Hi everyone,

So, I mentioned in a previous post I made, elsewhere on this site, that I have my own share of problems despite having transitioned for a decently long period of time (3 years), and one of these is severe body image problems.

For reference, I'm just under 5 ft. 9, and when I started my transition, I weighed around 170 lbs. I was really toned, and maybe even muscular, naturally---and my hopes were that estrogen would just rid of the muscle for me. Unfortunately, that never happened (I'm one of those people who just naturally stays extremely fit, and thus can't lose muscle easily at all), so I resorted to starvation in 2014, along with the hormones.

To be more specific, I ate only two spoons of Nutella each day for around three months, and my weight decreased to 141 lbs. Ultimately, I stopped the absurd diet for several months after I noticed that my hands would abruptly turn purple due to poor blood flow.

So, the obvious solution would have been to seek counseling, but I was placed in a psychiatric ward in early-2015, and the psychiatrist called me "bro" and "man" like every other word (purposefully), and the staff in general stared at me constantly   and reminded​ me how much of an alien I looked like back then. This was almost 2.5 years ago, and I'm still extremely repelled by psychiatrists because the trauma of that stay hasn't subsided.

Nonetheless I sought treatment from a different psychiatrist around two months ago, and she was nice for one visit, not even knowing that I'm trans until I told her. The last visit, however, she got up mid-appointment and abruptly said she had a meeting to go to. The abilify she prescribed me wasn't even sent to the pharmacy, and the therapist she works alongside never even called me for a therapy appointment like the psychiatrist claimed would happen.

I again felt humiliated at the fact that I'm trans, and that I had answered all of the psychiatrist's questions about my situation. I felt like they were invasive questions to begin with, but I complied because I am tired of suffering---and I want help.

Around six weeks ago---a little before my last psychiatrist appointment---I started to feel severe hatred of how big I was, even at about 150 lbs. It got to the point that I had to explain to a professor of mine that I keep missing class because of severe problems I've been having about my appearance, and that I'm trying to seek help. Ultimately, the feelings from 2014 resurfaced full-force, and I started eating one package of Raman (or less) each day. I dropped down to around 137 pounds, and my waist is still at 25 inches in circumference. Some of my teeth are loose, I have dark circles under my eyes whenever I am not wearing makeup, and my hands stay pretty cold.

I'm looking back now at how dumb I was for losing muscle that quickly (again, I've never had visible fat on me), and have also been reflecting on how powerful my body image issues obviously are. Now, with my biceps at around 10.5 inches flexed, my neck measuring 13 inches, and my shoulder circumference at around 41 inches, there's no reason to think that I'm big for a woman.

Nonetheless, the feelings are still there. My scale messed up earlier today, and read 123 lbs , and I felt so jubilant that I wanted to make that weight an accurate reading. Other times, again, I just feel stupid for what I did. I want to undergo counseling, but even in Indianapolis, where I live, the therapists have been of a low quality, and as mentioned previously, I'm very averse to them. What can I do? My problems are more severe than just suffering from GD; I also have to be petite. In addition, I worry about maybe undergoing operations that I don't necessarily need, just so that I can be the most beautiful girl possible.

Can anyone relate? Also, does anyone have any advice? I'm 23, for reference.

K.C.

Hi KC, I recommend reviewing your issue with a medical hospital that deals with anorexia.

I was 260 pounds and went to 140 in college. I was 6'3" at the time. I have had issues with weight  from an early age. At one time I went from 327 to 180 losing 5 pounds a week.

No matter my weight I felt fat and saw myself as fat. fitting into tighter and tighter jeans and clothing was what I wanted and I was never satisfied.

While it's not for the same reason, it sounds like you have anorexia. You may not have a comfortable relationship with the medical profession but this needs to be treated now. Yes, at one time I weighted 140 pounds and I am 6'2" but I don't have a muscular build and I was putting down two plates of food at dinner in addition to what I ate for breakfast and lunch. We need to accept the fact that our body isn't going to be perfect. I can't chop off half a foot in height and my figure will never be shapely without a good deal of surgery. I maintain a healthy weight and accept my body as it is. This is no different that billions of CIS women do every day. Nearly every woman has some flaws but they learn the tricks of clothing and makeup to compensate.

If you are unable to remain on a healthy diet, seek treatment for anorexia now. The doctors will want you to develop proper eating habits which means maintaining a health weight.

It doesn't sound anorexia, at least the standard variation. It sounds like you are afraid of being "masculine and big"; which ties into anorexia - but I don't think your afraid of being fat.  Although you are displaying symptoms of anorexia.

This isn't going to be easily fix.

It doesn't seem like you are in the US.

I am a binge-fast type person, I may binge for 3-5 days, and then restrict all my foods for the next 3 days for damage control. I don't crazily binge, but rather eat a whole pizza, and a bottle of red wine. Next day, it'll be like 2 grapefruits, and a bottle of white wine.

I'm sorry to hear that.  Your psychiatrist sounds like they're a special breed of drug dealer...  I wouldn't hesitate to dump them and find someone that actually wants to listen, interact, and help.  You deserve to be treated with respect.  Starving yourself is not the way.  Please don't continue the crash diets.  If they can't help you through this difficult time, you should try a different type of therapist.  Perhaps a gender therapist or a psychotherapist.  Maybe even a psychologist.  Is it an insurance coverage issue that is sending you to these duds?  Seems like the crappy ones are always on the insurance approved provider lists.  If you're still in college, you might be able to be seen by one of the professors.  Sometimes they offer discounts to students.

On a side note, fit and tone is beautiful!  I'm positive that you can find a happy healthy weight that you will look and feel amazing at! Hang in there sweetie!

