Hey all, you know I gotta say the good days seem to be going in an uptick direction. I am feeling more contnent with who I always should have been. Looking back I can see more clearly there were some flags to be waved with my gender indenity. From ages of, well very young to the age of 8 or 9 then finally again around age 12 and ESPECIALLY age 13 to the current times. However, from nine to 12 or 13 I can oddly enough say that I didnt seem to have gender dysphoria. Infact I was ''glad'' to be a boy at that age. I say ''glad'' because working through with a counsellor I have discovered that the thing , or one of the things that made me I guess be ''ok'' with being male is because of an irrational fear. There was this really horrible thing that happened to this one girl, like her life was absolutley horrid. She was tortured, beaten and just really bad stuff to go into detail. Largley, as it turned out she went through this  because she was a girl. But i witnessed this at age 9 and I became convinced that had I been born a girl the same things would have happened to me. It was paranoia to the highest degree, but a 9 year old can sometimes have diffuculty processing the could haves. After that, any girly feelings I had kinda ''went away'' and I was going to make me all male.

And thats were this thread goes to. At ages 10/11 (2004 and 2005) I dont recall ever having gender dysphoria or even a desire to be female. Those two years I can safley say I dont even recall (doesnt mean it didnt happen for a split second) a moment expericning GD. Granted, I had a LOT of other stuff going on. 2004 was a very hard year the whole time as i was an anxious mess all the time and mentally unstable in general. It was so bad I came close to killing myself by going to drown myself at the summer camp I went to in July of that year. Then on Thanksgiving Monday (October in Canada) I tried to suffocate myself. Both were obviously were far from succesfful, but the intent was there and I just wanted my suffering to end at that time. Then in Janurary 2005 i was instituionalized for 2 months for anxiety, serve ocd and suicidalness. I was discharged from there in March, 3 days before I turned 11... I got out in a better state then I was before, not exactly sure how as I was never medicated and I hated the place the entire time I was there but I did meet some really nice adult workers there. I think it was purposful that you got two workers, a male and a female. rarley saw the female one much but I loved my male counselor, Bruce, I actually felt safe with him from myself and our relationship of lost kid and adult buddy was probably the only thing there that i liked.. but back to the story, I did feel a bit better leaving but I still had A LOT of things that i never really got to discuss or work on, i wanted out of there to so i just told them i was better. I wanted to back home.

In anycase, with me and a lot of issues still there  I did still  successfully go back to school and in the Summer of 2005 spent all of July in Winnipeg. There is a couple of times I did something that bothers me greatly and it may be sexist. I used to ''joke'' alot and I recall this one time my cousin (female, 2 years older) was going to the kitchen and I smacked her butt and told her to get me something, purposfully being rude but I guess in a ''joking'' way. I think i did it for the shocks and chuckles. But I did it a few more times. The thing is I dont recall if this was purley a very very bad and inapprocriate joke or if i was trying to be just awful.... I recall I had a hard time and was also a bit nervous connecting to girls and they made me anxious (especially after inncident at age 9) at this time in my life.. I am unsure. I was grown up with a lot of misogny and were put downs for people, and of course women were common place , especially when beers were in the area. I know the following year however at age 12 I was very digusted at a male family member after it was found out he was having a daughter his reaction went from excited to disapointed.. that was pretty off putting for me.. and as well when a male family member blamed femininsits for allowing women to be ''b**chy'' so atleast this behaviour, if it was sexist when I was 11 was gone by age 12 but it still bothers me greatly... Sorry to ruin you days by having to read my old stupidity, but I gotta get it off chest

-Ashley

  Okay Ashley, you've gotten it off your chest, out in the open. You've had your look ai it and time to relive those feeling of the time.
  Now it is time to toss it. It's done and past. You are embarking on a whole new chapter in your life and do not want to carry around your childhood baggage. Be done with it and move on. Look forward to your future for that is where you want to be.

  Hugs
     Laurie

I guess your right. Im sorry, its just one of those things that have been bothering me at the moment. Its like the shame and stupidity, I should have been more myself and not been a tool. I know I cant change the past, but that period of my times brings in some doubts that i had experinced before...... Lol, me and my messed up life

Hugs-Ashley

Ashley,

  Listen girl there is nothing about your post or the posting thereof that you need to apologize for. It was likely therapeutic for you to do so but I'll leave that assessment to a therapist.
  I was just suggesting that now that you have aired your feeling about it you can put it behind you and look forward to better things.

  Hugs,
  Laurie

I can now yes. i am excited to go to work lol, and excited that we are getting intrested buyers for our house!! That and I havent been feeling very dysphoric laltey too helps!

People are complicated and messy at times. 100% of us. You witnessed horrific trauma that is almost always going to effect someone's outlook on themselves and life. I would not worry too much about what you did at those ages. Kids are kids and affected by their environment. Therapy is great for dealing with childhood issues.

Now you can move forward with a healthier outlook on gender and life.

We have all done stupid stuff when we were young. It is what we have learned from these actions and who we are now that is important. From what I have read of your posts you have turn out to be a good and caring person. That's all that matters.

Thanks you two <3, I appreciate hearing that.. I suppose I was young and dumb

Go easy on your younger self.  She was just a kid; what did she know?  Now, she just needs a hug.

Quote from: KathyLauren on May 05, 2017, 02:43:45 PM
Go easy on your younger self.  She was just a kid; what did she know?  Now, she just needs a hug.

I suppose. I have learned to be a good person in anycase and have proper humour . The good news is that my dysphoria has gone down a lot, and I dont feel male which in turns can allow me to love my former self oddly enough.. Better days are on the horizon. Just a lot of weird twist and turns

I'm going to echo what other people have said. The you who are now is different from the past self.
We have all done things we regret and can't change and at times we weren't the best person.
Letting go of our past mistakes is what helps us to grow.
You can't change it so why be hard on your younger self?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Ashley, I think ultimately the process of transition is for many of us actually transformative. I've lived with a feminine brain fernthe wrong hormones and of course in the male body for nearly 60 years. I can't say that I was ever "normally" masculine, yet I know absolutely what it is to be socialized male and to be taking on male roles -- abetted by that testosterone.

Today I have the experience of beginning to feel completely female which has been principally due just to the change to correct hormones, letting my brain be what is clearly it's more natural state.

How many people genuinely get to walk on both sides of this fence? I feel so lucky to have traveled this road.

Was there a time when I was far more sexist in my thinking? Absolutely, and there are probably more pieces there still needing to fall into place.

And yes, being back on HRT has really flooded back into my emotional landscape today. Estrogen, how sorely I've missed you.

Thanks you two!

I suppose you are right. I did come to a realization today! One different from this post. I have noticed that since transitioning... and ESPECIALLY since HRT my social anxiety has gone down ALOT... I recall being a teen and being in aplace like a mall or being in a car with my family I would get ansy and annoyed and disintrested VERY quickly.. today i relaized that since having HRT I am not like that anymore!! Funny eh?