I transitioned to be myself, to be my true self.  Now when my parents ask me to dress up like my old way more baggy when I am with them, and when they call me by my birth name can call me son, I hate that feeling, and sometimes I get flashbacks as my old self as a male and I hated my old self and I never want to go back, I don't want to be that person that says oh look at her shes hot, that's not me, that's what people see in me when I am a guy.  Mikka on the other hand is the real me, the caring one, the one who always understood, the one who always listened.  Now when I wear baggy cloths my past image HITS me hard, when I wear tighter cloths I feel happy and jolly.  Why does clothing have such a huge effect on me, I know clothing is just clothing, but can someone please help me out ?  I guess thats why I have doubts its because of other people.
How will I be judged as a trans, the stress of not passing, should I go back to being a man (even tho its not who I am.)
Would it just be easier etc etc...
But "K" my old name initial is not who I am.
So I need time to regrow and get used toas Mikka, and be MikKa
Because 28 years I was always "k" in peoples eyes.

Clothing is one of the main ways that we present ourselves to the world.  So, when you wear the type of clothes that K would have worn, you are presenting something that is not you, and that reminds you of who you do not want to be.  It makes perfect sense that you would want to present yourself to the world as yourself.  That's what transition is all about: not necessarily just clothing, but presenting yourself to the world.

It does take some time to get used to being ourselves.  I am just starting and I still have a lot to learn about who I am, but it sure feels good to be me and to look like me.

I am much calmer now, I guess the anxiety affected the way I thought, and I really need to relax. I shouldn't "force" myself to pass, and to look like a women, everyone transition is different, some are quicker than others, as much as I want to dry dresses, make up, heels, my anxiety will just increase, first I need to get comfortable and get used to female clothing, and being in public. Then I can move on baby steps at a time.