A bit of context. I'm 44, MtF, lesbian, couple of months into self-prescribed anti-androgen and HRT (I'm a physician... first appointment with gender team scheduled for 09/2017), and taking initial steps towards feminization. For the moment, I'm out only to my wife and kids and they're very supportive. Among other things (beard electrolysis, skin care...), I've been plucking my brows to a more feminine shape, in a very gradual way so that people at work would not be too shocked (I'm a low-profile kind of woman). At work, you see, nobody knows that I am a trans person. I did notice some strange looks and I'm 100% sure people have noticed the changes (in the mean time I also shaved my very hairy arms), but they're probably unsure of their nature. Nobody mentioned it (apart the fact that I lost weight and every girl in the department wanted to know how, lol). They definitely feel that there is some queerness involved, lol.

So, 4 days ago, I was starting my shift when this female colleague who hadn't seen me in a while, noticed the differences in me and loudly and inquisitively asked, in front of two other colleagues, if I had been plucking my brows, with a tone of voice that made it sound as something shameful and laughable! My most immediate thought: "WTF! This is NOT happening!" One of the colleagues present (a female resident) made an expression signifying that the question was inappropriate, but that b-tch kept asking. So I simply answered: "That's my business", in an ice-cold tone of voice. The atmosphere instantly froze. She just answered: "Oh, ok..." and was visibly hurt by my answer. She left (end of her shift) and that was it.

Now, I feel guilty for being so cold and perhaps rude. Paradoxically, she's the only openly gay person in the department, so I expected a bit more thoughtfulness from her... Next time I will see her will be in two weeks. It's a small department... We're just 8 physicians, so it's not as if she's some anonymous colleague in a call center with hundreds of employees with a high turnover. In the upcoming years, I WILL see her again. I WILL work with her. So mere avoidance is not an option.

I could choose status quo, let things as they are, in their awkwardness, knowing that she has now a clear idea that the subject is taboo for me. Or I could choose to send her an email, apologizing for my brusqueness and explaining, without going into details, that I'm going through some complex issues in my life but that I am doing okay, but that I just don't feel like talking about it at this point.

I plan to come out first to the head of department, probably around next autumn, and then to HR in order to plan my coming out at the whole hospital level. I really do not feel coming out now to that female colleague, unless she brings that up during a private conversation (which I doubt will happen anyway).

Thank you beforehand for your advice and wisdom... 😕

Big warm hugs, Sarah

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Yes it is a bit odd that an individual of the LGBT community would have made feel uncomfortable. An to be so "persistent" in front of others is to me just plain old rude especially if she noticed you weren't comfortable addressing the question. When ever I'm asked questions like "did you go tanning? Do you shave your body?" I always reply back by saying I like to look good, feel good! It normally shuts them up

Hope you the best[emoji254]


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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on April 20, 2017, 11:23:26 PM

if I had been plucking my brows, with a tone of voice that made it sound as something shameful and laughable! My most immediate thought: "WTF! This is NOT happening!" One of the colleagues present (a female resident) made an expression signifying that the question was inappropriate, but that b-tch kept asking. So I simply answered: "That's my business", in an ice-cold tone of voice. The atmosphere instantly froze. She just answered: "Oh, ok..." and was visibly hurt by my answer. She left (end of her shift) and that was it.


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I would not feel guilty it was an inappropriate question especially since someone else also realised it was awkward. That tone can tell you all you need to know about a person..."I know this is embarrassing for you but I am going to make you feel awkward anyway because that's my thing" it is like a slap if delivered in the right tone..

You don't owe it to that person and I would continue with your plan and if that person asks another question in the same way then I would be inclined to take them to task when and if they do it again...privately would be better I agree but not always possible..

Good luck and I hope it works out.

Lot of haters in the gay scene. I keep well away

Imagine a world were eyebrows were not even mentionable in that context, except maybe to say "I like your eyebrows" Gender norms are so programmed into people's brains i think often they do not even know. I think you responded fine.

Thank you so much for your feedback, girls! You were really, really helpful!

I decided I'm not going to apologize because, clearly, the personal nature of her question, the context (in front of other people) and the tone made it totally inappropriate. I tend to be a non-confrontational and sweet kind of girl. I was a little shocked to discover how bitchy I can turn if triggered... 😈 Therefore my questioning about an eventual apology. But no, you're totally right. I have nothing to apologize for.

Again, thank youuuu! I LOVE this community! 😊

Big sweet hugs, Sarah

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