As a non-transitioning nonbinary partial transmale, I don't represent many on this forum.

Yet I have always assumed I'm male. I have also always known I'm bio female, yet I never really thought about it.

It's a knowing. I have never tried to be accepted as male, tried to dress as one, or tried to copy males. I'm just who I am.

I have, however, occasionally tried to copy females, once I realized I wasn't acting like my cisfemale relatives and friends, but I couldn't keep it up more than a few seconds.

My transwoman friend from high school constantly obsessed about passing as female, being accepted by other women, etc.
I couldn't understand it, but it may be because she was planning to transition completely.

Another nonbinary transwoman friend seems unconcerned with acceptance, and isn't even planning to have surgery. She just wants to wear women's clothes, makeup, and live the lifestyle.

This is a question I am still asking myself.  I believe I had a LOT of repression and SUPPRESSION though, so I always thought of myself as male, just something was off.  After some point in my life I feel like my dad reinforced being his "Son" more than he had before, like overboard with it, but I didn't realize it till recently.  I made my own post saying sometimes I feel fake, like i'm trying to convince myself, but I really feel a lot more feminine than masculine, and I feel like this way I feel now, is how I've always felt, so that means I must have always been female right?  By my insane leaps in logic, right or not, I am pretty sure I always felt female and I am also pretty sure I want my body to match that.

As someone who identifies as 10% agender and the rest male I find myself feeling like I'm playing at being male because that's all people see me as plus I feel I have to act masculine even though that's not how I like to express my gender expression mostly. I felt like I was male pre T but I knew I didn't feel that label completely fit me but was suppressing the fact I am nb. I don't feel like I'm becoming agender as that's just who I am and how my brain is wired.

I've dreamed, fantasized, wished, and prayed to be female.  Wondered what was wrong with me.  Tried on some women's clothing a time or two.  Never really thought of myself as any gender except what I was taught I was, just a weird version of it.  I feel so much better now, aside from still looking like a dude in a skirt.  I just wanted to feel better, and this journey seems to be what was needed.  My boss told me I seem more confidant, my coworkers say that I am a bit more open/outgoing, and my sister says that my speech sounds happier.  I guess this was the right thing for me, despite my occasional doubts.

Short version, both.  Everything, from my past, makes sense now, but decades of living one way have taken their toll.

Do you feel you are already a female (or male), or are you trying to become one?

I suppose that depends on how it's looked at. For me I have always been female between the ears but nothing matched that reality. Below the neck was foreign, opposite, wrong, backwards of what my minds eye told me was supposed to be. So is HRT and an orchi trying to be female? I think at this stage it's more trying to get the physical a bit more in line with the mental. I have no idea what the next year or two will bring about but for now it's a fascinating journey and is definitely giving peace of mind.

As above I know I am female in my head and when I look at my body in the mirror and my face is not visible I feel like a woman but it is my face and my deep Yorkshire accent that mess things up for me and still look and sound male.

I don't feel gender at all.  I know in my head that I am female, but I don't feel it.  I think that the lack of feeling is what I had to do to myself to survive all those years of trying to be male.  As I gain experience living as a woman, I hope to begin to feel it more.

I don't really feel I "am" a woman yet. For me womanhood isn't only hormones and appearance (that's probably the least important part). What makes anyone a woman is their experiences in life...I've never lived like a woman, I've never had their struggles (or their triumphs) so it's impossible for me to say I am one right now. I do think I definitely identify with them and would like to experience life like them, it's what feels right, what makes me feel happy and comfortable in the world, it's like realizing some of the pieces of the puzzle were placed wrong even though overall it seemed like it was OK and completed, and I just need to rearrange those pieces so the puzzle is actually correct.

I find this question difficult to answer because of the disconnect between my mind and body. But, I used to say that I want to be a woman rather than I am a woman. And I think I feel now like I am a woman rather than I want to be a woman, it's just that I feel disconnected from myself because my body is in direct conflict with how I feel on the inside. And I'm so used to trying to manipulate how I feel on the inside to match how I look on the outside that I almost thought for a while that I didn't experience dysphoria. I think the truth for me is I actually feel a LOT of dysphoria when I am able to keep from suppressing. And my natural response to dysphoria is repression.

Once I can finally get rid of all my internalized anxiety and repression I won't have to think at all about being female, it's just who I am underneath, it's far more effort to act male. To be honest my physical appearance isn't entirely male even without HRT, the face is definitely not female, but my hips are pretty wide for a man, and my boobs are definitely not pecks, but small for a woman too. (I've begun to suspect Klinefelter syndrome, but it's not diagnosed)

So physically I have to try to be female, but mentally I just am.

I feel like a woman even to the extent that trying to imagine myself as a guy seems strange. Physically i have improvements to do yet but mentally i feel fully woman.

When i think of myself gender doesn't really enter the picture unless necessitated by surrounding thoughts.  I am.  My rational brain can analyze behaviors and mood all it wants.  The truth is I am me.  I say I'm becoming a woman, because in appearance and experience that is happening.  I couldn't tell you what it feels like to be a woman or a man, just what it feels like to be me.  Only when in comparison to others experiences does the question of gender really come into.  Some days I do think that I don't feel very girly, or I feel like how I used to, but that is infrequent.  In many ways the discussion on if you feel like a girl/guy is a comparison looking for external validation.  We tick boxes off about behaviors and judge that against expectations derived from observing others.  To many how they feel internally doesn't match up with outward appearance or desires.  I feel for you if you feel that.  To me I felt that way constantly, but not usually in relation to gender, just about life in general.

