While I've only been on HRT for about 3 months so far, and haven't had a lot of physical changes that people would notice unless they were really looking for them, I have a feeling that many who see me are getting the impression that something is going on with my appearance. Most of my facial hair has now been removed (at least the non-grey stuff), and I haven't cut my hair in about 14 months. Taken together, these two things have really changed my appearance and I wonder how many people are noticing. My feeling is many more than I think. I'm constantly catching long looks, not just from some co-workers, but also random strangers on the street and in public. This never happened before I started to transition. While it's exactly the reaction I want when I'm out in public, I wonder how long I'll be able to reasonably hide my transition at work, even with keeping my hair back tight in a ponytail and trying to not act feminine.

My question to the other women out there: did you find out after the fact that your attempts to hide your transition from certain people didn't work as well as you assumed?

My wife recently broke the news to a gay couple who are very good friends of ours. They both noticed the changes to my appearance very early on, and one of them guessed that I may be transitioning when I was quite early on into the process. It kind of freaked me out, thinking that at least some of my co-workers are also having similar thoughts.

When I started growing my hair long, I had someone say they started noticing me more, thinking I was a more attractive guy. Mostly  people made comments about my going 'hippy.' Some seemed to be irritated that my hair wasn't short any more. Once people knew the reason, everyone said, "Oh, I had no idea." I was on HRT  only six months then. In many ways, it is easier when people know. People were great.
Moni

Quote from: Sofie L on May 13, 2017, 09:35:08 PM
...did you find out after the fact that your attempts to hide your transition from certain people didn't work as well as you assumed? ...

It wasn't that way for me. I don't know exactly what people thought as I began hair removal and all that. They definitely noticed the weight loss (went from like 225 down to about 170). Then I started wearing skinny jeans and some rings and bracelets. I also started getting into more colorful jeans... these were huge steps for me mentally but on hindsight I smile when thinking of how micro these steps were. I mean, one day I had a guy dress shirt on with a women's watch I simply loved kept hidden under the long sleeve... that day was a huge day for me! ...but nobody saw it because it was hidden. LoL    (Seriously though... I suffered a little because I wanted to be someone who just wore something like that and was happy about it, let it show,  not thinking much about it during the day... today I am like that... it's much better now.)

I didn't have worries about, nor was I trying to avoid boy fail as much as I had disbelief I could feminize to any reasonable degree. In those earlier stages, the big thing for me was to continue forward regardless... continuing always led to positive forward progress. But come to think of it, back then if I wore a women's watch in a hidden manner, I guess that's sort of what you're talking about... I was trying to express while also trying to hide. It's just where I was at... but I'm glad to be past that.

I think the big dilemma for me was wondering if I appeared feminine enough to wear something like that watch. So I worked to transition so I could appear as "normal" as possible... eventually I become both okay with not being perfect, yet wanted to work hard to pass just the same. That's still an ongoing thing but I'm more relaxed about the process.

On hindsight of my own situation, I could easily project in your direction that you shouldn't worry about it, just enjoy the process, but each person has different dynamics, work dynamics, etc., and so I get a sense for your current situation... an exciting time yet all of a sudden you realize they're seeing more than what you had expected. Correct me if I'm wrong, you said "freaked me out" which I totally get but it also seems ultimately like it might be a pleasant surprise... even if it makes you blush a little. 

Hi Sofie,

I started growing my hair out about 5 years ago, and had been incorporating little things every few months, like getting my nails manicured with clear polish, carrying a bag, getting a second hole pierced and wearing more earrings, etc...  More recently, I started getting facial electrolysis, and even had some hair transplants.  I find that people in general either don't pay as much attention as you think, or don't bother to ask about what's going on and why. 

In the end, I think that people didn't really catch on or suspect seriously until I told them.  Remember that what you're doing is for you, and the less you worry about what other people think the better.  Now, there may be particularly dangerous environments, perhaps specific kinds of workplaces that demand some more discretion, so you should always mind your personal safety.  But try your best to live your life, for you, and you'll project the best version of yourself to everyone else. 

