Well my boyfriend and I had a chat right and he told me he wants me all to himself he is selfish in that regards was his words. He doesn't want me to mourn over my ex or cry when I see her or have any feelings for her whatsoever. I can respect this but how do you expect someone to feel nothing for someone. Is this even possible?

I think she went to hug her boyfriend out of spitefulness to hurt me. To show me she is now his. Well it worked. I just said in the car home and this upset my boyfriend, as long as she is happy because I could not be a real man too her. He took this as I want to be with her or have feelings for her. Well there is something but it is not that I want to be with her romantically. I don't know what he expects I must feel.

There is a reason this woman is my ex and one of them so I could sit here as Amore. She is my ex so that I could have a life as a woman and not be depressed the whole time because I had a massive need to be one. She is my ex because she can't be with me because I convinced her I am female and she only saw female in me. When I left I was still a man. This didn't matter to her as I was a woman in her eyes. She left because she got fed up of me. There is all this reasons why she is my ex and I am divorced. I understand that and I know why I am where I am. This doesn't mean I can't have any feeling for her can it. How can I make him understand that all this mean I don't want to go back to her. He is very insecure about this it seems.

I'm going to share something with you that you may not want to hear. Actually, I'm going to give you some friendly advice. If I were you?, I'd stop treating my boyfriend like my bestie. If you keep that up girl....he's not going to be around very long. He's a guy. He doesn't want to hear this stuff. He wants to know you need, desire and love him. I see what you've said as truly testing for him.  All these things your dropping in his lap? I predict that if you don't stop, it's not going to work out for you. Just some friendly advice. Take it or leave it.

Quote from: jentay1367 on April 29, 2017, 10:40:41 AM
I'm going to share something with you that you may not want to hear. Actually, I'm going to give you some friendly advice. If I were you?, I'd stop treating my boyfriend like my bestie. If you keep that up girl....he's not going to be around very long. He's a guy. He doesn't want to hear this stuff. He wants to know you need, desire and love him. I see what you've said as truly testing for him.  All these things your dropping in his lap? I predict that if you don't stop, it's not going to work out for you. Just some friendly advice. Take it or leave it.

Yeah it was a in the spur of the moment thing. I was a bit emotional and it just popped out. I will have to start keeping it in. So thank you for the advice I will take it

Quote from: Amoré on April 29, 2017, 10:43:24 AM
Yeah it was a in the spur of the moment thing. I was a bit emotional and it just popped out. I will have to start keeping it in. So thank you for the advice I will take it

  You do not have to keep it in. Just keep from unloading on your boyfriend. Do come here to unload and decompress where you are among friends that can understand and help. That's what we do here, remember?

Hugs,
  Laurie

The problem is keeping these emotions in check. From that I am on E anything can set me off to cry. It is very hard in situations like that to control my emotions. So what positive steps can I take to deal with a situation like that where I actually have a flood of emotions but have to act normal and as if nothing is wrong around him so he doesn't notice anything

I think you can and should have feelings for your ex. We are only human after all and she is the mother of your child. But, simply thinking of her in terms of your loss of her is sort of inaccurate to, what you gained as you pointed out is pretty profound and great. You could not have had that gain with her.

Just remind yourself that she may have great attributes but she has a lot of challenging personality issues to and now those are his to deal with None of us can escape all our problems by changing partners and she will have to deal with them in that relationship too, just in a different way.

I know its hard to control emotions and to a degree you should confide in your man, but i also agree that a lot of your energy should go to demonstrating that you are "his" and that is what you want most in the world, not the old relationship. Sadness and crying will happen but then you should throw that much energy back into him and loving him.