My situation is different than most.  I did not experience significant dysphoria from my gender except with the social standards I was being held to.  I knew dressing and expressing feminine​ was helpful and made me happier.  I chose to transition because it allows me to be more who I want to be rather than what everyone assumes I must be.  Others truly had transition thrust upon them as a last resort.  Those individuals are the ones likely to feel and associate much more powerfully as a woman internally.  Neither of the options are wrong, but it opens things up for a false dichotomy.

I feel that I am female, but things are very obviously wrong with my body.

So maybe it's a more a matter of semantics?

What confused me is when transwomen talked about "wanting to be a girl" since childhood, or "wanting to be a woman." I've always seen myself as male, and also as female, without once thinking that I had to "become" either.
But apparently it's just semantics and other transgender people feel as I do, but are referring to trying to match bodies with minds.

I actually feel like am 3rd gender person.  Tho I prefer a female user interface, I also feel that no matter how fast and far and hard I run away from it, I do still have a 57 year history of living as a man that I need to find unity with somehow as well as a Y chromosome that all the hormones  and surgeries in the world will NEVER remove.  Like Shakespeare said," All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."  It does feel like I am playing a role at times, but I feel it was a role I was born to play.  The role of a lifetime.  A role I enjoy playing and plan very much to continue to flesh out.  That's why the social aspect of transition is paramount to me.  I could not imagine transitioning medically and not pursuing a social transition as well. For me, however painful, and however much it costs in terms of losing my male privileges, and even at the price of scorn and derision, not pursuing social transition as well would be like missing the best part.

I don't feel as though I am trying. I can't be what I am not or can't make real. So we'll see what there is. 

I always try to be myself and act natural. It's quite easy to find yourself if you're willing to let go of what others might think. Then all you have to do is fix the body. The medical profession will take care of that part for me. As for me, I'm not going anywhere. I have always been exactly who I have always been. Society would probably call it male, I'm just using their approximation for brevity. There's no "arc" in this story for me, or some "becoming someone else". Only for the onlookers, I suppose.

I'm female. It's not something I question really. Dysphoria and social pressures can have me chasing shadows sometimes, but that doesn't change my gender. I'll always be female.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Quote from: Raell on May 02, 2017, 05:22:17 AM
As a non-transitioning nonbinary partial transmale, I don't represent many on this forum.

Yet I have always assumed I'm male. I have also always known I'm bio female, yet I never really thought about it.

It's a knowing. I have never tried to be accepted as male, tried to dress as one, or tried to copy males. I'm just who I am.

I have, however, occasionally tried to copy females, once I realized I wasn't acting like my cisfemale relatives and friends, but I couldn't keep it up more than a few seconds.

My transwoman friend from high school constantly obsessed about passing as female, being accepted by other women, etc.
I couldn't understand it, but it may be because she was planning to transition completely.

Another nonbinary transwoman friend seems unconcerned with acceptance, and isn't even planning to have surgery. She just wants to wear women's clothes, makeup, and live the lifestyle.

I really love this question.  I want to be a woman, yet I am not biologically.  I can not say that I am truly a man either, lets say if you stripped away my body and all that was left of me was my mind, it would be leaning in the direction of the female gender in the US.  I would not resemble a man.  I lack the competitive spirit, the decisiveness, a dominating personality, I'm not masculine nor do I have the desire to be.

To get down to it though, what is a woman or a man outside of biological sex?  That is what really confuses me, I've known plenty of women who are more "manly" than I am.    For what I understand, my mind is feminine so in that way according to gender of the mind I am a woman, imho. 

Unfortunately my body does not match my mind though, so I am not a woman in accordance to society..  I'll tell you though, the singularity can not get here soon enough

  Count me among those that want to feel like I am a woman. I struggle with it as it is one of the things that makes me questions whether I am trans or not. I've posted about it recently. I can remember wishing I was a girl since young childhood. Probably ever since I realized there was a difference between my sisters and I. I grew up living with the shame and guilt of wearing girls clothes and knowing I was different than other guys. I was a pervert, a weirdo, boys didn't do those things or wish they were girls. I hated myself for it. But I couldn't stop either the wishing or the crossdressing. Finally I accepted that it was something I needed to do. I convinced myself it was enough and I learned to live with it but in constant fear of being exposed.  Then I discovered gender dysphoria and hrt and they fit me. I quit lying to myself. I am trans, I am a trans-woman. I know this. I want this. but more that that I want to feel I am a woman and there is my problem, my current struggle, I don't. I'm working on it.
   Hopefully in time I will.

Hugs,
    Laurie

For me I fell female, have as long as I can remember. That feeling and knowing was solidified in my teens, which is when the body dysphoria really kicked in.

What's interesting to me is that during puberty I never really developed masculine sex characteristics. No Adam's apple, sparse facial hair and a voice that never deepened, and even some breast growth giving me a solid A cup Going into adulthood I got t gendered as female by strangers and in public around 75% of the time. This occurred when I was clearly dressing in male attire, had a bit of facial hair, short hair etc. The public perception of me was generally "female".

Going back to that knowing, I have to wonder if on a sub conscious level growing up I picked up female mannerisms, body language, interaction patterns, that sing song voice rather than monotone.

In my case the public "knew" I was female, all the while my own body dysphoria was increasing.  After transitioning I realized just how much effort I was putting in to present and be gendered as male.

I do wonder how others feel about their own social behaviors. Did (or do) you have to constantly make an effort to present with typical male behaviors or if you're transitioning, is it a huge effort to pick up the typically female mannerisms, behavior, etc


~Brooke~