I'm feeling really down today. I should be really excited - I just booked a flight to go to my best friend's wedding in Europe this summer, and I'm usually over the moon at the idea of travel. Especially considering it has been several years since I've been there. I should also be really excited because this week I got my first prescription for T, but I can't start quite yet. Frustrating.

So, the wedding-related dysphoria has happened with the whole clothes situation. I'm going in a suit. Except I'm in the wedding party and the bride has ideas of what I should be wearing... cue fuschia suit. Uh, no. My other buddy is showing me the latest in hipster lesbian fashions... cool I suppose if that's your scene, but I've never been a lesbian. I'm finding the whole experience of getting input from well meaning people is triggering my body image issues that have been in the background for the last little while. I've been so busy I haven't had time to focus on it, but this is bringing things front and centre. Plus I've gone on my own to try on suits this week and nothing fits quite right. I don't have the body I want and there's no way around that right now.

As for T, I'm excited because it's finally going to happen. But I'm waiting for medical results for something else next week, in case that affects things. I'm also still in my probation period for another couple of months, though I'm gone the last 3 weeks of that time to go traveling. I'm also trying to figure out insurance coverage because the gel is expensive. And I don't want to rock the boat at work in probation period, because I'm in a specialised field and jobs are tough to come by. But I'm turning 40 in June and I'd really like to start T before my birthday. And then there's figure out when to come out to everyone - right now just to immediate family and one friend, but this will change at some point this summer.

I'm also feeling really lonely and I swear I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. I realized today that it's been five years since things ended with my ex-fiance, and although I've been on a few dates since then, I've been on my own. I'm a bit of a loner by nature, but I feel so isolated and it's been a long time since anything more. And I don't think I look anywhere near male enough for other men to want me as a man, and I hate that.

So yeah. Something small today triggered all this and I feel like I'm in a messy brain soup. Because I'm not out to anyone who I know where I live, I just needed to let this stuff out. Sorry for the ramble.

Well if they are LGBT then there will not be a problem with what you wear. They will pretty much accept anything you wear. Women can get away with wearing pretty much anything most of the time. I dress like a man all the  time and no one bats a eye over it.  Carrying a cane and looking like I would use it on the first person that said something might have something to do with it but lol no seriously be yourself. Nothing is more painful then dressing to please someone else.

Quote from: DemonRaven on April 29, 2017, 09:14:17 PM
Well if they are LGBT then there will not be a problem with what you wear. They will pretty much accept anything you wear. Women can get away with wearing pretty much anything most of the time. I dress like a man all the  time and no one bats a eye over it.  Carrying a cane and looking like I would use it on the first person that said something might have something to do with it but lol no seriously be yourself. Nothing is more painful then dressing to please someone else.

Well, my friend isn't LGBTQ, although she's supportive and her friends are. I don't know the groom's friends. I'm more concerned about some of the older relatives, and the groom's family, who are quite conservative. And it is a church wedding. But I do know I won't be the only LGBTQ person there.

But I'm finding the process of clothes shopping for this event, and the gendered ideas around traditional weddings difficult to process.

There is not a lot of difference between a woman's pants suit and a man's.  Perhaps that would be a solution for you.

Man... I get it. Shopping for men's dress clothes is -stressful-. It's god awful pre-T. Everything is cut so slim for men's tiny hips and thin thighs--two things most AFAB's don't have--so you have to go up to a ridiculous size to squeeze in and by then it just looks absurd.
That's definitely dysphoria-inducing.

My suggestion, as not awesome sounding as it may be, is to don a very plain pair of women's formal dress pants. It's going to suck, I know, but at least they'll be more likely to fit you since you'll either still be pre-T or very early into HRT at that point. Well-fitting men's blazers are much easier to come by and can distract all the attention away from the pants. My suggestion would be not to get a 'female' blazer as that will most definitely be obvious.
I had to do this same thing for formal events. Just try to keep reminding yourself that you likely won't be in the same situation a year or two from now and you'll weather this storm.

The funny thing is that I'm quite slight, and I wear men's trousers much better than women's. And my binder does a great job with the chest, perfectly flat. My issue is... shoulders, I guess. And sleeves. Finding a slim cut that does the torso but I don't swim in. I've been wearing men's clothes for the last year. But because blazers are such a particular thing, it's making me very frustrated. If only I could do chin ups for the next six weeks.

