Susan,  you've come a long way and you do look spectacular.  Hearing you describe your dead eyes and how you prayed each day to be taken from this world really struck me hard.  I'm not going to lie, I shed a few tears lying here tonight reading that.  I'm so happy for you that you've found some peace in your life and your eyes definitely do show a much happier soul.

My description of the Trans Experience

Being Trans was not a decision to change my sex, it was with me from birth. I first recognized it around 4-5 years old. I didn't know what it was until around 7 years old. It has never left me even once.

You quickly recognize that people do not treat you the same way others people who are just like you are treated. You are excluded from their groups, from simple socialization.

You are bullied because no matter how hard you try, you are not perceived by your peers of either gender as "right" or "normal," you are a freak to them. You just don't behave, act, or react in the manner your gender is supposed to.

Puberty horrifies you. Imagine looking in the mirror, and you start to see an alien looking back at you, with your real self being trapped inside helpless. Over and over again, every day until it gets to the point you no longer want to ever see your reflection again due to the pain it causes you. Where your own voice betrays you every time you speak, where your body no longer represents who you are.

You try to repress it as you are told by society over and over again that good little boys, or girls whichever the case may be do not act or dress in this way. You learn to wear the socially acceptable gender as a mask hiding your real self. You are an actor playing a role in public.

You turn to religion or tasks that define your socially accepted gender, including for biological men the military or dangerous jobs. Many get married, have kids, and try to live a "normal" life. It never works.

Frequently you turn to drugs, alcohol, or even suicide. You want to die, you even pray for death. You neglect this foreign body, often denying yourself even basic medical or dental care. You go out in public as little as possible, after all who would want to see a "freak".

The only thing that cures it is to become who you are inside. To accept who and what you were meant to be. The final step is surgery which lets your soul finally match your body, and at long last you no longer see the alien.

You can finally begin living your life!

Trans people are not mentally ill, we are not freaks. We are fixing a terrible genetic or biological mistake. We don't ask for your approval though that would be nice too; we however rightfully demand your acceptance and tolerance.

Wow Susan, that is a phenomenal synopsis.  What strikes me in particular is how different each of our experiences can be.  I see many similarities in your experience and mine but also some key differences.  I too at an early age knew something wasn't right and while I kind of understood what it was, I really failed to identify it at a young age.  I too was bullied for not fitting in.  Apparently, I was very good at repressing and denying what I was because while I still knew something was there (love of crossdressing, some fetishistic behaviors) I still didn't identify what was truly going on.

I'm very fortunate that despite experiencing some serious self-loathing, I never turned to substance abuse or suicide (although I came close a number of times on the latter). I buried myself in traditionally male activities.  I played sports in grade school and high school, I got into body building, I rode motorcycles, I did construction work, etc.  Some of that I truly did enjoy but at the same time it was still a cover, a way for me to try to fit into what society expected of me.  In many ways I lived a happy life with a great family and lots of blessings, but there was always something lurking in the background.

I think my success in denying and repressing the fact that I am truly transgender is why when I finally did come to terms with reality, it came on like someone opened the flood gates. I've moved very quickly into transition, some here have told me too quickly.  But it's kind of like I've wasted 39 years of my life fighting this so now I just want to let it all free and be the person I was meant to be.

I didn't do the drugs and alcohol thing or the suicide. This was intended to be a generic synopsis.

QuoteYou quickly recognize that people do not treat you the same way others people who are just like you are treated. You are excluded from their groups, from simple socialization.

I noticed the same thing.  While I had some friends, they also tended to be "outcasts" too.  I too had some things I hid, such as my desire to wear some of my sister's things.  There have been a few trans changes in my life, that I wish I had started years earlier, such as cross dressing, wearing a bra on a regular basis and even performing oral sex on a guy.  I just wish that in my day, it would have been as permissible to do those things, as it is today.  I missed a lot in my life, because of the way things were back then.

I'm not calling you a liar Susan, but there is no way that was you. It has to be a relative, or friend. The pic looked like a severely angry man who had given up all hope. But your new appearance is so much more vibrant. I see a very happy woman who has hope for the future, and a very giving spirit, as you have created a place for all of us to feel safe and at home.

But on the mention of suicide and substance abuse... unfortunately I have experienced both. For a long time. I've been clean for around 15 years, but it's not the easiest thing to keep a clear head about drugs. It's a daily struggle to not go out buy.

Those pictures actually made me really happy to see, youre certainly very beautiful in that image.

I think that last sentence "...we dont need your approval, although that would be nice, but we demand your acceptance and tolerance" is quite fitting

You look amazing Susan!

I think I can tick nearly every point you made in your synopsis. It also helped explain a few things about my past life choices that I hadn't found a place for, so thanks for the insight

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Susan, your progress is nothing short of astounding to me. I'm amazed at how much progress can be made over a 3-7 year span with hormones and determination.

Thank you

Most of it within the last 2 years...