Hey everybody. I've been having a really rough time lately.

So you know how the mind can wander and all of a sudden you're picturing yourself in some sort of narrative? In the past I used to have my mind wander and all of a sudden I could see myself explain something to a friend or to someone in some sort of interview--either way, I'm talking about something personally. And usually I picture myself as a cis-male individual, but not necessarily me. Like, it's supposed to represent me but it isn't necessarily me. Occasionally it'll resemble me but usually it's this tall male individual that is just supposed to represent me. And that's been bothering me lately because it's been making me feel like a fraud, like I'm not really trans and I have made all this personal change all for nothing and it's making me concerned. I've even had times in my head when I was explaining being trans but as soon as I realize I can picture a person, it seems like a male self image. Granted, I haven't had another personal image to put in its place, as I haven't even started transitioning, so I could just be defaulting to that image because it's all I ever knew, whether I ever comfortably identified with it or not. I'm really confused and I'm trying to find a therapist to help but the one I found hasn't responded to my emails yet. Can anyone help me find some insight on my problem, perhaps through personal experience?

  Hi Renée,

   I don't have any insights for you and have no ideas about the scenario you related. I can tell you however that as for your feelings you are not alone. I just finished making a similar post for my self.  They say missery loves company... Shall we throw a party?

  Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 29, 2017, 10:50:21 PM
  Hi Renée,

   I don't have any insights for you and have no ideas about the scenario you related. I can tell you however that as for your feelings you are not alone. I just finished making a similar post for my self.  They say missery loves company... Shall we throw a party?

  Hugs,
  Laurie

I appreciate the comforting sentiment. Thank you.
As for the scenario, I'm not sure what I think about it. I know I have never been comfortable with male pronouns and I have established that I do feel more comfortable calling myself by feminine pronouns and titles, even so much as desire to refer to myself that way. So it makes me uncomfortable when I have that dissonance of a mental image.

Quote from: ImSomething on April 29, 2017, 10:56:43 PM
I appreciate the comforting sentiment. Thank you.
As for the scenario, I'm not sure what I think about it. I know I have never been comfortable with male pronouns and I have established that I do feel more comfortable calling myself by feminine pronouns and titles, even so much as desire to refer to myself that way. So it makes me uncomfortable when I have that dissonance of a mental image.

  In regards to the pronouns I'm the opposite. I'm used to and comfortable with the male one, but then I've been using then for far more years than you have Renee. I am good with being referred to as female and with female pronouns here on Susan's, but find it very strange hearing it IRL (my therapist and a couple others have done it) Perhaps it is like I told others that asked how I want to be referred to, "As long as I am presenting as male then male name and pronouns are more appropriate"  Then again it might be my own issues of not feeling female that I'm dealing with. I don't know. Being referred to as a woman should make me feel good. Instead it feels weird.

  Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 29, 2017, 11:21:29 PM
  In regards to the pronouns I'm the opposite. I'm used to and comfortable with the male one, but then I've been using then for far more years than you have Renee. I am good with being referred to as female and with female pronouns here on Susan's, but find it very strange hearing it IRL (my therapist and a couple others have done it) Perhaps it is like I told others that asked how I want to be referred to, "As long as I am presenting as male then male name and pronouns are more appropriate"  Then again it might be my own issues of not feeling female that I'm dealing with. I don't know. Being referred to as a woman should make me feel good. Instead it feels weird.

  Hugs,
   Laurie

I've felt that before, too. Usually I feel that way when I'm tired and having depression issues or I am feeling like a fraud of a transgirl for whatever reason it may be. It's so weird how the occurrence of dysphoria and having to settle for still being male makes me incredibly confused once it gets past the point of me realizing how I really want to be and how I would really feel comfortable.

For me I'm not sure dysphoria his anything yo do with it and I am not depressed.  The word I used is imposter instead of fraud. Pretty similar  thought though huh?

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Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 29, 2017, 11:38:44 PM
For me I'm not sure dysphoria his anything yo do with it and I am not depressed.  The word I used is imposter instead of fraud. Pretty   thought though huh?

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I definitely see the similarity. And I find comfort in that.

Like I said, missery loves company

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Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 29, 2017, 11:42:03 PM
Like I said, missery loves company

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It seems you were completely right. 

It takes longer for your internal mental image of yourself to change than your body, or so I've heard. This seems like a common problem, of course I'm no expert, haven't even really started yet, just somebody that's spent way too long thinking about this and researching every aspect with my strongest Google fu.

I'd try some mental exercises, I think the new agey term is "mindfulness"

I've been working on things myself, up until about two weeks ago I'd refer to myself in my head with male pronouns instinctively, I've internalized acting male to such a degree that it required an effort to break, now I don't need to think twice, it's always correct, just have to be careful when I talk to people I'm not out to now...

It's certainly a more advanced thing to try to change your self image though, I'd say first you need to learn to quiet all of your internal talking, and then go a bit further to quiet those thoughts that are there but aren't expressed by a voice yet, and once you're blank, imagine up your current self image, and change it to your ideal one, alternatively if it's easier create a narrative depicting the morph, or however you want it to happen, maybe the old image is locked away in the same cell the new one has been contained in for so long, or perhaps they get along great and coexist hand in hand. The details are up to you, this is the type of mental exercises I do to change myself on such a base level though...

Being transgender is not a choice, but transitioning absolutely is. Certain things like this don't match up, we all went through something when we were very young that essentially forced us to transition our self image and internal voices to the wrong gender. Now you just need to undo that, but only you know what that means.

Quote from: Daniellekai on April 30, 2017, 12:42:08 AM
It takes longer for your internal mental image of yourself to change than your body, or so I've heard. This seems like a common problem, of course I'm no expert, haven't even really started yet, just somebody that's spent way too long thinking about this and researching every aspect with my strongest Google fu.

I'd try some mental exercises, I think the new agey term is "mindfulness"

I've been working on things myself, up until about two weeks ago I'd refer to myself in my head with male pronouns instinctively, I've internalized acting male to such a degree that it required an effort to break, now I don't need to think twice, it's always correct, just have to be careful when I talk to people I'm not out to now...

It's certainly a more advanced thing to try to change your self image though, I'd say first you need to learn to quiet all of your internal talking, and then go a bit further to quiet those thoughts that are there but aren't expressed by a voice yet, and once you're blank, imagine up your current self image, and change it to your ideal one, alternatively if it's easier create a narrative depicting the morph, or however you want it to happen, maybe the old image is locked away in the same cell the new one has been contained in for so long, or perhaps they get along great and coexist hand in hand. The details are up to you, this is the type of mental exercises I do to change myself on such a base level though...

Being transgender is not a choice, but transitioning absolutely is. Certain things like this don't match up, we all went through something when we were very young that essentially forced us to transition our self image and internal voices to the wrong gender. Now you just need to undo that, but only you know what that means.

Exactly the kind of advice I was looking for. Thank you so much.

Meditation isn't a magical fix all, but it helps me a lot, especially when I'm trying to change the way I think. Seems to work better when I'm half asleep but still lucid enough to direct it, but I can't induce that state, I just use it whenever I find it, lol.