Ow well my wife has walked out & left me, she said that it feels like the marriage had just been a lie a shame I told her this was not true I do love her but I thought like a lot of MTF if I just cross dress it will be fine that it might go away with age but its not enough any more I was just fed up of all the anger the suicidal depression so I saw a therapist, boy I,m regretting that a little now all the little " you should of kept your mouth shout" are calling in my head, she feels betrayed can I blame her not really I was very stupid to thing are marriage would last after this I feel totally heart broken I,ve lost my best friend, at this very moment thinking of all the ways to easily take my own life but theirs a small piece in my head saying I need to see this out I other worlds I need to hang on until I am on hrt  it might make a difference, I,m like any other trans coming out I want to be a women but I want my wife as well, some people it works out for but I,m not one of those,s.😥😥😥😥😥😥

I'm in close to the same position as you and have been for nearly three years. My wife never walked out but she originally said that she would only stay until my transition is complete. A year ago she told me that she wants a divorce but wanted nothing else to change. A year later she's done nothing regarding the divorce although she still brings it up. We still live together and we're still best friends.

I'm not telling you that your life will go as mine did. I am telling you that there's still hope.

I'm so sorry for you. Time may change things. My wife and I are somewhat seperated. Sometimes she calms down and still says she loves me but often I am left in the cold. Our relationship has been very often where I have had to be the codependent one to keep it going. For her the option of leaving always seemed casually available. In truth, I needed her more than she emotionally needed me. She is still my best freind when she feels like wanting to be around me, but anything can set off her angry side.

The other day we were fighting. She brought up the living a lie thing. She still thinks like I was a different person. It's nuts really. In the middle of it, I shouted "it was me" and I said I tried over and over to act the way she said a man ought to act to his wife. This need to have me be sexually interested at all times. Throughout our years I never measured up to what she said a man should be. Yet it seems like she has a strong distain for guys in general. I asked her why I was never enough. I still thought I was a man, I knew there was some girl wiring in my head all those years but when we met I was just me. Why couldn't the man I was be enough? Why does a man have to be something in particular? These things I said and have thought so many times.

Except for our interactions I am finding my days being happier/closer to happy? I'm finding myself and not subjugating my personality to her expectations. In so many ways that's what I did for society my whole life.

Don't hurt yourself. The momentary depression will pass. I know it all too well. About every time we fight I feel hopeless and just want to not exist anymore. But then another day starts, if you let it.
Hugs

Every new beginning comes from some others beginning end. If things did not end we would be tangled up in some many things we would be unable to move. This is just the start of a beginning with endless possibilities.

Just stay strong love and go with the flow. Change is an incredible journey and as one door closes another shall surely open. I am actually amazed at myself for just how many clichés i got in that sentence but I meant every word *grins* I wish you well from the bottom of my heart and I will light a candle for you and ask the goddess to watch over you x

xxx
Nooms

I wish I had transitioned years ago now when I was single I did think about it but now I,ve Ruined two life's, I now know I haven't the strength to see this through, this life is too draining for me, hopefully to night I will close my eye's for one last time, I don't want to feel like this any more.

I don't think you have ruined any lives. You are both healthy and alive, it's just life now has a different path to follow.
You are both going through bereavement and it takes time for those heavy emotions to lift. Please give yourself some time and ride out the storm until you can make a clear choice for where you head.
You have a chance to live this life how you want and it could be with your wife or it may not be.
Please hold hope that when the dust settles you may still be best friends.
I have found that when coming out to your partner it takes a long time for them to get a handle on the whole situation. My wife and I are really just flatmates and cling to the hope that things will get better. Everyday the gap between us closes somewhat but it is never the same as it was. We are trying to see if a new relationship can grow.
Please stay strong. We are all here for you.
Hugs Sue

Don't think of it as ruining a life. That is too harsh. I'm in a similar situation which appears to have taken a downward trend today. You have to think about your life and whether you will regret not moving forward with your life on your deathbed. When I started HRT I told my wife that living my life as a guy was the equivalent of jumping off a bridge in slow motion over the course of a lifetime and I could not continue to go down that path.

It might take time for it to sink in or she might go a drastic route. Our lives are not easy. Not easy for us and not easy for our spouses. My wife wants the man she married not a woman. She's not ready to be in a lesbian relationship. That may change over time or not. I'm not saying that if she leaves I'm not going to miss her but, I can't continue to live a lie to satisfy others.

Give this all a lot of thought. Time is all we have. It may seem like the sky is falling all around us but we need to decide just how long we can tolerate our lives in their broken state to keep others happy. It's not a good tradeoff and with every passing day, inaction hurts more.


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I,ve spent all evening just looking at my self in the mirror I will never make a good woman I just look like long haired guy in a dress & besides I,m still attracted to women so what right minded lesbian would want to be with me, I should of not been selfish & kept my big month shout.

