure the Spiro and Estrogen did give me smoother skin and a more feminine facial feature but their was a life threatening cost to pay for that.  I am now on a very low dose to start with on a trial basis, my doctor wants me to discontinue it if I notice any drop in blood pressure. I have borderline low blood pressure and as you know Spiro is given mainly to patients who have high blood pressure.  In the meantime I am consulting with a retired makeup artist I know and she is going to recommend a good product that might help in concealing all the hard lines on my face, their is not a lot of them but there are some on my chin and around my eyes.  I have been using liquid foundation, but that is just not working so well anymore for me.  Plus when I went through Chemotherapy two years ago, the medicines they used were all steroids and you know what steroids can do to your body.  As for presenting feminine in the way I dress, I mainly wear women's trousers with a top and sandals.  I also wear nail polish and a berry color lip cream.  Accessory wise, I wear a nice one pearl necklace on a gold or silver chain, not sure of the color.  I rarely wear dresses, mainly because I would stick out in the crowd too much, no one, I mean no one wears dresses where I live, which is Southern California.  Every woman I have seen wears either jeans and a t-shirt or slacks and a blouse or cardigan and when it is warmer shorts.  I have yet to find a woman that wears dresses around here.  Yes, they are more feminine and they would make me look more feminine too but do I want to stick out or blend in?  What are your thoughts on wearing dresses?  How many of you wear dresses and skirts instead pants anymore?  Do you feel that you stick out in the crowd?

depends on the dress. I only wear dresses and heels on special occasions. Mostly on dates, but only if the guy is special to me. I don't wear dresses or heels just for whatever reason because I like wearing comfortable clothing.

I wear dresses when it's nice out.  Other than that Jeans and a T-Shirt.  Sure dresses draw attention, but its not always bad attention.  Confidence in wearing them gets me good attention... Lack of confidence in my appearance usually is a nail in my coffin of passing in public.  I quit with the "what is everyone else wearing?".  I go with what speaks to me that day.  I figure that most women don't wear makeup, and I'm never going to make it without makeup, so why not...  in for a penny, in for a pound.

Unfortunately people determine someone's sex (not gender) by their appearance. And it's usually by things like your face, and then they might check for boobs. Lol We've all done it! "Is that a chick or a dude? I can't tell!"  Sometimes it's hard. they use these cues regardless of how you are dressed. Someone can be in the most feminine dress and people will think "look at that guy in a dress!"

I dress very androgynously; black skinny jeans, black t-shirts, chuck taylors or doc martins.... typical punk/goth stuff.  Lol.  Very unisex. Actually most of my clothes are women's clothes, but it's hard to tell

So from looking at my clothes it can go either way. Plus I'm short. I'm built like a thin flat chested girl. Not masculine at all. So even though I have long hair and might have on nail polish, no one thinks I'm female unless they don't see my face. Then when they do they apologize. Lol. Oh well. [emoji53] I always say "no, it's ok!"

But I realize I'm in no way passable as female (yet) so that's why I don't really present myself as one. Why set myself up to be misgenderd? Because it's going to happen.

But when I have makeup on people aren't always so sure. Especially in a darkened club, like when I'm playing with my band. I've had people tell me "we weren't sure if you were a girl or not."  Small victories! lol

So when I'm further along in my transition, i.e., I've been on hormones for a while, I've taken care of my facial hair, and hopefully had some FFS (at the very least my very male nose), then I'll present myself as female. I say this stuff because a lot of us put ourselves in situations where there's no way we can pass, but then expect other people to just know how we see our gender. I decided not to put myself in that situation until I feel I'm ready.

That's my perspective on it.


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I've been on hormones for 10 months and gendering is all over the map.  I've been "sirred" while in full female dress and makeup, and I've had guys rush to open doors for me when I am wearing a guy's t shirt over skinny jeans and no makeup.

I notice it is mostly younger men who gender me male, while most women seem to gender me female, and most older men seem to at least treat me as female.

Being misgendered just motivates me to work harder on my presentation.

Quote from: RavenMoon on April 16, 2017, 01:00:38 AM
Unfortunately people determine someone's sex (not gender) by their appearance. And it's usually by things like your face, and then they might check for boobs. Lol We've all done it! "Is that a chick or a dude? I can't tell!"  Sometimes it's hard. they use these cues regardless of how you are dressed. Someone can be in the most feminine dress and people will think "look at that guy in a dress!"

I dress very androgynously; black skinny jeans, black t-shirts, chuck taylors or doc martins.... typical punk/goth stuff.  Lol.  Very unisex. Actually most of my clothes are women's clothes, but it's hard to tell

So from looking at my clothes it can go either way. Plus I'm short. I'm built like a thin flat chested girl. Not masculine at all. So even though I have long hair and might have on nail polish, no one thinks I'm female unless they don't see my face. Then when they do they apologize. Lol. Oh well. [emoji53] I always say "no, it's ok!"

But I realize I'm in no way passable as female (yet) so that's why I don't really present myself as one. Why set myself up to be misgenderd? Because it's going to happen.

But when I have makeup on people aren't always so sure. Especially in a darkened club, like when I'm playing with my band. I've had people tell me "we weren't sure if you were a girl or not."  Small victories! lol

So when I'm further along in my transition, i.e., I've been on hormones for a while, I've taken care of my facial hair, and hopefully had some FFS (at the very least my very male nose), then I'll present myself as female. I say this stuff because a lot of us put ourselves in situations where there's no way we can pass, but then expect other people to just know how we see our gender. I decided not to put myself in that situation until I feel I'm ready.

That's my perspective on it.


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i disagree with the first part. People tell me it's my Adam's apple that gives me away or my voice slips up.

It's also kinda weird, before hormones some people would be like that's an obvious guy and if I corrected them when they misgendered me they would say "your a girl?", while that was happening I was still tricking guys (not literally because I told them, but they just never knew when hitting on me). Some people have weird expectations on what a woman should look like. Plus that was before hormones, since starting hormones that hasn't happened.

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on April 16, 2017, 08:43:59 AM
i disagree with the first part. People tell me it's my Adam's apple that gives me away or my voice slips up.

Because you have a very feminine face. [emoji3]

Voice is a tricky one, but I was going on the assumption of someone just looking at a trans person, not talking to them.

I have no visible Adam's apple, and I can pull off a convincing voice. But my face, mostly my nose, is a dead giveaway. [emoji53]


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Like Harley Quin posted earlier, I just ignore it and that seems to work. I heard my cis-female friend get misgendered and it was like she didn't even notice it. And the person who misgendered her didn't apologize because it was just a slip of the tongue most likely. My friend is extremely fem looking and no one would ever think otherwise. Sooo the other day I was at the supermarket and the woman greeted me as female, told another employee that "he", me, needed something and that "she", me again lol, had some questions. I didn't flip out when I was misgendered. I just let it roll off because I know I'm not a male I believe that making a fuss of it brings attention to what might have been an honest mistake even thought they see you as female. I think lots of people don't pay attention to pronouns like we do because we are hyper sensitive. Then again you have people who do it on purpose with mal-intent and that is obvious.