After reading AMORE's brilliant post "I,m starting to accept reality" I feel compared to write a post, I have been thinking processing chewing over the last few days where MY REALITY is at the moment, my gender dysphoria has cost me very dearly my wife! My friends! soon to be home! & perhaps my life, I have been living this lie for so long it became me like an addition I was thinking about it 24/7 day in day out I knew at some point I could lose my wife, the GD was tearing me in two ever I told her & I might lose her or me being so self loathing so depressed she would go them so in any case I was going to lose. I the end I decided to tell her to come clean, as I said in earlier posts at first she was shocked but not surprised she was understandably upset for a fees days but slowly we became to talk she was anger I had lied to her all this time but stated if this the way I must go to try & save the relationship then try that route, I saw my therapist who suggested I try HRT it was something I dreamt of but when my wife asked how I got on I had to tell the truth no matter how hard remember no more lies well she did a complete u turn on me now she hates me loaths me can I blame her not really I should of come clean years ago anyway now she has left me, the pain I felt was to over whelming I sat most of that night with my my trusty old shotgun I sat in my garden with my bubby writing & replying to posts on the forum "its not Worth it & don't throw it all away there is hope" came some replys slowly through the tears I could see pass them the girls were right it would come right with help, support & time I HAD A FUTURE, right I thought this is a new being I had the house to myself (apart from the cat) but as much as I wanted to be Sara I could not bring myself to dress up or be her, the following day after hours sobbing the night away I marched up stair & got out my girliest outfit I had then the next hour or so applying make up it felt so dam good to be her again like a long lost lover I embrace Sara with open arms. Things we're great only the cat was slightly miffed but I Sara made the fatal mistake of looking in that full length mirror in the hall how stupid could she have been, she looked in & starring back was me a long haired guy wear a dress with a little too much eye shadow, The gender dysphoria kick in big time " I started to accept reality " I could never be a woman not even an ugly one at that yes I,m petite with very long hair but that's were it ends I could never carry it off I don't have the confidence or money so its now dawned on me I have no wife, friends, become even the nearest trans group is too far to travel so not support what so ever I have come this far only to stall I can't go forwards or turn back time so do I face a life being in limbo land not male not female who am I what the ->-bleeped-<- have I become, to add insult my GP has told me I might have to wait 18-24 months for HRT ( ow the joys of the UK health system) call me a little inpatient but that is far too long a wait so at the moment its a recluses life for me,I am not posting this for sympathy for your hugs I am posting this to reminded people sometimes even with hard work it just,s doesn't work out I,m one that's slipping the net so to speak, do I have a future as a male No do I have a future as Sara I really don't know do I have a future full stop? I wish I was one of the brave women like most of you on here are me well I just me..weak. Sorry for the rant & no doubt some are thinking "ow god her she goes again" but on my side it had to be said. Night all. X

It has been a while since science class, but if I remember things correctly, coal when under pressure and extreme heat changes into a diamond. If you feel like coal, that is under extreme pressure and heat, then you will come out a diamond on the other end, it just takes time.

Hello Coldheart, I understand the pain you are feeling, I lived it.

Right now you are going through an awful lot change in a short period of time. You have lost much of what you cared about and are hurting. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

My wife and daughter rejected me. I am to be divorced very soon; when the divorce was first happening I was destroyed. I am ok now and I will get through it.

Beauty is internal. Confidence is learned through a large number of small victories one step at a time.

Truth is, I am scared of the future to. Transition requires hard work and expanding your thinking about yourself and others. You may want to find some queer friends and they can become your new family.

I am sorry you were sitting with a shotgun. I use to sleep with one. It is still in my bedroom and I often have it in my lap as I weigh the positives and negatives before or just after an event. It has grown to be a symbol now, mostly. The shotgun has become my ability to decide my future. I have always chosen to do what feels good. I am better off than I was 5 years ago and I have been finding happiness at times.   I have a much more congruent feeling of self.

Perhaps others here can help you maneuver a quicker NIH route.

I wish you would seek out help t handle your recent losses and process the pain.

Hi Sara,

  Laurie here, remember me? I want you to know you are no the only one to look into that mirror and not be able to see yourself. I had the same sort of depressing experience not too long ago. I posted about it and got help wih it in my post "I can't see me"
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,221241.msg1959046.html#msg1959046

   "I Sara made the fatal mistake of looking in that full length mirror in the hall how stupid could she have been, she looked in & starring back was me a long haired guy wear a dress with a little too much eye shadow, The gender dysphoria kick in big time"

   Mine was the same scenario as your, I fixed myself up and was happy with the results until I later walk by the mirror and saw an old man in a wig looking back at me. I was really bothered by it as told in my post. Many people here helped me and I discussed it with my gender therapist several days later. The depression does pass.
   You are not that pathetic man in the mirror, that is a caricature of your dysphoria. You are the woman in your dreams. That woman can only come out with your help. The dysphoria strives to keep her hidden. Don't let it win.
   When you are having difficulties talk to someone. Come here and post about it so we can help bolster your resolve,  PM someone, PM me. talk to your therapist if you have one. If you don't have one get one.
   What ever you do, don't give in. And keep that damn shotgun barrel out of your mouth! They taste awful! Yes I do know how they taste, Thankfully I didn't pull the trigger, for if I had Laurie would never have been born.

