Hello everyone. I'm BlackberryJam, 23 years old pre-transition MtF struggling with fears, doubts and self-loathing. I think I should apologize in advance for my English. Since it's not my native language, my speech can be strange in terms of stylistics, word choice and word order (not to speak of possible grammar mistakes).
I found this forum by chance just recently and after two weeks of read-only I finally decided to register and start communicating with people.
Many transgenders tell that their gender doubts and discomfort began in early (or maybe not so early) childhood. That is somewhat discouraging for me, because I can't recall such feelings in my childhood. Even if I do remember something like that, I fear that it may be just wishful thinking. I was just a shy child, bookworm, nerd and weakling, bullied by some boys and not noticed by majority of other peers. Nothing special. Maybe there were some "girly" tendencies in my behavior, it's hard to tell now.
But in early teenage years strange frustration appeared. Self-disgust, strong dissatisfaction with my body, thoughts like "I wish I were a girl". I tried to become more masculine to overcome those feelings, but it didn't really work. For several years I was thinking that I was a "guy with some feminine character traits" or something like that. As time passed, frustration and semi-conscious wish to be a girl grew stronger. In particular, I preferred to play as a female character in role-playing games (both plot-centered single-player RPGs and Online RPGs). I found out that "pretending" to be a girl on the Web, communicating with people who don't know me in real life, made me feel good and gave me relief. Also I became interested in anime and manga, especially genres of "shoujo" and, even more, "yuri". Hmm, maybe some people don't know what it is. Well, put it shortly and not so accurately, typical "shoujo" is a romance story about a highschool girl who's in love with a boy and typical "yuri" is pretty much the same, but about love between girls (and that I like the most). Also I found that communicating with girls was somewhat easier and more comfortable for me than communicating with boys (urgh, sounds so tautological).
Thus, I dreamed about being a girl more and more. And felt very frustrated because I have a male body. Well, I still feel that way. Maybe there are some other things (aside from what i've told) that drove me to realization of my feminine personality. But this post is already long and possibly boring and tedious.
So, last summer I studied some materials about gender dysphoria and transgender people. And then I finally understood and realized what I felt.
Now I have one friend who knows my secret and supports me, but I fear to come out to anyone else, especially my family. When I think how my parents could react... it scares me very much. I've never visited a therapist or a psychiatrist and I don't know how to start. I want transitioning (with all those HRT and SRS) very much, but I have a fear that I "am not a woman enough" (maybe "not dysphoric enough") to be acknowledged as a transgender who needs transition. And of course I have a fear that I won't pass and will never be even slightly pretty woman (not to speak of "beatiful").
Well, I suppose that's all for introduction.
