This is just something I've felt a lot during my life and of course in transition, but I feel like I'm rooted to the spot in-between who I was and who I want to be. Victoria still lingers and Nathan is apprehensive.

I want to be able to fast forward until I get at the desired pace. I guess naively I assumed it wouldn't take so long to transition. From the videos of trans guys i used to watch it felt like they'd managed to fly by without any problems.

I just want to be me and not the shadow of a woman.


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Hi again . What I painfully learned while on T was those trans guys you see on social media aren't as they appear. They don't show the doubts or struggles they still have. And it's very unlikely you'll look 100% male and grow facial hair by 6 months on T.

Only just recently have I not been able to see my female self in the mirror. Or felt like I was masquerading as something I wasn't  (a new job were I'm stealth has helped a lot but took a lot of time getting used too)

Sounds maybe a tad patronising but once on T and you get past that 6 month hump were you feel and look inbetween and still feel incredibly awkward it becomes easier.

It's best to have other things to focus on during this time. Especially new interests or hobbies and such that require some sort of building up or training, to keep you from constantly going back to the issue of transition and how slowly it progresses. If you have nothing else going on, it can become frustrating. If you have many things going on, it will feel more like several things moving forward at once.

I'm going the other way, so I don't know how much this applies, but: I've found that the emotional transition is taking a lot longer than I expected -- over a year so far and I'm still in the "kitten caught in a dryer" stage.  And from what I hear, I can expect that I will occasionally look in the mirror and see my old self pretty much for the rest of my life.

It's not just what we see in the mirror, either.  We're kind of like immigrants, and like immigrants, no matter how long we've lived in our new country/gender, where we came from will be a part of us forever.  At some point we have to make peace with that.

The advice to find other things to think about is good.  I mean, sooner or later the transition will as far as it can go and  you'll just be living your like like any cis man.  What will you do with yourself when you no longer have transition to get obsessed with?

Quote from: Asche on April 26, 2017, 09:30:10 AM
It's not just what we see in the mirror, either.  We're kind of like immigrants, and like immigrants, no matter how long we've lived in our new country/gender, where we came from will be a part of us forever.  At some point we have to make peace with that.

This is a real truth that needs to be faced by all of us. We can't be Cis. Most all of us didn't get to experience they're childhood properly gendered. It's really, really hard to unscrew all that. Once we own that, I think we have a better chance of moving through it.

I know the awkard feeling in the reserve direction. Things like getting up in the morning and shaving the little beard that managed to somehow grow in the overnight hours is a big morning downer. And at times that, as well as other small things have put that doubt or that ''you were suppose to be the other thing for another reason'' in my head. The good news? I have shedded that doubt a lot latley !! You can do it!!!

Quote from: Asche on April 26, 2017, 09:30:10 AMThe advice to find other things to think about is good.  I mean, sooner or later the transition will as far as it can go and  you'll just be living your like like any cis man.  What will you do with yourself when you no longer have transition to get obsessed with?

This is something that has been on my mind a great deal lately. My immediate goals with returning to HRT earlier this year was first and foremost an orchi and second HRT. The HRT started a few months ago and the orchi should be mid summer but I have had such tunnel vision and so obsessed with achieving those two goals there has been little time for thinking beyond mid summer. With the life long obsession of FINALLY getting to at least that point it will be pretty strange to suddenly have the tunnel vision gone. The only answer I have been able to come up with is I'll just have to sit back and see what further changes come about with another year or more with the HRT. Will I be satisfied with just those changes? Will it make further changes more important? I don't know beyond no tunnel vision is gonna be strange. What will I obsess over? Interesting times coming for sure.

I was beating myself up that I had so much energy invested in this process and felt it was an issue with my narcissism. I've gotten past that now and realize now that this isn't something you can do without the tunnel vision of investing your entire heart and soul. If you try and use your brain, you'll be caught up in total doubt and self derision. I kind of came to the knowledge that this has to pursued in a pell-mell sort of fashion. If you interject logic into the scene, you will be beaten down. This thing is a passion journey...not a logic one. Without that kind of investment, you land on a sort of merry go round.
     I'm a little concerned that when I'm through, the anti-climax will leave me a bit lost, but I also know I have to leave a scorched earth policy regarding "him" and this is the best I can do. Once I'm at my preordained arrival point, I will deal with what's to come for my future. I simply can't invest in it right now without totally derailing my agenda.

Quote from: Elis on April 26, 2017, 03:21:54 AM
Hi again . What I painfully learned while on T was those trans guys you see on social media aren't as they appear. They don't show the doubts or struggles they still have. And it's very unlikely you'll look 100% male and grow facial hair by 6 months on T.

Only just recently have I not been able to see my female self in the mirror. Or felt like I was masquerading as something I wasn't  (a new job were I'm stealth has helped a lot but took a lot of time getting used too)

Sounds maybe a tad patronising but once on T and you get past that 6 month hump were you feel and look inbetween and still feel incredibly awkward it becomes easier.

That's true tbh
I guess it feels like the slowest thing on earth bc nothing else is really happening in my life rn

Don't worry it didn't sound patronising

Sometimes I still see my female self and it's depressing as hell


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I started to feel very much the same as you do now around the six month mark. Early on, I was solidly convinced I'd have a semi-decent amount of facial hair by that time (dumbdumbdumbdumb) and a few other changes. No one was reading me as female but -I- still was. The awful water retention/moon face stage was in full swing, the muscle mass was just starting to pack on and I just felt like a soft, hippy in-between blob of nothing.
I vividly remember looking at other trans guy's faces in particular and wondering when the **** my turn was going to be. It wasn't until I quit focusing so hard on everything and just living my life that time stopped crawling. At 1 1/2 years in, there are still a huge amount of changes yet to come, but there's finally a peace in my life.

It's slow, dude. It's so slow. And it's slower when you're examining yourself through a microscope. This 'in-between' period blows, but in the grand scheme of things, it's such an infinitesimal part of your life that it will seem like nothing soon enough.
Now's the time to buckle down.

Quote from: Stone Magnum on April 26, 2017, 02:05:44 PM
I started to feel very much the same as you do now around the six month mark. Early on, I was solidly convinced I'd have a semi-decent amount of facial hair by that time (dumbdumbdumbdumb) and a few other changes. No one was reading me as female but -I- still was. The awful water retention/moon face stage was in full swing, the muscle mass was just starting to pack on and I just felt like a soft, hippy in-between blob of nothing.
I vividly remember looking at other trans guy's faces in particular and wondering when the **** my turn was going to be. It wasn't until I quit focusing so hard on everything and just living my life that time stopped crawling. At 1 1/2 years in, there are still a huge amount of changes yet to come, but there's finally a peace in my life.

It's slow, dude. It's so slow. And it's slower when you're examining yourself through a microscope. This 'in-between' period blows, but in the grand scheme of things, it's such an infinitesimal part of your life that it will seem like nothing soon enough.
Now's the time to buckle down.

I'm not on testosterone yet but I understand and am a little sad because the wait for my gender clinic is long enough and yeah, I guess I expected too much too soon.
I want to get out of this female flesh prison.


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Quote from: Kylo on April 26, 2017, 07:01:32 AM
It's best to have other things to focus on during this time. Especially new interests or hobbies and such that require some sort of building up or training, to keep you from constantly going back to the issue of transition and how slowly it progresses. If you have nothing else going on, it can become frustrating. If you have many things going on, it will feel more like several things moving forward at once.

Thanks Kylo!
Yeah I guess that makes sense - right now I have nothing going on despite an event every Friday.
It's hard to get out when you're a recluse....


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