I feel like a fake today.  I feel like I am just trying to attach to something, someone that accepts me.  I can go days feeling just fine, feeling happy even, but then it hits.  Doubt, shame, fear, the thoughts that I am getting in way over my head.  The loathing of my body never goes away, but maybe it's just my weight?  I mean, sometimes, albeit rarely, I like having a penis, and am afraid of losing my ability to procreate because I want at least one or two more kids, but I am afraid to do that if I am going to live as a female.  Other times, more prevelantly, I imagine having a vagina and it feels great, it feels right. 

I shave my chest, face, legs and armpits and feel happy, I love the smoothness of it until it comes back to stubble hours later, then I hate it again.  I hate male based scents, smelling womens deoderant and body wash on me makes me euphoric, helps me sleep like i've never thought I could.  Any time I see a vagina (which is a lot in a house full of women, I don't watch porn) I only think "Why can't I have one of those?  Why wasn't I born with one?"  But then...days like today, I just think "I'm a guy, i need to stop this before it gets out of hand."  This tends to happen on days when I fight with my girlfriend about unrelated stuff.  Is it possible that the surge in adrenaline or the stress is just releasing more T into me and my brain is just being tricked by my physiology?  I don't know what dysphoria feels like I don't think.  At least I've never had anyone say "Yep, that's dysphoria, that's what its like right there." 

Could I possibly be just trying to convince myself?  =(

Ilyria,

Sounds like you need to do some talking to a therapist or support group.

Without knowing you, nobody can answer these questions. We all must make our own decisions.

Best wishes.

Quote from: Dani on May 01, 2017, 12:25:02 PM
Ilyria,

Sounds like you need to do some talking to a therapist or support group.

Without knowing you, nobody can answer these questions. We all must make our own decisions.

Best wishes.

Yeah, I am working on getting into a therapist, my situation makes it difficult, but I'm getting there.  Support groups are pretty out for me though in person.

Doubting & questioning just come with the territory. I'm definitely working through intermittent feelings of being game in relation to being trans and they never really seem to go away, moreso just ebb and flow. I find that I come across them the most when I'm feeling at peace about transitioning. Like, I finally managed to shut off all the outside noise to be okay with this, and then that same little voice that poked me about being trans for my entire life is now poking me about not being trans? I think it's just because I'm finally feeling level headed and right, so my brain just naturally assumes that everything must in fact be wrong, because that has been it's natural resting state for so long. Weirdly enough, the next most often I feel this way is when I get into an argument with my spouse or a family member (which happens fairly often), and when I'm fed up with my 3 year old. My voice immediately falls out of its feminine range, the T starts pumping, and that masculine side just completely whitewashes over any feelings of femininity for a minute until I come back to center.  I talked to my therapist about doubting myself more than ever before in the 5 minutes I spent staring down my pill bottles just before starting HRT. Her response was simple: "welcome to womanhood."

That being said, doubts definitely shouldn't be ignored, they should be explored and dealt with the same as with questioning. Depending on the frequency and intensity of doubt, it could be that you are still in denial, bargaining, just feeling a little ambivilant, or something more. All of those things are perfectly okay and are just part of the experience. Talking this over with a therapist, support groups, or just a close friend can definitely help you make progress and figure yourself out.

Glad to hear you're working on getting in with a therapist.  That said, let me assure you that what you're experiencing is not uncommon.  I too have had days like that.  Days where I question if I'm just kidding myself.  Days where I'm wondering, because it's all so surreal, if maybe I'm not taking this seriously enough. I've had that "I'm a guy, i need to stop this before it gets out of hand." feeling that you mentioned.  It took me a ton of self reflect to admit to myself that I was trans, it takes additional self-reflection to consider, analyze and come to a conclusion regarding these doubts.  In the end my answer has been the same, I need to be who I really am, and who I really am is a beautiful woman named Alyssa.

A good therapist will help you with that self analysis.  You do need to consider the doubts your feeling and figure out where they're coming from.  Try to relax and not make any assumptions.  You have to do the work sometimes mentally to really know that you're ready for this next BIG step.

I spent quite a long time trying to erase my doubts, didn't work, but I got to the point where I can move forward confidently by thinking about what would hold me back and addressing it one thing at a time, not every concern can be addressed easily, but it did help.

TBH I think we all suffer like this to some extent , I have my WTF am I doing moments but as you say home shower, shave creams ect and put on my clothes and it all make sense . The mirror says no the voice says no but the brain says YES and its keeping me sane .

Quote from: Rambler on May 01, 2017, 01:05:49 PM
I'm fed up with my 3 year old.

This!  I have a 5 year old and shes pretty stubborn (read independent) and I get upset with her a lot and end up raising my voice with her and....those are the days it's the worst.  I think there's a connection there.

You really need to see a therapist and seriously consider HRT if you are losing it with your children.  But in the meantime getting laser hair removal done on your chest and arms may get you some relief.  Facial hair removal is a more serious step but if you think you can go the rest of your life without growing a beard it may be something to consider.

I can tell you from experience that HRT made me a far better listener and made me far more even tempered.

