I forgot to take my SSRI last week for 3 or 4 days ( I take the SSRI and IM E, no other meds) I did not realize how much it helps me. I also take some crap at home about being trans from my soon to  be x and my daughter. Wednesday night was a really bad night. To boot, thoughts from my early childhood when I had a genital operation crept in. It took 3 days back on meds to get back on track. I was going to ask my doctor if I could go off the med but now I know there is no way I can.

I go to Dr. McGinns  office Friday for a check up. I think the pic I sent them caused some concern. I think 98% of the necrotic outer skin from the graph is gone. The white streak of "healing" that did not concern them has doubled in size. I do dry packing and when I changed the packing there was blood. The good tissue next to the white tissue bleeds some times. Mostly just 5 or 6 drops.

I had lunch with a friend today. We talk about some pretty personal stuff. I was explaining the difficulty having an orgasm and how it is my homework. She said, why don't you just have sex. My response was I did not think of that, good idea. I was thinking, who the hell would have sex with me.  I do not feel attractive in any way and have thoughts I will never be with someone again.

I do 30 flights of steps this morning at 5 am. I had to stop all exercise form the hair graphs but now can add some exercise but nothing too strenuous.

Wow - good catch on the meds.  Stopping them scares the crap out of me.  I know what happened the last time I stopped.  Yucky.

Good luck on Friday.  I hope all is good with everything.

Give yourself more credit - you look good.

Q: What was the name of the cream you used to dull the electrolysis/laser on your face?

I use super numb. It is 5% lidocaine. I keep working the cream into the skin. I also take 600mg of Motrin.

Thanks for the compliment about the looks. I hope the hair transplants will have a positive effect . I just have a lot of insecurities and apprehension with my looks.

Denise: When I have electrolysis near my mouth I use Emla Cream, which is prilocaine and lidocaine.  If she's working on other parts of my face I just take Paracetamol or Ibuprofen.

Rachel: I've been following you since way back - congratulations on being so open about your struggles.

I never thought of having hair grafts.  I had lost so much hair to male pattern baldness that I didn't think it was worth trying.  I wear a wig every day.

Hi Mary, thank you for the support.

I had 3500 graphs done and it covers everything but the crown which is not that bad. I will go back next year and get more graphs and be done with it.

Everyone at works knows I am trans. I think work is 90% female with 14,000 employees. I know many woman wear wigs at work but I wanted to get graphs. I have a wig and will wear it if I have a work semi-formal event but I really do not like to wear the wig because people know me as they see me everyday. There were people at an event that did not recognize me. These are people that knew me for 20 or 30 years.

Quote from: Rachel Lynn on April 04, 2017, 04:45:38 PM
Hi Mary, thank you for the support.

I had 3500 graphs done and it covers everything but the crown which is not that bad. I will go back next year and get more graphs and be done with it.

Everyone at works knows I am trans. I think work is 90% female with 14,000 employees. I know many woman wear wigs at work but I wanted to get graphs. I have a wig and will wear it if I have a work semi-formal event but I really do not like to wear the wig because people know me as they see me everyday. There were people at an event that did not recognize me. These are people that knew me for 20 or 30 years.

This is gonna be random but i think you are rather cool Rachel ^^

Thank you SailorMars1994, that was very nice of you to say.


I went to Papillion and saw Heather ( she is very nice). She examined me and the white patch is scar tissue. I guess when the necrotic tissue came off the scar tissue was exposed. I have two spots of scar tissue. One where I can see at the bottom lower front of the vagina and the other on the right side in a bit. I can feel it when I clean my vagina in the shower.  I was prescribed a hydrocortisone cream. I see them May 15 for labiaplasty and if it is not better then they will prescribe estrogen cream. She said everything looks great otherwise. On May 15th they will schedule my BA.

I no longer need to dry pack

The odor is from lube in the back of my vagina that I can not clean out daily in the shower. She had me purchase a reusable 1.5 quart douche bag. I was instructed to use it twice a week in the shower with 2 squirts of hand soap in the bag and stop using it when the odor goes away. She also said I may want to use it once a week or two going forward.