It doesn't work that way. The reason why you came out is because the pressure has built to the point that it can no longer be contained. Yes, you may have held it back a few more weeks or months but at some point, you will have to deal with it. Many of us reach the point were we consider taking our own life. Others because really nasty people attempting to contain what we feel and still others end up with intensive mental care. You are at the bottom right now and you have two options. You can stay where you are or you can go up. I suggest you have a talk with your therapist and start planing your next move. The worst thing you can do is stew in the emotions you are now feeling. The best thing you can do is rebuilding your life.

You are still you, and your personality is what will attract someone. You probably don't want to date somebody who only cares about your body (easy for me to say).

Don't take a drastic step. Ending your life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem (cliche alert).

Can you talk to a therapist? There are usually crisis help lines available any time. We need you to stay with us.

Love
Randy

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I don't think I ever I felt so alone in this world I thought I was a strong person I have been thought the works " raped multiple times as a young child,  reformed alcoholic, survived a serious car accident " even a time when my heart was restarted after a suicide attempted but now I,m just like ice cream out in the sun, my wife feels betrayed is she right?

Remember the part of the wedding vows that went "In sickness and in health". You can't be expect to be the only one who sacrifices in your marriage. Maybe over the long term, she might not be able to live with you but she is hardly trying to make this work. You on the other hand are seeing a therapist and I suspect if the therapist offered a pill that made these feeling go away, you would take it.

It's going to hurt for a while but with work, life will get better.

I'm sure everyone here has experienced what you're feeling at one time or another. But when you think of ending your life there's one thing you should think about before you make any kind of rash decision: when you feel like giving up, just remember the reason for why you held on so long.

Stars can't shine without darkness.

Sara,

  I've been in that dark place where you are now. It took me better than two years to recover from  my daughter leaving home no longer talking to me, my wife of more that 20 years divorcing  me, being laid off from my job after 18 years, and my Dad dying. I was one messed up person and wanted to end it also. But I survived and had even worked up a good relationship with my daughter again. I've had cancer 3 times now and told I had 3 to 6 months left to live. I went through a 5 week treatment that could have put an end to my life a couple years ago. But I am still here.
  Had I given up I would never have know I was trans, I would not have started HRT, and I wouldn't have all the friends here helping me through my little challenges.  I may still have only a short time left on this world but I am finally working to become that woman I had only wished I was for so many lost years.
  I am not giving up on that dream now that I have had a small taste of it. Heck no I am going to live the rest of my life in pursuit of becoming that woman. I do n't know how much time I mat have left on this earth but I will live it as myself and no longer as the male imposter I was.

  Don't let this be the end of your dream Sara. Fight for what you know you want. Survive!

Hugs,
   Laurie

Laurie sounds like you & me have been through the wars I,m so glad your still around I wish I had an ounce of strength you have have one tuff cookie hey.

Quote from: coldHeart on May 12, 2017, 01:19:32 PM
Laurie sounds like you & me have been through the wars I,m so glad your still around I wish I had an ounce of strength you have have one tuff cookie hey.

  It's not so much strength as it is finding the will to live. Putting one foot in front of the other and taking that step forward again instead of letting the despair run your life. Had I pulled the trigger on the shotgun in my mouth or ran into those many overpasses, I would never have gotten things patched up with my daughter, given her away at her wedding, been able to know my 5 grand children. Giving up is no longer an option. I have a new life to live. It has it's own unique problems to deal with. But if I can fight and win 3 bouts with cancer, I can fight to be who I was meant to be.
  You can too Sara, It's a fight we can win against all odds. It might take a little help from our friends, but we can win.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Ultimate dilemma. Often its your wife or you. Be selfish, or self-denial.
Very little black & white..which is when your therapist is invaluable

Quote from: Laurie on May 11, 2017, 10:14:41 PM
Sara,

  I've been in that dark place where you are now. It took me better than two years to recover from  my daughter leaving home no longer talking to me, my wife of more that 20 years divorcing  me, being laid off from my job after 18 years, and my Dad dying. I was one messed up person and wanted to end it also. But I survived and had even worked up a good relationship with my daughter again. I've had cancer 3 times now and told I had 3 to 6 months left to live. I went through a 5 week treatment that could have put an end to my life a couple years ago. But I am still here.
  Had I given up I would never have know I was trans, I would not have started HRT, and I wouldn't have all the friends here helping me through my little challenges.  I may still have only a short time left on this world but I am finally working to become that woman I had only wished I was for so many lost years.
  I am not giving up on that dream now that I have had a small taste of it. Heck no I am going to live the rest of my life in pursuit of becoming that woman. I do n't know how much time I mat have left on this earth but I will live it as myself and no longer as the male imposter I was.

  Don't let this be the end of your dream Sara. Fight for what you know you want. Survive!

Hugs,
   Laurie

Wow. What a lot you've come through