Quote from: Amoré on April 29, 2017, 01:59:59 PM
The problem is keeping these emotions in check. From that I am on E anything can set me off to cry. It is very hard in situations like that to control my emotions. So what positive steps can I take to deal with a situation like that where I actually have a flood of emotions but have to act normal and as if nothing is wrong around him so he doesn't notice anything

These are conversations for you and your girls. Not your man. You need to compartmentalize just like all women do. The last thing your man wants to think is that he's some port in the storm. Show him you love him. His satisfaction from that will wash over you and it will help you to move on from your DEAD relationship with your wife. Ijust want to see you happy, and not a victim. Empower yourself as other women do by building your relationship with the one that cherishes you. That's him...by the way. Many a woman longs every day to have a man in your life as you do. Don't squander that till you're alone and wondering what happened. Cuz' you know what? If he's gone, nothing else about your life changes. He's just gone. I think you're a sweet fragile woman. I don't want to see that happen. It's within your hands to make it right.

Quote from: jentay1367 on April 29, 2017, 03:24:28 PM
These are conversations for you and your girls. Not your man. You need to compartmentalize just like all women do. The last thing your man wants to think is that he's some port in the storm. Show him you love him. His satisfaction from that will wash over you and it will help you to move on from your DEAD relationship with your wife. Ijust want to see you happy, and not a victim. Empower yourself as other women do by building your relationship with the one that cherishes you. That's him...by the way. Many a woman longs every day to have a man in your life as you do. Don't squander that till you're alone and wondering what happened. Cuz' you know what? If he's gone, nothing else about your life changes. He's just gone. I think you're a sweet fragile woman. I don't want to see that happen. It's within your hands to make it right.

I'm in pretty lock step agreement with this. Our significant others men or women are not often equipped to be therapists on one hand or only friends on the other. When we treat them as the latter we forget that there are whole other aspects to our love for one another, physical love, romance, and the need for confident reassurance in one another that do not exist in friendships alone.

For many years i treated my wife as sort of a therapist and she wasn't, that only made her feel uneasy and frustrated when she could not adequately help me.

The exceptions to this are sort of a fine line, you need to be transparent and honest with your significant other but also realize they are not there to solve everything it is a partnership of equal support. Sometimes you may share a particular issue that you both can go really deep on with one another but that doesn't mean everything can be that way. My boyfriend and i share a life or experience or two where we are so alike in the hurt experienced from it, so that we can totally deal with one on another on, but there is a lot a of stuff that i would not burden him with.

Thank you for the advice. I understand now there should be limits to what you share and what feelings you expose your partner too. It is not about having feelings for my ex anymore it is about not exposing him to that feelings. This is a very difficult task when my brain latches on to something it doesn't want to let go. But I have to learn that self control.

Even in the situation with my child because he believes because I desire to have my child under my roof that I would take my ex back if the opportunity arrive. Although it won't happen for various reasons it is a fear he have.My ex is gone she will never come back. Well I would give a lot to have my child under my roof unfortunately in South Africa the mother gets the child. The father just have to accept the scraps he gets. I think this all would have been much easier if she was under my roof. I would not need therapy to deal with it. I would have been able to continue with life without the thought of if I did not screw up I would not have felt this way I would not miss my child and have to go 6 day's of every week without her.

Even if she comes and visits one day of the week it is not the same. It is like filling a dam with a bucket it never gets full. I always feel empty. It doesn't satisfy the need that I have to be a parent because what parenting can you do in one day.

So I must find a way of not letting this wash over onto him also. I must compartmentalize this pain also because it gives him doubts.

I really do care about him.I do have feelings for him and love him. I want to marry him one day have more children if possible.

As I am writing this I am already sobbing and don't know how to stop the sobbing because my baby girl is going home for another week that I won't see her. To think when I am in pain my ex is in heaven makes me furious. When she has my child I must suffer through almost unbearable hurt.

I don't know how I am going to be strong enough to put the happy face on for my boyfriend when I have a tornado raging in me with pain and sorrow. I will try to put my big girl panties on but I can't help. I am seriously very attached to my child and having her away from me throws my world upside down where I am at the point where I am miserable that even therapy doesn't help.

You then start wishing that none of this ever happened to you that you where never trans that you never would have carried this pain. 