Hang in there and Hugs,
   Laurie

I am exactly where you are and at the same age, I am struggling to continue on and I am on the 2yr waiting list in the UK for leeds GIC with no money atm for the private route.

After such euphoria, excitement and some happyiness in coming out to myself and a few around me at xmas its slowly been going down hill from there, I drunkenley came out to my longtime best friend and to say he was upset and gutted is a under statement and thats a friendship now gone and will probally come back in chinese whispers where we live.

My wife is no longer keen on support and has stated she will leave if I go all the way and have GRS surgery.

The dysphoria has been pretty bad this last couple of months and very difficult to deal with but ending anything is not on the cards and I will try work through it, I have to do whats right if not for me then my daughter, I know we have even tougher times ahead but I will be a better person if I follow this through but it will take sometime to get there.

I also atm can not show my femine side I have really let myself go, I look awful in the mirror in a dress and my current make up skills are at the same level as my 4 year old daughter, and I have just taken a step back and currently I am trying to motivate my self to start working on my body ready for hrt, I really need to loose around 4 stone and then hrt will help shape, I got time to put this into action. 2 years dam nhs.

I definetly dont want to spend another 40years as the man I loathe and being extremly unhappy.

Im a UK girl so if you want to keep intouch then PM me and we can help each other through this!

My heart breaks for you. Your story seems to be many people's story.
Would, could, should.

I am at crossroads and this morning I was grieving for my wife..the thought of her pain if I did transition.
It broke my heart as well and makes me think I can't do it to her.
Unlike many I've not reached a point where I can't cope being a man.
It's not what I want..but it's not hell.

For you, it was clear. You have to be Sara. And time will show this was the hard road, but the right one

My goodness how I wish I could come pay you a visit and just talk to you about some things for a while, but Los Angeles to Heathrow is too expensive a ticket for me right now.  So this post will have to do. 

I was afraid of looking ridiculous.  I actually used that as an excuse to convince myself that I was a guy and abandon transition back in 1998/99.  And that was a great fear of mine on this go-round as well.

But I am nothing if not determined, and sometimes downright stubborn.  Long before I started hormones, when I was afraid that hormone therapy was something unreachable, and in fear for my marriage, I tried to sustain myself on crossdressing.  A lot of us do this, I think.  Even Caitlyn Jenner admits to having been a hotel crossdresser for the duration of her last marriage.

I joined a crossdresser website, watched Youtube videos, and made a careful study of crossdressing.  I dieted, exercised and lost weight.  I learned what looked good, what did not, what worked, what did not.

Only after a year of careful preparation and effort with the clothing, did I buy a good quality wig and try it.  Then I started playing with makeup.  I started with cheap drug store makeup until my wife introduced me to expensive, better quality stuff.  I cadged tips from professional makeup artists wherever I could by watching them on Youtube or live in department or makeup stores.

When I finally got up the nerve to look in the mirror, I was stunned by the beautiful girl looking back at me.

If you can, go to MAC cosmetics.  They have two stores in London and one in Northern Ireland.  I mention them because they are transgender friendly, and their makeup is very high quality.  Make a special trip if you have to.  Ask for a makeover.  Tell them you are transgender.  Most important, have fun.

Now let's talk about hormones.  I am 54 years old, and I started hormones when I was 53.  So I am no spring chicken.  Believe me, hormones were worth the wait.  It took some tinkering for my endo to get the dosages right, but, now, after a year on hormones, I am finally free of the panic attacks that I had been suffering for the past ten years.  I am no longer consumed by anger, rage and frustration.  I am more patient, a better listener. I have better intuition, a better ability to read other people.

My wife is not exactly happy with my transition, but we are still together.  As long as I keep practicing law, make the money, and take care of her family in the Philippines, she tolerates my transition.  And to her family and friends, I am just an eccentric old hippie guy with a ponytail.

But, last night, my wife and I went clothes shopping together (we give each other fashion advice).  I wore a feminine sweatshirt, skinny jeans, had my hair pulled back and no make up -- and the girl at the cash register said, "Have a nice evening, ladies!"  I sure was not expecting that.

Don't see the mountain you have to climb.  Just see the next step and take it.  Then take the next one, and the one after that.  If you hit a wall, turn and go around it.  If you come up to a cliff, stop and enjoy the view.  You may never get to where you planned, but you will find along the way that the happiness is in the journey -- and in the little flowers along the way.  Don't forget to stop and smell them.