She measured my vaginal depth and it is 5.5 inches. Last time there it was a little less than 5 inches.

She said everything looks great and I just need to use the #1 dilator for 5 minutes and #4 for 25 minutes 3 times a day and on May 15th my dilations will be reduced.  

I douched again this morning in the shower and after dilating. I had discharge and odor today at work. Not as bad as the past but still there. I just switched lube back to surgilube to see if that makes a difference.

I dilated the second time today at 4 PM and #4 dilator was very painful with a little blood when done.

ugg

I have been using the prescription hydrocortisone cream to reduce the scarring in my vaginal canal. The cream will also cause the scars to stretch a bit. Dilations, 5 minutes #1 and 25 minutes #4 have become much less painful.

Odor, I switched back to Surgilube and the odor is gone.

My PCP at Mazzoni (LGBT medical practice) is on a leave of absence. He is accused of 16 years of sexual misconduct with addicted patients and quid per quo with addicted patients. My practitioner, a PA-c, is awesome and there is another MD in the practice and 7 other practitioners. I will not have the accused doctor on my insurance card as my PCP.

I spoke to several past workers at the medical offices and what he was doing was well known and reported many times. I suspect when the investigation is over there will be a lot of changes.

Group, it was packed with no more room for more people.

So far my hair graphs have not shed. It has been 24 days with no shedding. The time period I was told shedding can occur is day 21 to da 42. If there is no shedding then I will have a 3 to 6 month head start in hair growth. I am very happy so far

I shed about 1/3 of my hair graphs. So it will take those that shed about 3 months to end their resting phase.

I had my hair graph stiches removed today at Mazzoni. I switched my PCP to the new medical director and will still go to Dusty for my trans care .

I worked the pride table for an hour at work ( Lunch) at the research poster day event. We got a full page of people wanting to join the Pride mailing list. There were several woman that told me they were married to a trans partner.

It is spring and I love wearing spring tops at work. It feels good and I love the floral prints. I always admired them and now I wear them.

Last nights group was really depressing. Several people were saying how their families are giving them a lot of grief and can not transition while living in their house. Then a friend said she has dates from web sites and one from a gym but they all want to just have sex. A bunch of people joined in and said they have plenty of guys that want them for sex but not for a relationship. The relationship issue really hit me. It hit hard and it was something I thought about for years and now someone expressed how much it hurt.

I answered my cell phone from a person just starting transition. My wife made fun of my voice.  After the call I came back into the family room and she said I sound like a guy trying to sound like a woman, that I was a joke and cartoonish and that she is embarrassed for me. She repeated it 3 more times. I just said thank you for your feedback after the third time.

My therapist asked me how I keep my composure when she says things like this or when there is physical abuse. I said I deflect it in my mind. It still hurts because some of it gets around the edges of my defenses then I just think it is temporary. I think that every day we change and just keep thinking things are static then one day you see that things have changed. I keep thinking things will change.

I told my therapist about one time I was in Mexico and got sick for a day and a half from the food. After a while I became very hungry and saw a McDonalds. I went there because I knew the food would be safe. It tasted like the best food I ever had. Not because it was good but because I knew I would not get sick. I said my life is like that and that is how I cope.

I have been trying to get off my SSRI. Last week I went 2 days and so far I have not taken it Saturday and Sunday. I have a headache but I do not have any suicidal ideation, which is why I went on them. I hope I can go the week and be free of them.

Dilation has become easy with no pain. I use the Soul Source #1 for 5 minutes and #4 for 25 minutes.

So my QDRO for my pension was pre-approved with noted changes. I am still waiting for the 403B comments from the actuaries. This is the longest divorce

I asked 3 times for my wife to go to the credit union and remove her name from my account. The excuse was I have no time. I will ask they send papers and I will have her fill it out and I will submit it to the bank. Then I will be able to change the name on my account. If this does not happen soon I will get an account from my work credit union and switch the funds to there. 