Ah, my apologies. I immediately jumped to a 'hips' issue. They were the bane of my existence.
Would it be possible to get away with wearing a tailored vest instead of a blazer? Then you wouldn't have to worry about the shoulders or sleeve length.

No worries! I don't think I can just do a vest, but will need to do the jacket at the ceremony at least. The sleeve length is fine, just right now my shoulders are too small compared to my chest/torso. So I'm trying to get something that fits in shoulders, and hopefully not have to button up. The cut of the suit makes a lot of difference too. Trouble is that there's not a lot of options where I live, so I may need to get to a bigger city to try stuff on, or take my chances ordering online. If there was more time, I would sew something myself, but I'm not sure I can pull it off, given everything else I need to do these days.

I find the biggest pain being that some weddings are themed and they already have ideas... sometimes those ideas are god-awful. A relative of mine demanded all the guys wear kilts with grey jackets on her wedding which was interesting, and by no means the weirdest ideas for wedding attire I've heard of. I prefer funerals. . .

At my age most everyone I know is starting to marry or have kids. Although I'm never going to be happy in that situation, I get it. Time makes a difference. On the plus side, with time and with T you could indeed end up looking much closer to how you want, and guys don't tend to be looked upon as less attractive as they age. Better, in many cases.

She's sort of got a tropical theme going on for her destination wedding, so really bright colours for most... well, the women are in brights, and the men are in a more muted blue. I'm out to my friend, and yet she's recommending hot pink. Sigh. And the second theme is vintage. So it's kind of dualing themes. I'm angling for a 60s mod suit.   It's actually her second wedding, and I was one of the two witnesses at her first. I've already had a dry run of how this will go.

I hear you, Kylo. Most folks I know have been married once, divorced once, and on the second round. A few are still married. Many have kids. I've never fit into this scheme well. I moved a lot for work and school, doing what I do, and my life went a different way.

If you're in the wedding party, as uncomfortable as it might be, I think you should honor the bride's wishes as far as what to wear. It's her day.

It took probably a year on T and being post top surgery for male clothes to start to fit really well on me unfortunately. The best luck I had with formal wear was getting some relatively inexpensive suit separates from Sears that were close to my size and getting them altered. I would say greater than 90% of cis guys need to have their suits altered in at least one way to make them fit well. Your best bet is to find a jacket that fits well through the shoulders and collar, and then correct any length/width issues in the sleeves, chest, overall length. Shoulder alterations are the most expensive to do and never guaranteed to work.

And just because you don't feel dateable right now doesn't mean you'll always feel that way. I couldn't fathom dating when I was pre-T or before top surgery. Once you're more comfortable with you, it'll be easier to approach other people who might be interested.

(Sorry for jumping all over the place - wanted to hit all your rambles )

Quote from: FTMax on April 30, 2017, 12:18:33 PM
If you're in the wedding party, as uncomfortable as it might be, I think you should honor the bride's wishes as far as what to wear. It's her day.

It took probably a year on T and being post top surgery for male clothes to start to fit really well on me unfortunately. The best luck I had with formal wear was getting some relatively inexpensive suit separates from Sears that were close to my size and getting them altered. I would say greater than 90% of cis guys need to have their suits altered in at least one way to make them fit well. Your best bet is to find a jacket that fits well through the shoulders and collar, and then correct any length/width issues in the sleeves, chest, overall length. Shoulder alterations are the most expensive to do and never guaranteed to work.

And just because you don't feel dateable right now doesn't mean you'll always feel that way. I couldn't fathom dating when I was pre-T or before top surgery. Once you're more comfortable with you, it'll be easier to approach other people who might be interested.

(Sorry for jumping all over the place - wanted to hit all your rambles )

Cheers Max for hitting my rambles. Appreciated!

Yeah, I'm focused on the shoulder width first, then armhole height, then sleeves. I'm more than half-tempted to sew my own (I do sew), but I'm busy with plenty of things going on right now, so ready-to-wear is easier, but more $$$. We'll see what the bride says today.