OK so this is probably going to get long, I apologize, I'm just having a really bad night. Heavy dose of dysphoria and body anxiety.  I've been thinking a lot lately about how much I'm struggling with the impatience of transition.  I know we all go through it, we all want these changes to happen over night and it's hard to wait years for it to happen.  But I've been trying to think deeper on the topic, trying to figure out why it is that I'm so impatient and why the anxiety is so strong that things which should make me happy end up causing me to feel depressed.

I had a revelation today.  I don't know if it's similar to others or maybe we all have different reasons for why we feel this impatience and anxiety.  I also don't know if this is the whole explanation or just one factor, but here's where I go to today.

I've been feeling anxious lately over body image while looking at summer fashions.  There's so many great things I wish I could wear but that have deep plunging neck lines and open backs that make them impractical for someone who still relies on breast forms in order to have any bust. So to address this, I started looking at ways to create artificial cleavage and ended up going with the NuBra/Cleavage Creator route.  I bought a pair of cleavage creators (Free Bra, imitation NuBra) from Glamour Boutique.  They showed up today and I was super excited to try them out.  Unfortunately the pushup bra I ordered to wear with them won't be here until the end of the week.

But as I started thinking about it, I became depressed.  I realized that what I was doing was an old crossdresser trick. As stupid as this sounds, that fact which also applies to wearing breast forms and hip padding and other things I do to look more feminine started to make me feel like I was less than a woman.  This sounds really dumb even as I'm thinking it but I feel like I'm faking it as a trans woman right now.  Like I can't be a credible trans woman until I'm comfortable dressing in my clothes without having to use artificial enhancement.  And for me, I don't see that comfort level coming until I've started to develop a bust and more feminine shape.

So it was then that I realized this is directly connected to my impatience with the transition process.  I hate feeling like a phony.  I know in my head that the body doesn't make the woman and there are plenty of women that have flat chests, straight hips, etc, but emotionally I'm still struggling to be comfortable with my current appearance. Maybe this is all obvious and my "revelation" is something that's been hiding in plain sight for me.  I don't know if having identified this is going to help me reduce the anxiety, but it is nice to at least have the source identified.

If it makes you feel any better understand cis-women also use these 'enhancements' to look more feminine.  Think about all the girls you've seen stuff socks in their bras.  Some women HATE the extra padding, some don't have enough.  We come in all shapes & sizes and noone is the media-perfect supermodel.  Even many supermodels aren't supermodels when they lose photoshop, great makeup crews, and perfect lighting/poses.  The struggle is real, but in the end eventually I hope you can come to love your body with all its imperfections. 

Alyssa,
   You are normal and okay. You just opened the cork on the bottle, and you are no longer containing  the feelings you had buried for so long. You are now hungry for everything that you always wanted and never could have. I did the same. My word was' "Pretender." I didn't want anything but the real thing  because I mentally decided to be genuine and I wanted everything now, no wait, 5 minutes ago. Work on what you can about yourself right now. The bad thing about being trans is having to have patience.
Moni

Alyssa,

Welcome to transition! This is only the first of many revelations that you'll have along the journey. If you aren't having this kind of wake-up experience than I'd say you're doing it wrong. Prepare yourself, it's just the beginning.

 Alyssa,
  When I read about you thinking you are a fraud I think hogwash. Get you mind out of that dark corner where the waste water pools. It's not for you. Instead think of that wonderful weekend with your sisters and think it only gets better from there. It's not about the clothes or the enhancements that make you who you are. It's that woman inside still working at coming out. You saw a glimpse of her that weekend and she had such fun. She's still there waiting to come out again. It just takes time.  Boobs will grow, tummys slenderized, hips padded if necessary. You will take care of those things in time and who cares if they need a little help in the mean time?

Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: AlyssaJ on May 22, 2017, 10:17:22 PM
OK so this is probably going to get long, I apologize, I'm just having a really bad night. Heavy dose of dysphoria and body anxiety.  I've been thinking a lot lately about how much I'm struggling with the impatience of transition.  I know we all go through it, we all want these changes to happen over night and it's hard to wait years for it to happen.  But I've been trying to think deeper on the topic, trying to figure out why it is that I'm so impatient and why the anxiety is so strong that things which should make me happy end up causing me to feel depressed.

I had a revelation today.  I don't know if it's similar to others or maybe we all have different reasons for why we feel this impatience and anxiety.  I also don't know if this is the whole explanation or just one factor, but here's where I go to today.

I've been feeling anxious lately over body image while looking at summer fashions.  There's so many great things I wish I could wear but that have deep plunging neck lines and open backs that make them impractical for someone who still relies on breast forms in order to have any bust. So to address this, I started looking at ways to create artificial cleavage and ended up going with the NuBra/Cleavage Creator route.  I bought a pair of cleavage creators (Free Bra, imitation NuBra) from Glamour Boutique.  They showed up today and I was super excited to try them out.  Unfortunately the pushup bra I ordered to wear with them won't be here until the end of the week.

