Hey everybody, I think I just need to vent a little. I first stopped being in denial August of 2015 and have been going back and forth ever since. Starting in November of 2016 I've been seeing a gender therapist, and a few weeks ago I told her that I wanted to start hormones. She said she would give me a referral next week. When I finally decided that I wanted to start, a level of calm came over me that was amazing, but lately that has given way to fear and sadness. Fear about how things will move forward, how the rest of the world will treat me, and sadness over a whole host of things that I don't know that I'll ever truly get over.

One of the big ones is how my parents will react when I tell them that I'm going to start the treatments. I came out to them this past summer, my mother seems to have mostly accepted it but my father seems to have a lot of trouble with the concept, he told me that he doesn't feel he could handle me transitioning. After coming out in July I told my mother in November that I had started seeing a gender therapist, and other than that we haven't talked about it at all.

Another big issue for me is that I feel deep down that I have been robbed of the majority of my life. I haven't been wasting it, I have friends and I've had adventures, but I always felt like I was a spectator in my own life. Within the past week I've hit the point where music from high school is showing up on the classic rock stations and I am totally not ready for that. I'm 34 so I'm still relatively young, but at the same time I just keep thinking about all the things I wasn't able to experience that I should have.

Despite all of this I'm still terrified almost to the point of paralysis of moving forward. I just wish this whole trans thing had never happened to me, that I could be somebody else. I have so many good things going on in my life that I feel wrong upsetting everything, but I am also mortified at the idea of staying the way I am. On the one hand I know that we can't live our lives for other people, but on the other hand why should I upset everyone I know to do something that may not work, and on the gripping hand, I have no problem putting up with bad conditions if it will help me get what I want, so what should I want?

If you're still reading thanks for your attention, I think I just needed to get some stuff off of my chest.

Those fears and feelings are all totally normal.  I suspect that we all feel them at some point.  I still get flashes of them from time to time.  I have gotten past the 'coming out' fears, now that everyone knows, but I still get flashes of the sadness over things I missed out on.

What got me through the fears, and what keeps me going through the sadness is the same thing you mentioned: the horror of staying the way I was.  When I have my occasional WTF moments, I make a point of recalling that thought, that carrying on the way my life was going was just not an option that I could have faced.

As I get more familiar with that thought process, my sadness is gradually turning to a gentle melancholy.  Yes, there are things I missed out on.  But I did okay in my old life.  My male self did his job of protecting Kathy pretty well.  Maybe a little too well: he could have quit that job sooner.  As a kid I wanted to be three things when I grew up:  A jet pilot, a firefighter, and a girl.  Hot damn, I've gotten to do all three!  I have lived at least 2/3 of my life.  The rest of my life is going to be good.  I will make it so.

The only way through the fear is forward.  You know this.  Up until now, you have lived your life the way others expected you to.  You have been living for them; now it is time to live for yourself.  And you may be pleasantly surprised at people's reactions.  I have done a lot of coming out in the last couple of weeks, and people I was sure would reject me turned out to be beautifully supportive.  May it go as well for you.

I've got the exact same fears, so you're not alone. I'm hoping I get the courage to come out to my parents and significant other and then start hormones.

Just want to tell you to keep going...This forum is a blessing since it gives me the strength to continue when I feel like quitting. Please do the same, don't quit. The end of the road will be lovely.