Hi,
about 12 months ago i stepped out the shower, and looked at myself in the mirror. What I saw was a fit, athletic 46 year old male, and that made me sad to the pit of my stomach. That was the moment I finally admitted to myself that I was in the wrong body. Since then I have started cross-dressing and giving life to the real me all in secret, late at night. Everytime I dress I feel right, sorted, calm and happy. I ache when I have to de-femme, and can think of nothing but transitioning into who I should be. The problem (and I know its not unique) is that I am married (25yrs) and have a 10yo daughter. They are both my whole world, and I adore them with everything I have. I could not lose either of them. So its taken me 12 months of depression and hate for myself to pluck up the courage to tell my wife I am gender dysphoric and I want to pursue change.
To my utter amazement, my wife when I sat down and told her the whole sorry mess, after digesting the bombshell hugged me and said 'dont worry!', 'we will deal with this together", "I love you" and "You can count on me for support"...

That was 2 days ago, and I have been so happy you cannot believe. However, she has not said anything else about my news to me since the night I came out. So tonight, I asked her if she had any thoughts, or questions on what was in the future. She then started by saying that she thinks there out to be some ground rules.  I shuddered a little, but asked her to continue. She then said that as it was early stages, and I was not planning on going full-time any time soon (we had not discussed that?) then there was a whole slew of people that she did not want me to inform, including my daughter, and my parents! and the other significant rule was that I was not to go 'outside' the home en femme.
It seems to have gone from support and be there for you, to hush it up and hope it disappears.
Another complication is that 10 years ago, I had a tumour that caused me to loose my testes. So I have been on testosterone HRT since. From early January (much to my delight) this testosterone therapy has been causing an excess of oestrogen to build up in my body, so I have started developing breasts and hips already. I am loathed to get it sorted, as I want to start female HRT ASAP, and have an appointment booked with the endo very soon (where I suspect I will be refered to some therapy first).
I dont want to loose her (my wife) I love her so much. And my daughter is my life (My wife works, and I work from home, so I have looked after my daughter daily all her life!). I would die if I lost her. I will die if I cant be female.
I am sitting here as Sarah, 3am, crying, desperate, and feeling so alone that I am typing my sad little story in the hope that strangers who may of gone through this before can drop some seeds of wisdom, encouragement or hope into what seems like a black hole.... Sorry cant type anymore..

We are strangers maybe but we are not strange, just like you. We are good people who deal with a very tough issue. We understand how you feel and you are not alone.
Initial reactions are not always what they appear. Your SO is still processing things. Communication is so important. It may take her time to understand what it is you need. It is too early to tell how it will turn out. The good news is that a ten year old is usually very quick to adjust in my experience. I'm hoping you will find a solution that is respectful to all and allows you to be who you are. By the way, I'm Moni. I'll be around. Take care!

I know this may not sound that good but it is a start. You may have to start slow and build your way up to telling more people as your wife become more comfortable as well she may lift the restrictions.

Welcome to Susan's Place. There may need to be rules in place but it sound like it boils down to thou shalt not transition. At this stage of the game you need couples consoling to work out your differences and if your wife will not agree to this, you have a serious decision ahead of you. As for your daughter, she is still young enough to accept this without much of a problem. If you delay, it could get more difficult. I know you feel the urge to move as fast as possible but at this point a small delay may help you win your wife over. Use that time wisely in therapy deciding on a plan that may work for both of you.

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I'm not married or in a serious relationship,but my family is my life. I can tell you from my experience with my family that this is going to take some compromise from both of you. For me I made most of the compromises in the early stages. I have been out to my immediate family for two years and still am not allowed to tell my nieces or nephew or present as female in front of them this is just one example of compromise. I keep telling myself I have had a lot longer to adjust to this then they have and my continued patience will be rewarded. I have been seeing a therapist for about 3 years and she has been extremely helpful just having someone to talk to and share my frustrations with has been a major part of my ability to cope with the challenges of being transgender. I believe communication between you and your wife is going to be the key to getting through this. My mom and I have always had a strong relationship and she has been my strongest supporter though it took time for her to get to that point. I suspect your wife will be your strongest supporter but it will take time for her to get there. Be patient and lean on those of us here at Susan's Place for strength and you'll get through this.

Hugs
ScarletRed



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Thanks all for all the speedy replies and kind words. I guess its kind of raw for both of us.. I was just initially relieved she did not pack and run and then shocked by her support, only now to have it sort of derailed. I had made it clear that this is me, but I think she harbours the thought that it is the hormones I am on, and I will be fixed. I dont think this is something that is fixed, it just seems like this is me? I feel so scr*wed up at the moment...

So many of us have been there, where you are right now. It's tough but hand in there. I'm several months down the road now. My relationship with my wife has changed, some good and some maybe not. You will have to figure out how patient you can be with your wife's acceptance. She may never accept you for who you are inside. On the other hand she may be able to come to terms with what she will feel is the loss of who she thought you were and the complete shift in her world. It will be hard for both of you. Don't loose hope in yourself and your future. It seems so easy for many of us, myself included to put the wants of everyone we care about before our own well being. Also remember you have been there for your daughter her whole life. She will not let go of you anymore than you will let go of her.