Quote from: Ilyria on May 01, 2017, 12:10:47 PM
I shave my chest, face, legs and armpits and feel happy, I love the smoothness of it until it comes back to stubble hours later, then I hate it again.


I don't know what dysphoria feels like I don't think.  At least I've never had anyone say "Yep, that's dysphoria, that's what its like right there."

Then let me be the first to say, "Yep, that's dysphoria, that's what its like right there."

Before I started HRT I had really hairy arms. Like disgusting ape man arms.  Even when I waxed them the spiky stubble would come back literally the next day.  Cactus arms.  Not to put too fine a point on it, but it was like having a beard on my arms.   I had to wear long sleeve shirts all the time.  Even when I was sleeping at nite.  Before I came out I was able to ignore it, just like I was able to ignore the beard on my face that I was hiding behind.  After I came out, it was a source of constant gender dysphoria.

The good news is that since I went on HRT the skin on my arms is very soft and the hair is now a soft, vellus,  sparse, female level hairiness.  My skin is smooth and I just hardly notice them that much.

That's dysphoria!

You sound as if you got dysphoria to me. I also could not take body hair and went to extreme measures to get rid of it. The difference here is you may like a vagina and you want to have one. I also went to extreme measures trying to castrate myself as a teen to get one. That is gender dysphoria for you.

Believe me I got a lot of "I am a guy" moments before I accepted that I had gender dysphoria. I got them when I interacted with people and got emotional. Like anger, sadness and so on.

It is normal to have that moments even with gender dysphoria you are torn in between two worlds and it is like a scale. Sometimes something happens that put more weight on the guy side and you think but I am a guy. Other moments you feel this strong urge to be feminine and the scale tips too I am a girl.

My scale don't tip too I am a guy so often anymore. But then again I eliminated a lot of things that can make that scale tip.

I guess my biggest worry is can I go 30+ years of my life not knowing and still be trans? 

I hear ALMOST everyone's story is something like "I knew since I was really young, i hated being a boy/my penis.  I wanted to be a girl/I played with girl toys, etc"  Now, granted, this is not everyone's story, but it seems like their are elements of these few things in all of them. 

For me, I always just generally hated my body.  I had a few incidents of what I am guessing is genital dysphoria.  In 2nd grade I drew a picture in art class of myself with a big dog biting my crotch.  I got in so much trouble for that, you'd think I started WW3.  About 5th grade I used some Glade bathroom spray and covered the entire thing after I read "DO NOT USE ON SKIN, CONTACT POISON CONTROL IF YOU DO" (paraphrase)  I got caught doing that and I had just started WW4.  I had one other incident too graphic for these forums, also caught for and I was beaten for that one.  The thing is, I never had any conscious "I hate my genitals/gender/sex" during any of this.  Also, though, the trouble I got in, the only thing I remember is that it was so traumatizing that I can't remember it. 

And then I was ok, I even LOVED my beard for a long time, literally until I shaved it, then I started hating it.  I can't remember a time (even while having sex) that I liked my penis though, I always thought it was self consciousness because I am not even mediocrely endowed.  I know this is all best discussed with a therapist, which I am trying to find one that will respond to my calls (four so far have not returned calls/emails) but I have been learning so much with you all sharing your experiences with me.  You've all been through it, most therapists haven't, even if they've seen it, they haven't BEEN it. 

Quote from: Ilyria on May 02, 2017, 05:30:52 AMcan I go 30+ years of my life not knowing and still be trans? 

There are many of us who only started figuring this stuff out in our 50s and 60s.  So, yes, you could have gone decades without knowing and still be trans.  Only a small minority "get it" when they are young kids.

Quote from: Ilyria on May 02, 2017, 05:30:52 AM
I hear ALMOST everyone's story is something like "I knew since I was really young, i hated being a boy/my penis.  I wanted to be a girl/I played with girl toys, etc"  Now, granted, this is not everyone's story, but it seems like their are elements of these few things in all of them. 

This isn't true for everyone though. Seems to me that what really happens is that a lot of the times we are not conscious of that part our identity, and we are not sure why we feel the way we feel, but then when we finally realize what's going on, we go back in time in our heads and start putting the pieces together. But it isn't like we literally "always knew". Far from it. Had I always known, I would've started when I was a teenager.

But I started really thinking about this 8 years ago when I was 20, and then only 3 years ago I realized there really was something in me, and as I keep remembering things from my childhood I realize it was always there, but it wasn't until I was 20 that I started really seeing it.

Not knowing from a young age doesn't mean your not trans.  I didn't know until I was 34.  There were some signs before them, but they were not big flashing neon lights or anything.  I took pride in my goatee and my sideburns for years.  I loved how I looked in a suit.  Lots of things that buried the thought that I could be trans.  When is started connecting the dots I realized they don't invalidate my feelings.  If it were possible to be both I absolutely would.  I made a decision to forgo those things I enjoyed because they still didn't make me happy overall.  We make sacrifices sometimes both big and small.  Try not to let that doubt get to you.

