Hello all,

I'm not sure how to introduce myself; I chose Royal Blue for my name here, and I'm not sure whether I want to use my birth name or another name. I think that should give you an idea of where I'm at right now...

I'm 22 and I'm in the process of questioning my gender identity right now. I was assigned female at birth but I never felt like a girl, or anything else, really. It wasn't because I wasn't interested in feminine things, although that's true. I thought gender was just a technicality based on what parts you have, so I never identified with "female", "girl", etc. beyond the basic level of acknowledging I was born that way.

I was a pretty gender-neutral child on the whole, not a tomboy or a girly girl. In general, I wasn't interested in being masculine or feminine, and I tried to avoid one extreme or the other. In middle school I realized I was interested in girls and not boys, so I started identifying as lesbian.

Early on in high school, some of my friends started coming out as transgender. I started thinking about my own gender too. I thought about how I had always been drawn to androgyny and started identifying as genderqueer myself. I loved looking androgynous and hearing that people wondered whether I was male or female. But something about it didn't feel right, so after about six months to a year I went back to identifying as female (sort of).

In college, I grew my hair out, and started trying to wear dresses and makeup, which I hadn't done before. I had been self-conscious about my appearance before, and I hadn't gotten much positive feedback on my appearance when I was presenting more androgynous. But people started telling me I looked cute in dresses and with makeup. This didn't make me happy, exactly, and I didn't like looking at myself in the mirror. But I finally felt like I fit in with my peers, so I kept at it.

As I started to "pass" better as a feminine woman, I started feeling more and more uncomfortable. Female friends would invite me to "girls' nights" and try to get me to do makeup with them, and it felt very, very wrong. I felt like I was lying or wearing a disguise. The breaking point came when a friend told me how cute I looked in a skirt I had reluctantly worn and I almost started crying right there. I stopped wearing feminine clothes and cut my hair short, and the difference was like night and day. I went from barely being able to look at myself to taking a lot of pictures of myself, and friends (and my therapist!) told me unprompted how much more confident and happy I seemed.

The difference was so dramatic that it made me start thinking about my gender again. It made me realize that I have a lot of insecurities and doubts left over from high school, and I think I might have gone back in the closet out of shame. For example, I feel great when I bind, and I even started considering top surgery again, but I don't hate or feel disgusted by my body. I also don't usually feel that upset when I'm called "she" or a woman, either. I wonder if I'm not really trans because I was able to live as female for so long and because my dysphoria is so mild. Maybe I'm just overreacting to normal feelings, or something. I also didn't have a great experience trying to talk to my family about this, so I've been feeling like I should just shove all this away and go back to not thinking about it.

I've been thinking about seeing a therapist (for other issues, but someone who deals with LGBT issues too) and going to a support group for transgender people in my area. But I'm also nervous about coming out, even just to those groups, like I shouldn't do it until I have zero doubts. It also doesn't help that I don't have a label yet.

Basically, I feel like a very androgynous person who is anxious about whether their gender-related feelings are worth taking seriously or not. I hope that talking to folks on here can help me get a better idea of where to go from here.

Hi Royal Blue,

That was a very good introduction and welcome. Yes it is a confusing business, this gender stuff. I would say you should separate out people's reactions from you finding out the truth about yourself. Figure out your path. You don't have to make any grand proclamation of, "I am this, or that." right off. A proper therapist can be a great help with this. Information is your  friend. Fear is your enemy. As far as I have seen in my close to 60 years and from reading on this site, these feelings  don't go away. I would not suggest fooling yourself into thinking this conflict will go away. Running is no answer. You have to figure out what is a good way for you to live and who you are. The nice thing is that you don't have to fit in a nice, neat little category. You can be you, and that is okay. My name is Moni. I hope to see you around the site and good luck to you.

Hi Royal Blue 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

Hiya,
  I could hug you for your post.  You put my thoughts into better wording than I did.  I'm biologically a woman, but it questioning whether I'm more androgynous.  I've always been more of a tomboy, but it's not like being transgender, I just don't really have a solid female or male self image.  I can sort of do the whole woman thing (I did ballet, ice skating, and modeling), but I can sort of do the whole man thing to (soccer, martial arts, swordplay, tree climbing, and my personality has been described as being more male with the whole somewhat more sensitive aggression and protectiveness).  I'm married with a child, and I love my husband, but I'd also love him the same if he was a woman.   Anyway **hugs** and I hope you find what your looking for.

Welcome to Susan's place. Transgender can include somebody without a well defined gender identity or somebody who experiences both male and female identities. Transgender also includes transsexual which is where a person is drive to become the opposite gender. In short, you have found the right place for self discovery as we deal with anybody who's gender identity isn't an exact match for their body.

Hi Royal Blue

  I'm Laurie, I'm an old fart that used to be just a crossdresser for a long long time and it was enough. Or so I believed. Similar to you I didn't feel like a woman trapped in a male body. (Though I did wish I could be a girl and later a woman) I tried to fill the role as a boy, then a man, a husband and a father. I tried but didn't do that well at it and ultimately failed at the jobs. My crossdressing helped me escape from that life when it overwhelmed me. I could become a whole different person without those life issues weighing me down. That other person was a woman. As it turns out I fairly recently discovered that woman was me the whole time. I accepted that on December 4, 2016 and started my transition. This time I think I may have gotten it right. It sure feels right.
  All this gender stuff can be confusing, very confusing. Do pursue your gender quest with your therapist. It can be the most important thing you do in your life. It is worth exploring and doing all you can to get it right.

  Oh yeah btw I am also a self appointed unofficial greeter for Susan's Place. As such I would like to welcome you to the Place. (((Hug))) yep you get one of those too, it's part of the package and at no charge to you yet. Isn't that great?!! Come on in and make yourself at home. Coffee and hot water for tea is on the counter, I think there are some sodas in the fridge and there's water int the tap of course. Find a seat and settle down. Read some post after your've read at these nice greeting from the other denizens of Susan's Place. If you see something you want to comment on, please do. Ask your questions. You may just find some helpful answers here. Finally we're glad you are here, Royal Blue, and hope you like it enough here to make it your home.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Thank you all so much for the warm welcome. I had looked around here before joining, but this forum really does seem like a wonderful place. : )

Reading everyone's comments made me feel less anxious about he whole thing. I try to remember that I don't have to have everything figured out, but I still end up feeling like I do a lot of the time. I think for now I want to focus on feeling how I feel without trying to fit it into any boxes.