So after ages of trying to find one while going through therapy, I finally found an endocrinologist who takes my insurance who I can go see. And turns out she doesn't even need a letter from my therapist, so after telling my therapist such, I called and finally made my first appointment for a week from now, and at the time I couldn't be happier, I'm finally so close to starting HRT and I can't wait!
Then today happens and just about destroys all the joy I was feeling, as despite claiming support all this time, besides a few negative remarks, today I learn they're all completely against it and have basically just been placating me the whole time because they never believed I would actually do anything I guess.
My dad for his part is constant in his cost and insurance worries, which I always knew he felt, just not this strongly.
But now I learn he's been talking with my mother behind my back this whole time about how none of them want me to do this.
My sister earlier this week told me when I excitedly told her about my first endo appointment, that she doesn't want me to do it, that she doesn't want a sister, she wants her brother, and that my mom feels the same way. And she tries to get me to promise if the hormones don't make me feel better right away that I'll stop taking them.
So I'm telling my dad this tonight after we returned from dropping my sister off at our mothers, that she said this. And that's when he says he doesn't want me doing it either.
And that apparently my mom earlier this week told my grandmother she feels sick about the whole thing, like telling me that is proof of how much she loves me and not something that completely crushes me.
And how my dad has wanted to say something to me all week, but wanted to wait to do it with my mom, and I still don't know what that will entail, so I still have that coming up.
My mom is forcing her way into my next therapist appointment because she wants to hear from my therapist if she really believes this is something I need.
And then my mom apparently wants to get the name of the meds my aunt takes for her tremors, which I have as well, because she believes if I no longer suffer from the tremors then I'll feel comfortable with myself and realize I don't want this.
I don't know what I'm going to do here, the very thought of spending my life as I am now is to unbearable to even think about, I'd honestly rather die. But I'm not a strong willed person, I never have been, if they end up saying no they don't want me to do this I'm not going to be able to fight them on it...I'm just going to nod and say okay and go back to suffering every moment of the day like I did for almost a year before coming out...
It's not like this isn't all still terrifying for me at times despite how much I'm looking forward to starting. Why do they have to go and lump on extreme depression over sudden lack of support onto my already full plate. They don't want me to feel better, they want me to be what they want me to be. Even whenever I say something I've realized has to do with my gender dysphoria they brush it away as not, I never noticed how much they did that till now..