I asked her to get a car loan so we can change the title on her car. She said whey don't we just change the name on the title. I said then I would be liable for the loan and the car would be hers.

I have a pink purple top and brown shorts on today. She said that is bright, I need sunglasses. I said I do not comment on your cloths and she said I do not dress as a freak. I said thank you hun and walked away.

I was thinking for the past couple of days. I feel really good expressing and just being myself. I am really finding my style and enjoying being me. This is so much different than just a few years ago when I just wanted to die. I still have my moments but not like the past.

I pretty much realize that I most likely will be alone the rest of my life. I will just enjoy the things I want to do and find joy in doing the things I like to do. I will try meet-ups for things like hiking and perhaps kayaking. I like museums and there are a bunch in Philly so I need to make a list and go to all of them. 

Perhaps I will try to go to all the cheese steak/hoagie shops in Philly and rate them. Same thing with ice cream and pretzels. Maybe I will eat at each restaurant in the gayborhood and take notes. This could be fun

I know I want to go to gay bingo in the neighborhood which I have heard is a hoot. 

QuoteI was thinking for the past couple of days. I feel really good expressing and just being myself. I am really finding my style and enjoying being me. This is so much different than just a few years ago when I just wanted to die. I still have my moments but not like the past.

I've been following this thread since I first found Susan's Place, long before I joined it, and well before I crashed and had to come out. 

Rachel, your progress and experience has just been amazing.  Those few sentences really sum this up.  You've found yourself, accepted yourself, and embraced yourself. 

Life may still throw you some surprises, but I bet there will be pleasant surprises in your future.

Congratulations!
Michelle

Thank you Michelle for your kind words and support.

Ok, I have an issue. I have to go to Miami next Monday - Wednesday. I will arrive in Miami at about 8 AM and have Monday free. Tuesday is booked till 5:30 and I can go to dinner with a large group. Usually there is a lot of drinking and I usually walk back to the hotel unless it is a long distance away. I may skip the Tuesday dinner. I have a skype call with Dr. Spiegel Wednesday at 11 then leave for the airport at about 1. So Wednesday is shot.

Check-in at the hotel is 4 PM. I would like to go to the beach Monday. I need to wear a hat due to my hair graphs . I need to buy a bathing suit, 1 piece. This will be the first time on the beach as me. I am apprehensive and scared. I have a little stomach fat and some love handles. I have a size 10 bathing suit but it is a little tight. I may need to buy a size 12  

It would be so easy to wear female shorts and a T and call it a day but not being true to who I am. I do not know what to do. I feel fat and not attractive. I am thin for a guy but at the 50th percentile for woman my age.

I love sitting on a beach under an umbrella reading a book. One of my all time best things to do. UGG I feel so out of place now.

Rachel,
   You are way away from home and not near people who know you. Could you not consider this a freebee, a trial run with no consequences to the rest of your life? It might be easier to get a robe to start out with and shed it when you are at a comfortable  spot. Women do that a lot. Whatever the method, it sounds like a great way to get your new beach life rolling.
Moni

Hi Monica, thank you for the support. Yes, it will be a long way from home and I will never see the people again. I guess it will be a good a place as any to go the beach.

My bathing suite from Long Tall Sally is set to arrive May 4th, the day after I get back from Miami. I can wear work out gear. I have a pair of short spandex pants and a T to the beach or buy a bathing suite when there.

I have a skype call with Dr. Spiegel on Wednesday and am looking forward to that

I am still trying to get CPT codes for my hair transplants so I can get reimbursed.

I was so much wanting to have my face, hair and breasts done and ready for this summer so I could better fit in. Even my GCS is a 2 step and the second step is May 15th. I guess next summer . Perhaps I was hoping the surgeries would make me happy with myself or how I see myself. I guess that only comes from within. When the dust settles I need to be happy with myself. 