It is really depressing me that I am sitting in this relationship that is one of the best things that could happen to me in my new life but it is plagued by this intense pain and loss of my child.

Is your child old enough to use Skype or something similar at least that way your still be able to tell to her, I know she would not be with you in the flesh but it would be Better that one day a week.

Quote from: coldHeart on April 30, 2017, 06:22:34 AM
Is your child old enough to use Skype or something similar at least that way your still be able to tell to her, I know she would not be with you in the flesh but it would be Better that one day a week.

She normally doesn't want to talk on skype. It sucks for me because I wish she would she makes short phone calls of about 2 mins long. All this pain just to be a woman. Really what did I do to myself.

Another suggestion is to journal all of this hurt or even record videos to your daughter that you may not give her for years or never give her but it could help. Tell her good things, tell her from your heart - getting that out using either of these two ways good help.

That is maybe an idea but what would it mean to her that I felt this way? I am scared that my boyfriend see some of my hurt because what if he reads it.

Like when I have dreams about my ex that upsets me and things. It would normally be how she leaves me or that she ignores me like the other night.

I wish I could have fixed it all so that no one got hurt in the end. That no one is hurting anymore because I don't know how I am going to live with this hurt for the rest of my life. I do feel sometimes that I should have lived an alternate life.

That if I did not make that choice to tell her I am transgender and did not allow myself to break down completely 4 months later I would have been living that life now. I would have been there as a dad for my child and I would have her under my roof. It is a cruel faith what transition and being dysphoric can do to us.

It can cost us everything we cherish and care about. Non of it exists anymore and all is gone just because I could not stay a man when she needed me too.

I wonder if she still dreams about me and think of me. Is this the after effect of spending so much time with someone?

You probably will dream of your ex from time to time at the end of the day she was your partner the mother of your child so don't,t beat your self up over it all the time it not your fault Amore, try keeping a diary so your child could atleast read some point in there life & see the & hurt your going through. been a transgender is a cruel twisted off fate i,m just started this journey it can make us happy it can us sad it can destroy are relationships with love one's but we can not live a lie we have to be are self's, we only get one shoot at life

Quote from: coldHeart on May 01, 2017, 08:43:54 AM
You probably will dream of your ex from time to time at the end of the day she was your partner the mother of your child so don't,t beat your self up over it all the time it not your fault Amore, try keeping a diary so your child could atleast read some point in there life & see the & hurt your going through. been a transgender is a cruel twisted off fate i,m just started this journey it can make us happy it can us sad it can destroy are relationships with love one's but we can not live a lie we have to be are self's, we only get one shoot at life

I think it is a good idea and they would probably have a better perspective of why what happened happened.

It would probably b good for you as well to write it down ether at the end of each day or just a run down of a week that way your child when they are ready to read it will or just to see how much stronger you have become each week, I,m thinking of writing it down so in the long run she might understand because she is sort of OK with me dressing as a female at home alone at the moment I think for the future a part of her must know I want to take it further its all I think off, you might of been stubborn with your ex but it takes two to tango it couldn't of been easy for the pair of you, your a fantastic women a more don't put your self down so much.

You can get a locking journal if you are afraid of anyone snooping. There are also online journaling options.

I will go and get one maybe tomorrow. I just don't want my boyfriend snooping around in it. I am feeling depressed and off tonight anxiety is really bad. My mom actually opened up how she misses my male self and that she is trying to move around reminders of him. It made me feel bad but I have to survive. No matter what the cost and in this case it was also at the expense of what other people wanted.

Well I come to a realization this morning that I sort of feel like I lost my spirit. I was normally the one that would jump on my child's bike do a couple of laps just for the fun.I would climb on the jungle gym with my child. Children would be like I want that to be my parent. I would play games and do fun stuff. Now I feel that nothing is enjoyable anymore. I don't do fun stuff anymore only serious life stuff.If I am not doing that I am sitting and mourning and feel depressed. When the opportunity arrives of having fun I normally pass it by. It feels if the joyful part of me is gone.That playful little girl has lost her spirit