Erin

I don't fully pass yet, but a lot of my mannerisms are intrinsically female. I think people pick up on body language more than physical appearance. So you may thing you're hiding things but the way you carry yourself is giving you away.
I was outed at work before I'd even thought about transitioning purely for the fact that I walked like a girl.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Even before hormones, these are some examples of comments when I came out:

• Well, that explains a few things.
• Tell me something I didn't know.
• What took you so long?

And my personal favourite

• Derrr!

This is how I learned that some of us don't hide it anywhere near as well as we think..

Here's my experience. I'm not yet on HRT, and I unfortunately haven't had any facial hair removed yet, and I need that badly! I have a lot of makeup on in my profile picture.

I'll be 60 years old this year. I was married for 10 years, and got divorced in 2011. My wife had no idea I was trans. I had never told anyone, and my appearance has varied over the years. I'm a musician, so I've often had long hair (funny how musicians have long hair).

At the time of our divorce my hair was almost as long as it is now.

A year or so after our divorce I stated thinking about transitioning. I had never thought about it before, but there's a lot more information out there these days. I was kind of on the fence due to my age, but a fully transitioned friend of mine, who's almost my age, convinced me it wasn't too late.

So, I kept growing my hair and also started plucking my brows and I lost a lot of weight. I started dressing more androgynous; mostly black women's skinny jeans and black t-shirts and tops. I changed my eyeglass frames to more unisex but definitely a more feminine look.

One day my ex calls me (we have a daughter so she would see me on a regular basis) and she noticed the change in my appearance. She asked if I was gay! Lol. I explained I was trans and she said "oh! That makes sense now. You were never like any guys I knew and reminded me of a woman. I liked that about you!"  She's bi. I won't go into it here, but she started out supportive and then turned very much unsupportive. But that's a different tale.

But a few times our daughter's school asked her who the woman was with our daughter. Lol. That was me. A few of my daughter's friends thought I was a woman too.

Another day last year, I was with my daughter in a playground. My daughter is 12. A little girl, about 5, was with her dad. I was sitting on a bench. Girl to dad: "I want purple hair like that lady!" Dad: "that's a man, not a lady" girl: "no! It's a lady and I want purple hair!" Dad: "I'm pretty sure it's.... oh it doesn't matter. And yes, you can have purple hair". Lol

More recently my 25 year old son was visiting me. I currently rent a room in I guess what's like a boarding house. There's a shared bathroom and no kitchen or anything like that. I was homeless last year so this was my first apartment since then.

Anyway, I live in Staten Island NY and my landlord lives in Ohio. We have never met, but we talk on the phone. She has web cams in the downstairs hallway to monitor who goes in and out of the building. So my son leaves and I get a phone call from my landlord. She asks "did you give your key to anyone?" No. I've been home all day. My son was just here. "I saw him. But did you give your key to him?" No, we walked to the store and back. "Who was that woman he was with coming in?"  Oh, that was me. (Sounding confused) "no, I saw him with a woman" No, that was me... (I didn't know what to say..) that's how I look. I have long hair" lol. She pauses and kind of stammers "oh!......  your hair is longer than I thought!" Lol. I can tell she didn't know what to say.

I think my son knows too. We haven't discussed it. 

Then last month I was playing with a band, and I had full makeup on (like in my profile picture) and a shaggy fake fur coat. Very glam rock.

The singer of one of the other bands and his wife came up to me to say they liked the band. The wife says "we weren't sure if you were a guy or a girl. I hope you aren't offended by that!" Lol. I said "no, that was the intention.

I had another friend who's a singer I sometimes play with say her drummer asked her if I was trans. She said to me "I hope you don't mind I told him. He likes you, plus it's kind of obvious. You shave your arms and all!"

So, yeah, people notice. And as I said I'm not even on HRT. With no makeup I definitely look like a guy.