     Hi Ilyria,

   Want to talk about doubts and not sure about what you are feeling? Or perhaps not being one of those that knew they were in the wrong body when they were young? Or maybe about dysphoria?
  Well girl, let me put it this way, I didn't even hear about gender dysphoria until around November of last year, That's right, 6 months ago. Once I learned of it I found out some of it fit me and some of it didn't. The door opened doubts stepped in. I felt I might be trans but I wasn't sure. I was thrilled to find I could get HRT and started taking them without ever a second thought about it figuring I could stop if I didn't feel good about it. Doubts everywhere I have never had that thought that HRT was NOT right for me. Not once.
    At the time I was researching about what Trans was all about and kept reading that I should be under a doctor's care for my HRT and that gender therapy could be of vast help in figuring things out. So I took my story and confessed to my doctor who agreed that I was likely trans and ordered my hrt meds for me. When he asked if I wanted to talk to a gender therapist, I told him yes. I will be going to my 4th session with him on the 9th. It does help. Like certain umm friends here at Susan's he has been suggestion I let Laurie come out more into the public eye. He tells me I am a trans-woman and need to accept that. I still see him in male mode and go by my male name though he does use Jeanette sometimes when we talk.  He doesn't know I am changing to Laurie Jeanette yet.
  I have crossdressed almost all my life and wished I could be a girl thousands of times but didn't think I was one. I'm working on that part. I used to think my crossdressing was all it was and that it was enough. But still those wishes the I had been born a female persist. Not being happy with the body you were born with and wishing it was different. Dressing as the opposite sex and not being able to stop doing it for any great length of time. Felling terrible that you have these thoughts and do these things that are attributed to the opposite sex is gender dysphoria even if you don't do it all the time. The thing is that you question your own gender and are not happy in the body you had or the life you live. Cis people do not do that. They just never have the need to.
   From What you have said I think any therapist would tell you that you do have gender dysphoria. But you do need to hear that for yourself from a therapist so don't stop trying to see one.
 
   Hugs,
   Laurie

Well, my town literally has 5 gender therapists that can help with trans issues.  I looked through all their profiles on psychology today and found one I liked, she and 3 other females worked at a center focusing on LGBT issues and I felt I would be most comfortable there, speaking with a female.  Well, 8 emails unresponded to later, I gave a call, 6 times I called with no answer inside business hours, then I got through to someone, they put me on hold, waited 10 minutes, never came back, figured they forgot.  Called back today and same thing, got through, but put on hold forever.  I figured if this was the kind of service they provide, then I don't want it because it's not professional at all.  So the last two was one male, one female, again, I think I would feel more comfortable with a female, I called and she did not accept insurance at all even though she is the highest rated therapist for T people in the whole state.  So I had to acquiesce and called the male therapist which I found out is actually a student of the woman who did not accept insurance.  So, I have my first appointment not this friday, but next, and I am scared to death and excited at the same time.  Scared to get confirmation from a licensed professional because of my family siutation.  Excited because I feel like it will be a huge relief to have it confirmed.  I'm just a wreck over it right now.  This is a huge step.

Side note, I think my girlfriend has figured me out.  I guess I am being TOO overt in my hint dropping.  She asked me point blank last night if I wanted to be a girl.  The question came up because I had to give a hair folicle drug test and they had to shave my chest because I destroyed my long hair by shaving it trying to feel more manly to convince myself.  AFter they shaved it it was a mess and I just decided I wanted to shave it anyway and finished it off.  Told her I like the feel of it and was gonna keep doing it.  Thats when she asked, and of course at this point I said no, and I think she knows that I was lying because she always knows when I am witholding something.  She said it's ok if you want to be.  I continued to dismiss it because I don't know if she was sincere about that or not.  UGH!  I just hope this therapist helps.

WOW Ilyria that's one great update! You're going to have your first appointment (yayyy!) and also, it seems like your girlfriend figured it out. Even if down the line you find out she isn't as supportive as she claims, just take this as something positive since the cat is sort of out of the bag, so whenever you do decide to tell her, it won't be that surprising.

I'm still thinking she was kinda being facetious though.  It was really said in a joking manner, and in front of our daughter too.  I don't know, I have trouble reading her sometimes when I feel like i'm cornered.

Of course you have the feelings of 'I'm a guy and should stop this before it gets out of hand'. Running with your obviously true feelings is to put you at great risk: of not passing, or rejection, of ridicule, of hate, of bigotry, of persecution, of loneliness. It also puts great strain on your finances and highlights the flaws in your skills: walking like a woman, talking like a woman, applying makeup, male bone structure.

The 'stop this before it's too late'  thinking is natural because being a guy is safe. You look like a guy, you talk like one, you smell like one, you have male hormone levels and you probably have 'masculine' interests. In short: you're accepted by society as a man and no one bats an eyelid. And being accepted is comforting. We seek it for survival reasons. So why would anyone choose to gleefully remove themselves from such safety and acceptance and ostracise themselves and painting a big target on their back?

However, despite knowing all of this you still want what you want. You suppress the thoughts for a little while but they always come back. They always do. Why? Survival. The woman inside you is trying her best to survive, to live, to thrive.

Read this:  http://born.uk.com/tell-youre-trans/

Then read this: http://born.uk.com/regrets-vicki-sixx/