I am 6 days off my SSRI. I definitely can feel now. I have cried a few times. Things from my past tend to seep in. I have learned a lot of techniques and have dealt with a lot of previous issues such as sexual and physical abuse when I was young. I think I really understand what happened and all those involved have died. My therapist said something that made a lot of sense. Perhaps the person who did the sexual abuse had that happen to them. It as the last hanging item. When I went off my SSRI it did not seep back. What got to me was me and how I feel about myself. What almost sent me over the ledge was how my soon to be ex-wife rejected me. How my daughter wants to leave me in her past and not look back. I will get through this.

Feeling has its plusses and minuses. I need to work on the minuses. I guess that is how I feel about myself and how I can make new relationships.

Part of the reason I went off the SSRI was I was falling asleep at work and while driving. It was getting hard to wake up in the morning and I could not fully feel. Part of me wanted to see if things got overwhelming and I chose to end it all. Part of me wanted to see if I still needed it and yet another part wanted to see If I could do better now without it.

My therapist asked me a while back why I thought I never died when I tried to commit suicide. I had no answer. I pondered this for a long while. The only answer is what I said to myself when I came around the curve on I676 after my second suicide attempt December 2012. I do not want to die I want to be myself.

I just want to be me, simple. I promised myself this when I was 8. I worry about others. How they see me. I need to worry about how I see myself and how I feel. I want to live and feel good about myself.

Rachel,
   I think trans folks worry so much about aligning our bodies. It is hard not to be obsessed with getting the physical things that have been wrong for so long fixed. Of course, the emotional, mental aspects must also be addressed. In a way maybe the physical is easier. The mental things involve facing our darkest places. I hope you will keep your head and be patient as the emotions start to flow. We already know you are a fighter. I wouldn't bet against you. You have done so much to start making a new life for yourself. I guess I want you to remember that everything you are doing will come together, it is gonna be okay.
Moni

Thank you Monica for your support.

I am now 12 days off my SSRI and things are leveled out. I definitely feel, which is a good thing. I have addressed many issues since going on the ssri. I definitely have made progress. I find myself more emotional; couple that with injecting last night and I cry much easier.

10 days from today I have labiaplasty and schedule my BA . My pending BA has conjured up feelings much like I had before FFS. Once I have the BA others will obviously see me with breasts. I wonder what they will think of me. Then I think they will think I am trans like they do now. Every step so far has felt wonderful after I healed and settled in so I am sure this will be no different, I hope.

Both my 403B and Pension returned the domestic relations orders to Pension appraisers. I called them and left a message. Once the changes are made I will submit it to the court and get on their docked for divorce. The official end of my marriage draws close . I will lose my friend, most likely forever. I need to make a new friend. I have no idea how to go about finding a close friend. This time around I am out and living my true self identity. What guy will want to be with me? Where will I find him and how do I go about finding him? I am 54 at the 50th percentile for weigh for woman my age and trans.

There is no moss under this stone.

Rachel I'm sure as the sun rise every morning "YOU WILL FIND SOME ONE" you need to get some old sugar daddy to spoil you rotten, size or shape is no always important it's what's in side that counts.

Coldheart, thank you for your support. Sugar daddy, that's funny. You are right, I need to get out and find someone.

I forgot, I spoke to Dr. Spiegel Wednesday about a graft revision on my face. I also discussed VFS with him and will be receiving a quote. I am seeing a voice pathologist and trying to learn intonation while projecting my voice and keeping pitch up. I am normally at 190 hertz and need to be at 220 on the low end. It is a lot to keep in mind while speaking.

My labiaplasty is on 5/15. I had a homework assignment the last time I was at Papillion about 4 weeks ago. I was to have an orgasm. Sounds easy but it is not, for me.

I have found that after I inject for about 6 of the 10 days I am more frequently aroused. I purchased 3 toys. One is smooth and small, one is smooth and anatomical with a rabbit, one is anatomical with circular ridges.

I used the latter one last night. No success but felt wonderful. I am learning to associate the action with pleasure. What I learned is the circular ridges really cleans out the vagina. I can not get over how much that coupled with water douching really cleans out the vagina. I feel clean and there is no odor whatsoever, almost, just a very very slight odor. I also have the desire to use it again.

I wanted to share this because the length, width, shape and contour is very important as well as just using it.