Please try to stay strong. Just know we are here for you. Hugs 

Oh, thats lovely, thats done it, I am in floods of tears now..

   I am still with my wife. She says that Moni is the person she really fell in love with, not the male form that I was. I tell you this because there are benefits for a partner who stays with a person who comes to terms with their real self. They then have a happier, more patient, more at peace partner to be with. It can be good for them if they can adjust.
   Try to calm down if you can. It really is a long process to work through things. Don't panic. You are moving forward which is very good. There will be ups and downs. Stay positive.
Moni

  Hi Sarah,

   I'm Jeanette mtf, 64, and a self appointed unofficial greeter for Susan's Place. Welcome to the site Sarah. Come on in and have a seat. I noticed that you have already been officially greeted so  my job is superfluous now. Oh well that's life. (( Hug )) I can at least give you that. I would love to offer you some assurances that everything will be alright. But unfortunately I cannot do that as I cannot foretell the future. If I could I would have been a beautiful young lady by now instead of a 64 yro just beginning to work on becoming the woman I want to be. I do sincerely hope that you and your wife can come to a workable understanding and can remain together. It can happen though the odds are against it. I'm sorry but that is just the way it is.
  There are married ladies here that have managed to stayed married to their loving wives and I applaud their success. So yes there is hope Sarah. Perhaps they will be able to give you words of wisdom that will help both you and your wife.

  Be at ease here Sarah and know you are wanted and welcome here.

  Hugs.
    Jeanette

Sarah, my gf of 18+ years has only known me for trans but was far from supportive when I first considered surgery early in the relationship and then early last year when I decided to proceed with HRT and probably surgery (which will be about 3 days from now!).

I suggest reading Julia Serano, there's a fair amount online and her book Whipping Girl talks a lot about how the rules you describe (and many of the rules that have regulated the medical process of transitioning) exist to protect cis gender people from inconvenience of accepting transitioning, gender variant etc people.

My gf has come around to being supportive and while we don't really know how life will shape up post op, I know she's uncomfortable with any notion of coming out with her family. I'm not able to fully support that because it's clearly transphobic. On the other hand, being practical, I don't pass and I hardly ever see her family anyhow so it may never come up.

Hopefully your wife will come to understand and I can only suggest being assertive. When I decided to transition id already begun hrt before I discussed with her because i wanted to make my decisions about the effects of estrogen without simultaneously dealing with her negative feelings at the same time. When we talked about it, I didn't tell her I'd already started and I'd not been happy about withholding that but knowing that it was what I needed (it only took a week) made it a simpler conversation. Your situation has already obviated that and I'd hazard a guess that your emotional waterworks are due in part to high estrogen levels.

Lastly we're sisters, not strangers :-) and I didn't need any more counselling to begin HRT. I was articulate with the endo that I knew what I needed and she simply proceeded to discussing options.

I'm the wrong person to ask.

I might be a nonbinary partially transmale but I have enough female traits to not allow people to tell me what to do.

There is always a natural workaround that avoids prescription drugs if one know how to google search.

Also, I would just do what I want and say nothing to people who might want to stop me.
I can't even begin to relate to the male tendency to slavishly obey wives.
Yet all the males I know do so.
They have to get permission to do anything, or even to spend their own money. I don't get it.

But men who have enough female traits to be independent often can't maintain successful relationships with women because they DON'T obey them. These are the movie stars, directors, and other talented men who are usually androgynous, so lead independent lives until their wives kick them out.

Quote from: Raell on April 23, 2017, 02:59:49 AM
Also, I would just do what I want and say nothing to people who might want to stop me.
I can't even begin to relate to the male tendency to slavishly obey wives.
Yet all the males I know do so.
They have to get permission to do anything, or even to spend their own money. I don't get it.

But men who have enough female traits to be independent often can't maintain successful relationships with women because they DON'T obey them. These are the movie stars, directors, and other talented men who are usually androgynous, so lead independent lives until their wives kick them out.

I explain it this way Testosteron(e) starts with an T and another german word also starts with T - Trottel, it means idiot.

I think it's the cause for a lot of erratic behavior of men.



Case closed [emoji6]

So I second your statement (partly).
Normally I try to not generalize but I fear you are right in regards to a lot of relationships.

LOL Thessa.

True. I should know, since I'm nonbinary, with a strong male side (sigh).
Luckily, when I make a blundering typical male mistake, I forget about it the next minute.

Any start is a start and that is always a good thing.

Do what you've always done and get what you've always gotten.

If not happy with life you change it by doing something different and that you've done so congrats

Your wife hasn't left yet and that's a good thing too. I stress the yet as a lot is going to change for both of you and no matter how good your intentions may be it's early days so nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. Even after I got back from surgery there were no guarantees and that was after being together for 17 years with me being me for 26 months by then.

Personally I was lucky in so far as I didn't have girl and boy modes. As soon as I was Jerrica I just was. Changes to my mind and body were gradual and open as we're my clothing choices. I did keep my old name for a year but I don't feel that affected who I was. To the contrary it gave my wife, kids and everyone the opportunity to really get to know me before giving them my name as the last piece of the puzzle instead of the first. By the time I dropped the T bomb on the world there were no significant changes to come making it pretty noneventful.