I've struggled with body image and weight issues too, and it is very difficult. Fortunately I've never developed full anorexia, my friend has voice her concern to me about it because there are periods of time where I starve myself and have lost a fair amount of weight. It is a slippery slope, and one that can lead to potentially adverse health effects if not intervened. Please seek help, I don't know the area where you live very well. But keep searching until you find a therapist that is good. Read reviews, research them, find out info. Indianapolis is a decent sized city, so there has to be someone that can help you there. Take care of yourself and know we're here for you. <3

Quote from: Wild Flower on April 22, 2017, 06:40:26 PM
It doesn't sound anorexia, at least the standard variation. It sounds like you are afraid of being "masculine and big"; which ties into anorexia - but I don't think your afraid of being fat.  Although you are displaying symptoms of anorexia.

This isn't going to be easily fix.

It doesn't seem like you are in the US.

I am a binge-fast type person, I may binge for 3-5 days, and then restrict all my foods for the next 3 days for damage control. I don't crazily binge, but rather eat a whole pizza, and a bottle of red wine. Next day, it'll be like 2 grapefruits, and a bottle of white wine.

I am in the US. And it is more a fear of being big and masculine than a fear of being heavier. I actually would like to gain fat, but my issues make it difficult for me to eat consistently enough to do so.

I have wondered before if I qualify as being an anexoria sufferer, since it has been mentioned so many times in this thread already. Before I transitioned, I would run ten miles every day because I desperately wanted to refrain from getting big in any way, shape, or form. Eventually, that turned into doing 200 push-ups per day, on top of it all, and I never ate lunch or breakfast. :/

It's no wonder, to me, why I'm several inches then the other genetic males in my family. However, at the same time, I reached a point where I stopped talking about my body image issues because I was made fun of for it in high school. I just accepted that I would never be okay with being big and masculine, and moved on with life.

Now, here I am at age 23, and the problems I displayed at age 14 are still ruining my life. However, sometimes, I truly am convinced that the problems will subside if I get down into the 120s. I'm directionless, obviously.

K.C.

Sorry you are having such a hard time.  I am familiar with anorexia.  I have had several bouts of it over the years.  When I was 13 years old I was eating so little that I was 5' and 87 lbs.  I was proud of being lighter than some of the girls I was in school with.  I believe this is probably common, especially with trans girls who compete with cis girls.

When I was older, I had gynecomastia and I was trying to flatten my chest down to nothing because I was struggling with looking too androgynous.  Nothing worked.  I think a lot of trans women go through body image problems for a variety of reasons and it's not a cause for alarm.

I think I have a suggestion for you that you can try immediately while seeking a new doctor.  You can probably start eating completely normally and not expect the muscle to reaccumulate, considering you aren't doing any muscle building exercises and you're on HRT.  I think maybe you're just really afraid that the muscle will come back, and using logic I'm guessing it won't.  You might gain a little healthy fat and it will probably only make you appear more feminine.  I'm not a doctor obviously, but I think you can safely try resuming eating normally without having to be so worried.  If you gain weight, it will likely just be water and healthy fat.  You should probably also stop measuring your body (if you can), and just look to see if you're pleased with your reflection in the mirror.  I hope this helps.

Quote from: Harley Quinn on April 22, 2017, 06:50:46 PM
I'm sorry to hear that.  Your psychiatrist sounds like they're a special breed of drug dealer...  I wouldn't hesitate to dump them and find someone that actually wants to listen, interact, and help.  You deserve to be treated with respect.  Starving yourself is not the way.  Please don't continue the crash diets.  If they can't help you through this difficult time, you should try a different type of therapist.  Perhaps a gender therapist or a psychotherapist.  Maybe even a psychologist.  Is it an insurance coverage issue that is sending you to these duds?  Seems like the crappy ones are always on the insurance approved provider lists.  If you're still in college, you might be able to be seen by one of the professors.  Sometimes they offer discounts to students.

On a side note, fit and tone is beautiful!  I'm positive that you can find a happy healthy weight that you will look and feel amazing at! Hang in there sweetie!

Well, as far as the psychiatrist goes, I think the low-quality treatment is owing to the fact that she works at a clinic that treats gay men and trans women for HIV. It's a community health clinic, with all sorts of coverage, and it generally sucks unless you're a victim of HIV or worse, to be honest.

My university told me that they lack anyone on staff who is qualified to treat trans people, even in the way of therapy. My university has 30,000 students, so I'm rather amazed, and also let down.

I have decent insurance, but I am scared beyond belief at seeking out yet another psychiatrist. I've never, in 23 years, had a good experience with the psychiatrists I've been sent to. Indiana is generally conservative and closed-minded, and I'm suffering because of it currently. I will try to seek out some other type of provider, maybe even one that specializes in body image issues.

K.C.

Anorexia is a body image issue and some women are only comfortable with their body image when it resembles that of a concentration camp survivor. The dictionary definition for anorexia is "an emotional disorder characterized by an obsessive desire to lose weight by refusing to eat". I made a special effort to learn about this when Karen Carpenter died as the result of this.

I don't think your problems with end if you reach 120 pounds because then you will want 115 and then 110. I suggest you talk to your doctor about this as soon as possible. For a while it was though that Anorexia was something only women had but they now realize both genders suffer from it.

Also, consider looking for a gender therapist to deal with your transgender issues. They are specially trained to handle transgender issues and you should receive better treatment with one.

Glad to hear it K.C.  Don't give up.  There are much better providers out there.  I totally understand the Mid-West struggle.  I've spent a lot of time in the midwest...  It gets better.