But as I started thinking about it, I became depressed.  I realized that what I was doing was an old crossdresser trick. As stupid as this sounds, that fact which also applies to wearing breast forms and hip padding and other things I do to look more feminine started to make me feel like I was less than a woman.  This sounds really dumb even as I'm thinking it but I feel like I'm faking it as a trans woman right now.  Like I can't be a credible trans woman until I'm comfortable dressing in my clothes without having to use artificial enhancement.  And for me, I don't see that comfort level coming until I've started to develop a bust and more feminine shape.

So it was then that I realized this is directly connected to my impatience with the transition process.  I hate feeling like a phony.  I know in my head that the body doesn't make the woman and there are plenty of women that have flat chests, straight hips, etc, but emotionally I'm still struggling to be comfortable with my current appearance. Maybe this is all obvious and my "revelation" is something that's been hiding in plain sight for me.  I don't know if having identified this is going to help me reduce the anxiety, but it is nice to at least have the source identified.

i can relate, before hrt I never thought like that, but after hrt I just couldn't wear my bra inserts anymore because I felt like I wa lieing to everyone.

Thanks for the pick-me-up ladies, it does really help.  It's a struggle I'll fight with for a long time yet I'm sure.  Laurie, I know everything you said is true in my mind, but it's the emotional side that's tough.  Moni you put it perfectly, I want everything to be genuine.  Angelique you also touch on exactly how I feel.  It does almost feel like I'm lying or not being true to myself by using forms and padding and crap.  I need to get over it, I know that, but it's going to take me some time. 

Laurie it's funny you bring up the trip with my sisters because I've got another one coming up this weekend with them.  My younger sister and I are getting Mani/Pedi's before we head up to Madtown for a couple days with our older sister. I'm sure that time spent with them will help me past this little bit of a funky mood.

You ladies are all great, I really appreciate the responses.  You always know how to make a girl smile

Quote from: AlyssaJ on May 23, 2017, 12:02:29 AM


Laurie it's funny you bring up the trip with my sisters because I've got another one coming up this weekend with them.  My younger sister and I are getting Mani/Pedi's before we head up to Madtown for a couple days with our older sister. I'm sure that time spent with them will help me past this little bit of a funky mood.

  Alyssa,

  You know I brought up up because I'm jelly...

Go have another wonderful weekend with your sisters girl. Make me jelly again and get over this fraudulent feel you got. Go have fun. I'll think of you getting that mani/pedi whilst I'm having my face tortured for 2 hours. You know I'll hate you... lol

Don't make me ask Georgette to send you some of her special cookies...

Hugs,
   Laurie

😊😊 Glad that you are feeling better.

Also very glad that you brought this up. I had so much trouble with this in the beginning. I punished myself like it sounds like Angelique did. It made me push harder. Started to only use my voice long before I came out. Went full time long before there was any hope of passing.

Even if I don't pass, I don't feel like a fraud anymore.

Fake it till you make it was one of my Grandma favorite sayings. When I was in the army my drill sergeant said it even better, fake it till you become it. "Fake" was still at the core of it though. How could I be a woman if I had to fake it? Everything is right, I am where I am supposed to be so why do I feel so bad? It was because I felt like a fraud.

We are all faking till we make it. We are all an imperfect imitation until one day it is part of us. It is easier to see in the young because they haven't learned to be self conscious about it. We are all, trans or not, imitating what we want to be. Is the little boy who follows his father, doing everything he does a fraud? No. Is the 12 year old girl who pads her bra a fraud? No. Is the aspiring dancer a fraud for doing everything a successful dancer does? No.

Look at all the years little people are learning to be big people. My nephews hadn't made it yet when they were 18. We demand so much of ourselves because the dysphoria drives us. Which is okay, but maybe we can let go of that self conscious adult mentality long enough to have some of the skills, traits, physical attributes to not feel so much like a fraud.

Whatever Gets You Through the Night. John Lennon, smart man. Shot in the back, very sad.
We have to live it to one day be passable. Padding, makeup, wig or whatever it takes to keep us going is a good thing. It doesn't make anyone a fraud, just makes us like everyone else.

Comb-over.
Girdle.
Training wheels.
Hair extensions.

Not fraud.

Michelle acting like she knows anything. 😉 Okay maybe a little fraud. 😁

Patience is hard, but hang in there.

We older transitioners may have an edge when it comes to patience.  If I could wait 60+ years for my boobs, being able to grow a set in 4 months is miraculous.  (Okay, they're still little, not even an A cup yet, but they are definitely boobs, not moobs.)

But I hear what you are saying about being real.  When I first started dressing part-time, I bought a bra with a B cup and stuffed it with socks.  It was fine at the time, but when my own breasts started growing, I wanted to be more real.  So now I wear an off-the-shelf padded bra with nothing but me in it.  This whole transition is about becoming more myself, more real.  Ditching the socks may have made my appearance a bit less flattering, but a lot more real.

It is kind of a compromise between staying real and presenting a convincing enough appearance to stay safe.  I'm not saying I pass, but I like to create sufficient doubt to forestall potential redneckery.  Once I grow a bit more, I'll get rid of the padding and then what you see will be what you get.

Fraud?  Yeah, the only time you were being a fraud was when you were trying to live as a dude. Wearing padding doesn't make you less of a woman. Just like wearing a packer doesn't make me less of a man.  Sometimes we have to use prosthetics to be who we really are. Don't let it get you down.
Lucas