I often wonder what the people at my job think. I almost always have my nails painted black or purple. I brought my bass to work one day because I had rehearsal after work, and my boss says "oh, you're a musician?" I said "yes, don't I look like one?" He nervously laughed and said "oh, I guess so. I didn't know..." so obviously he just saw me as a guy kind of dressed like a girl. Lol. 


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For me, no one guessed.  I had the same comment three times: joining a band?

Funny, I'm 55 yo.  My response was, yeah something like that.  To be honest I came out to everyone 4-6 months on HRT and everyone was surprised.  No one had guessed.

Remember this, cis people never think about gender.  It's not on their radar, topically.  The gay couple probably have trans friends and have watched another transition.

Here's another aspect, you want them to secretly forgot it out.  It makes coming it to them easier almost light hearted.

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Rosa told no one. When first started hrt everyone thought i was gay. 6 months in theu thought i was a gay cross dresser 8 months in people were twlling me i looked like a girl instead of a guy. 10 months in people started getting the ideal and started getting question as they noticed my boobs even through my super baggy cloths. Now about every one knows. Some still insist im just a gay crossdresser who just really hot lol. I haven't change my voice yet even though i finally mastered my girl voice.

Although i was not trying to be stealthy, people noticed right away for me. The longer hair, the slightly more feminine dress and shoes, and bracelets also.

Thank you for all your helpful thoughts. I agree that gender isn't on most people's radar. Yes, I work in a very masculine profession where many co-workers still aren't even used to women being among them, so I am very careful about dialling back my true self while at work. I make up for that by being and appearing as authentic as possible when off-duty. It's very liberating.

Hi Sofie, we might be in the same professional field I'm guessing.  Anyway, I've been on hrt for almost 2 years but have kept my hair somewhat short for work purposes.  My co-workers have mentioned that I look different or joke around about me looking like a female (I get gendered female by strangers at this point) but I continue to put on the masculine charade and no one thinks otherwise. 


I guess as long as I pretend to be the same person that everyone knew, that is all they see no matter how much I may have changed.

I went to work one day in my new job and I invited the whole 30 person team to sit down in a conference room, made them coffee and tea, as well as a home made cake. Asked them to hit play on the teleconference tv. Then I walked out of the room. Twenty mins later they all came out of the room. A few crying and hugging me others looked confused but had the courage to ask questions in a polite manner.

The video I played them was an animated narrative I drew with the odd voice over from me explain how I was not going to look like me for long as I was undergoing changes and was worried it might confuse people. It had clips from Trans people and intersex people giving advice to others with feeling comfortable to ask them questions in a respectful manner, instead of gossiping and getting more confused. At the end of it I stated I was going to be a female in the next 12 months at work due to my birth condition and having decided I was not going to remain with what the intersex clinic in the UK had prescribed at 1 week old. I advised it would be a slow process where I dressed the same as I always do (I have dressed very androgynous all my life) but my physical appearance will not be as masculine as they had come to know me for.

Three days later I was eating in the work kitchen when two of the girls entered. One said, "We thought you were just a well shaven, long haired guy." I stayed silent and the other said, "Yeah heaps of the other members of the Social Work team thought you were just a very hot well groomed guy that could connect easily with others. But now it all makes sense." I asked what they were implying and they explain:

• My hair was soft, long and well groomed (ok never considered it as a give away) I also play with it a lot??? (ok then!!)
• I was always smiling with other people at work and was empathetic of others (I am a social worker/mental health therapist... I am just that kind of person... but ok I will roll with it)
• I have no facial hair to speak off and I sound like a guy but my pattern of speech is very feminine, as is my way of sitting? (they indicated I use my hand on my neck and chin like a girl when I am resting at the computer doing case notes??? Other odd aspects of my body language were raised too
• 
  I also smell nice compared to sweaty guys (lol)

Other team members said they though I was gay and just accepted that I was more incline to hang with the girls than stand around with the guys!!

So I guess people notice things but it is not easy to piece together.