Sometimes daily life just gets in the way. I go to work, buy the groceries, keep the garden, maintain the house etc........... These are the daily activities that take up my waking day. I do consider myself privileged that I can do all this as there are many who are not so fortunate. However when we are immersed in our daily lives, we can forget who we really are. As we carry on our existence, hiding from ourselves, we rarely have the opportunity for self-expression – that is the way with my life at least.
Periodically I wake up from my life of repetitive activity and realise that I miss who I really am. I'm living my supposed "man life", I'm giving my time to a "man life", and all to the cost of the woman that I am. What I am trying to say is that while I present as a man, I sometimes forget that what really makes me happy is that I am a woman.
Last week I woke up to the painful realisation that I hadn't dressed in female clothes for nearly two months. It's not that I didn't want to or need to, there just was not the time and opportunity (opportunity is important to me as I remain in the closet about my gender). Anyway, opportunity has presented over the past week and I have been able to wear my female clothes again, and will continue to over the coming week. However over the past week I've realised that dressing is not the high that I presumed it was. It is far deeper and more important than a temporary high. It is complete contentment. I am relaxed. I am at peace with myself.
A couple of days ago, I caught a glimpse of myself as I passed the mirror. I went back and took the time to really look at myself.................and I saw who I really am!
I saw no man there; I saw only a woman. I looked into my own eyes as I revealed myself. There are no more questions, no more self-doubts, no more hiding from myself. I am who I am. My name is Ciara, I am 58 years old, I am a transgender woman and I feel really good about that.