Your wife's caution and rules proposal I would hope is intended for the protection of all of you but is not without hope. I would suggest it be viewed as sandboxing giving you both a safe place to play before doing anything real.

We had a similar arrangement of sorts but the bleed effect took care of it. I'd test things in the house for my own comfort and confidence before using them outside. Even my new dress made her uncomfortable yesterday when I arrived home but after a min or 2 she got used to it.

Both still learning and will be for a while yet but we're still together.

Best of luck for things working out well for you.

If it helps get your pirate hat on "not so much rules they're more like guidelines"

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Hi Sarah. I've always thought the scariest part is starting that first "coming out" conversation, so you've already gotten past that! I think it's a good sign your wife seems willing to work with you, though it's unfortunate she's putting "rules" in place to apparently cover things up. As others have said, with time and communication she could come around, and I'd think your daughter would be able to understand it all and accept it as well. I'm sorry I'm not as experienced in relationships or transitioning as others and I wish I could offer more advice, but do stay strong and stick to your guns. Don't let someone else's discomfort force you back in the closet. You've started your journey and you can finish it.

I'm overwhelmed with the support and advice you all offer. Thank you very much - it is really helping.
After posting the above I went and woke my wife. We talked again, in detail, about what was happening and what could/should happen.
She is just trying to protect us as a family - that is clear now, it wasn't before. I understand her fears a little more, and she understands mine. I mean, really, no-one would even attempt to go through this if we had a choice.
We both 'unloaded' what was going on in our brains, we are really strong together and we can work through anything.
We met when we were both 19, this was both of ours first real relationship. Now 28 years on we are still very strong and this morning after our chat and tears we just got closer than we ever have been. I'm rambling and emotional, sorry.
I know we've got a long way to go, but we have promised to talk and be open going forward - warts and all!
Thanks again for all your support. I dont think I will stray far from these forums for a bit :-)

That's awesome!!! I look forward to hearing how things go for you. My girlfriend is also my first real relationship; I hope we have as many years together as you and your wife do.

Quote from: SuperSarah on April 23, 2017, 04:43:14 AM
I'm overwhelmed with the support and advice you all offer. Thank you very much - it is really helping.
After posting the above I went and woke my wife. We talked again, in detail, about what was happening and what could/should happen.
She is just trying to protect us as a family - that is clear now, it wasn't before. I understand her fears a little more, and she understands mine. I mean, really, no-one would even attempt to go through this if we had a choice.
We both 'unloaded' what was going on in our brains, we are really strong together and we can work through anything.
We met when we were both 19, this was both of ours first real relationship. Now 28 years on we are still very strong and this morning after our chat and tears we just got closer than we ever have been. I'm rambling and emotional, sorry.
I know we've got a long way to go, but we have promised to talk and be open going forward - warts and all!
Thanks again for all your support. I dont think I will stray far from these forums for a bit :-)

Hi, Sarah.

It sounds like the two of you have what it takes: you are communicating your fears and hopes.  Yay for you both as a couple!

I am 62 years old.  I came out to my wife less than a year ago.  I started hormones three months ago, and started living full-time as a woman this week.  And my wife is staying with me.

You will make it!  Listen to the good folks here.  There is much wisdom on this forum.

Quote from: SuperSarah on April 23, 2017, 04:43:14 AM
I'm overwhelmed with the support and advice you all offer. Thank you very much - it is really helping.
After posting the above I went and woke my wife. We talked again, in detail, about what was happening and what could/should happen.
She is just trying to protect us as a family - that is clear now, it wasn't before. I understand her fears a little more, and she understands mine. I mean, really, no-one would even attempt to go through this if we had a choice.
We both 'unloaded' what was going on in our brains, we are really strong together and we can work through anything.
We met when we were both 19, this was both of ours first real relationship. Now 28 years on we are still very strong and this morning after our chat and tears we just got closer than we ever have been. I'm rambling and emotional, sorry.
I know we've got a long way to go, but we have promised to talk and be open going forward - warts and all!
Thanks again for all your support. I dont think I will stray far from these forums for a bit :-)

That's Super, Sarah! (Sorry I had to go there. ) Sounds like you have communication and mutual respect. That is key. At the risk of barraging you with feedback here, I will offer a piece of advice. If you do decide to 'express', I would be mindful of the first visuals for your family. I once saw a video of someone who was meeting in-laws as their true self for the first time. They came out 'dressed to the nines.' It was a visual shock. I had 2 1/2 grown sons in my house when I started. I was very subtle and respectful of their feelings. It was a gradual process which is really not over yet. I say this not because you don't have a right to dress as you want, but because we don't live in a vacuum and others  are emotionally affected. Anyway, welcome to the emotional roller coaster that is being trans. A lot of ups and downs, but the pay off can be wonderful. You may have fear as your constant companion for a while. Remember it is the enemy, don't let it beat you. Good luck. I am happy for you, Hon. Did I mention the pay off can be fantastic?
Moni