As some of you know, my brother has not spoken to me since we sent out my letter over a year ago telling family I am transgender.  Well, his daughter is getting married later this month.  So the other day I was talking to my sister-in-law and I was told my brother said I'm welcome at the wedding, with a caveat.  And I'm sure you can figure out what the caveat is.  Now I am on HRT but I haven't yet gone full time and if I had planned on attending the wedding, I would never, on my niece's special day, "be the elephant in the room" since I don't pass that well.  But to be told I am welcome at the wedding only if I appear as male insures that I will NOT be there.  I have always held out hope he would come around but now, I am done! 

It's so very sad when things go like this :/
I feel very sorry for you, maybe he will realise, when you are not there the error of his ways..

Hugs Rachel

For now it's probable done with but there is still hope for the long term. I was a few years post surgical and I wasn't welcome at my brothers wedding because of the brides family. While I haven't seen much of the brides family, I met with many of them when my brother passed away. It may take years and it's possible it might never happen but you still have time in your favor.

Quote from: BeverlyAnn on May 07, 2017, 12:28:20 AM
As some of you know, my brother has not spoken to me since we sent out my letter over a year ago telling family I am transgender.  Well, his daughter is getting married later this month.  So the other day I was talking to my sister-in-law and I was told my brother said I'm welcome at the wedding, with a caveat.  And I'm sure you can figure out what the caveat is.  Now I am on HRT but I haven't yet gone full time and if I had planned on attending the wedding, I would never, on my niece's special day, "be the elephant in the room" since I don't pass that well.  But to be told I am welcome at the wedding only if I appear as male insures that I will NOT be there.  I have always held out hope he would come around but now, I am done!

Hi Bev I think I would go to the ceremony dressed like any other woman going to a wedding, arriving just before the start time so there is no way to cause a fuss and leave just as the ceremony is finishing giving no one the satisfaction of even talking to you but only seeing you. You are able to show support and love for the couple without being involved in all the garbage. If that is not a reality then to heck with him you don't need that kind of negativity in your life....I know it hurts but he is being an ass... 

Quote from: ElizabethK on May 07, 2017, 02:34:16 AM
Hi Bev I think I would go to the ceremony dressed like any other woman going to a wedding, arriving just before the start time so there is no way to cause a fuss and leave just as the ceremony is finishing giving no one the satisfaction of even talking to you but only seeing you. You are able to show support and love for the couple without being involved in all the garbage. If that is not a reality then to heck with him you don't need that kind of negativity in your life....I know it hurts but he is being an ass... 

Liz, if it was a local wedding, I probably would consider what you say.  But it's almost 1100 miles roundtrip and 17 hours.  Plus my son, being a master pastry chef, is doing the wedding cake and my daughter-in-law plus grandkids will be there.  So it wouldn't be get there, sit in the back and leave before anyone else type of thing.

Quote from: BeverlyAnn on May 07, 2017, 03:59:38 AM
Liz, if it was a local wedding, I probably would consider what you say.  But it's almost 1100 miles roundtrip and 17 hours.  Plus my son, being a master pastry chef, is doing the wedding cake and my daughter-in-law plus grandkids will be there.  So it wouldn't be get there, sit in the back and leave before anyone else type of thing.

I am sorry it is such a crappy situation for you...Maybe your absence will be noted and the reason why can not really be disputed. If he has "stated his case" publicly I can well imagine there is plenty of support for you.

What does your niece say?  I always thought it was the bride & groom who decided the guest list.  Perhaps she could have a word with your brother.

Yeah, my brother would be like that, too. Send him a box of dog crap. If you have a big dog, I'll give you my brothers address, too!   

Hugs, Devlyn

Sheesh..that would hurt.

I've always hated/resented attending ceremonies like funerals, church, and weddings.although most weddings have a DJ and dance floor, which makes up for it.

I don't think I would have gotten married myself if I hadn't designed and made my own dress (which was glittering blue, and I used for ballroom dancing afterward), had a destination wedding on the beach on a FLA island, surrounded by wheeling Black Skimmers and other sea birds.

But I've been in Thailand for the past seven years and missed my nephew's wedding. I felt terrible after my sister said she wished I'd been there.

Quote from: AnneK on May 07, 2017, 07:10:43 AM
What does your niece say?  I always thought it was the bride & groom who decided the guest list.  Perhaps she could have a word with your brother.

Ya, this. Most young people are very open to transgender people. If she says your welcome I would go. It's not your brothers wedding after all.

I would reach out to your niece and check in.
While most young people are accepting depending where they are this could be her way of chickening out and not telling you herself.

I'm curious though..... does she know? I am assuming here, but if you told your brother with the ask that he shares with his kids I could see him making this demand if he hadn't yet told them.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Charley on May 07, 2017, 09:14:51 AM
It's not your brothers wedding after all.

ditto.

When i was at your stage of transition I would have opted out unless she reached out to me personally. There's no way I would have risk being a distraction or a target at her wedding. Had I gone, I would have regretted caving into the pressure of coming as someone else too.

I dont know if this is an answer to anything, it's simply based on  my own experience and family dynamics. YMMV

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk

I'm so sorry that you had to experience this. Two years ago when I was starting my transition, my sister was getting married for the second time to the man she had recently had a baby out of wedlock with. My religious very religious family told me that they had invited <insert dead name here> and not Jess. They didn't want me to be a distraction. My brother-in-law, he's a marijuana grower. So go figure.  Hang tough girl and don't let them get you down.

Quote from: AnneK on May 07, 2017, 07:10:43 AM
What does your niece say?  I always thought it was the bride & groom who decided the guest list.

Bev didn't get an invitation from the niece.  That says it all right there.

It sounds like you were planning on going to the wedding presenting as a male before your brother said what he said, so why would what he said ruin your plans to go presenting as male? I understand his statement didn't validate you as transgender, but if it were me I would attend to support my family and Neice on her special day presenting as male as you had originally planned.

Sent from my SM-T530NU using Tapatalk

As for my niece, her comment was she didn't understand transgender but it was my life.  But that was only after I reached out to her on Facebook which in itself hurt a little.  When she was much younger, I tried to spend as much time with her as I could and do things with her while my brother and sister-in-law were deployed during Desert Storm (both were 82nd).  I guess the best way to describe how my niece feels is to say she is ambivalent toward me unlike her younger sister who, the night she read my letter, called me and said, "I just wanted to tell you I love you Aunt Bev."

Deb and I did get an invitation to the wedding but we sent back the RSVP as unable to attend even before I talked with my sister-in-law. That was simply so that I didn't have to interact with my brother as he is going to have to reach out first. Maybe that's shallow of me but it's the way it is. 

Your brother did not want you there he wanted someone else. I am sorry you had to go through this.

If my brother said that, I'd just laugh at him and go anyway, however I wanted. What's he gonna do, have me thrown out? With what, imaginary thugs? Ruin his own wedding with a huge bigoted rant? Quietly tell me he doesn't want me there? I'd laugh at him again and  treat his words like the joke they are.   

Quote from: EmmaLoo on May 07, 2017, 11:51:39 AM
When i was at your stage of transition I would have opted out unless she reached out to me personally. There's no way I would have risk being a distraction or a target at her wedding. Had I gone, I would have regretted caving into the pressure of coming as someone else too.

I dont know if this is an answer to anything, it's simply based on  my own experience and family dynamics. YMMV

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk

I agree. This is not your day.  Ask you're niece and double check with her as the date gets closer if she said yes the first time.

Remember receptions typically involve too much booze.  I doubt you would want to be the center of a scene.

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk