Hi,

I need some serious help with even the idea of dating, as well as dating iitself.

See, I've never had sex, never dated, kissed, held hands, nothing. In my head I can see myself going up to someone but even then I can only think of how timid I am. The whole "man up" thing (I'm ftm) does not help. At all. Obviously. I have no idea where to start. I don't know how to approach a girl I want to talk to so I end up doing nothing and regretting it (for a short time considering I always used to shying away) but I really do want to start dating. I have moderate confidence, I think I'm pretty cool if I do say so myself, but being social is alien to me.

Help?

I would say the easiest way to do so is starting online dating. At least for myself I found out its easier this way to start flirting, while I would never be able to do so in real life ^^ Im also not really socialised so I know your situation.

How old are you?

Be very careful with online anything. If you do use online dating sites, chose one that is trans-friendly and be open and honest about what you are looking for and expect to provide in return. What I mean is, start out with just hanging out together, then if something progresses, go from there with honesty and respect.

I grew up in the pre-internet days and for my generation, meeting at work was the single most common place to ask someone out. The second most common way to meet someone is school classmates. Do not forget activity clubs such as organized sports or other interests.

Above all be open, honest and friendly.

Well, it would be useful to know your age! If you're old enough I would definitely give a try to online dating. First, (if you want to, and I personally believe would be a good idea) you could say you're trans in your profile. That would probably diminish the amount of people who contact/reply to you, but those who do would already be aware of your transition and would most probably be okay with it. In short, that would help you avoiding awkward situations where you meet a girl, you flirt, you like each other and stuff but then as soon as you tell her about you being trans she leaves or you find out she's not okay with it. So definitely give a try to online dating if you're 18+ and be very careful. Choose wisely who you meet and always make sure you meet them in public (you never know who hides behind a screen until you meet them in person). I would suggest Tinder and OkCupid. On OkCupid when choosing your gender you have a lot of options, including trans-man. Another way if you're 18+ could be parties but you know, you would have to find a girl, talk to her, and spend a lot of time. In the same amount of time you could talk to 10 girls online who are already aware of your gender identity, so personally I find online dating easier and more efficient. If you're younger then you could join some clubs, maybe go to trans meetings in your area/city, talk to girls you like in school or friends of friends.
Dating can be a pain, but take it as a game. Try to be confident and be yourself. If you like a girl go and tell her. Yes, you might get rejected: so what? I know it's a little awkward and disappointing at first, but you'll get used to it!

Shyness is a common issue among trans people.  We do not have the in-born dating/mating skills that others of our birth-assigned gender have, but we have never had the opportunity to learn the skills of our inherent gender.  In my earlier life, I had the same problem.  One of the issues that shy people face is that their inexperience makes them appear desperate, which is a real turn-off for potential dating partners. 

In my forties, still single and not dating, I developed a strategy.  Instead of aiming for "dating", I resolved to get involved in group activities that meant something of value to me.  The two that I chose were vegetarian food and hiking in the mountains.  I joined a vegetarian club and started going to their dine-out nights, and I joined a hiking club.  Obviously, you would want to pick activities that are significant to your own values.

The nice thing about this strategy was that it freed me from the pressures of dating while putting me in contact with lots of new people who shared the same values and interests as me.  The strategy paid off spectacularly.  I met my wife on top of a mountain on one of those hiking trips.  By the time we got around to dating, we already knew each other from casual conversations on the trail and car-pooling to club meetings and trailheads. 

Because the core of our relationship was our shared values, when the going got tough and I came out as trans, she was right there for me.

Aah, right, I'm 25. I'm just afraid that women online will think I'm just telling them what they want to hear when I say I'm honest and shy and such. And yeah I know to be careful with online dating (thank you four caring  )

Ps: any sites anyone found best for trans dating?

Go out and meet people, preferably doing activities you share interest in. For example, I got talking to several girls right away on an airsoft paintball team at university. And others at a potholing club in a different one. Much easier to make friends and talk with people when you are sharing a specific experience with them. Even if you don't end up dating you will make friends and have a good time.

I have not dated since coming out as trans.  However, I dated a reasonable amount leading up to where I am now.  Meeting people online is the easiest way to find someone who has a common interest or pin pointing preferences.  The other (older) method of meeting people at work is effective, but you will probably date people who are pretty far of the mark from being your type.  I don't recommend it.

Another method is, if there's anyone you've had a crush on for years, please tell them.  It may not lead to anything, but if it does it can be a VERY inspired romance which is high quality.  I don't recommend dating just anyone for the sake of dating.  Being single isn't that bad, and I suspect I will remain single by choice going forward.  Good luck out there

Hi and welcome to the site. Sorry this welcome is so late in coming to you.

I have been married for as long as you have been alive. So sadly, I can't give you any  current advice. I just wish you good luck and be safe.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

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Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna