Ok to start with when I was 15ish I had a pituitary tumor that caused me to have a lot of T and a lot of E and I honestly haven't felt comfortable with myself since then. I've always liked stereotypical male things more than female. I think I owned only one doll as a kid and settled for toy animals since my mother wouldn't let me have anything she deemed "violent", so no action figures, nothing. I've loved comics forever and action movies and stuff. I used to have a buzz cut and wear only guy clothes and stuff but the tumor made my chest grow way too big and my mom was pressuring me to be more girly and I just kind of caved on it cause... Well it would be easier in many ways to stay female. Especially after the freak out she had when I came out as bi.

Since the tumor went inactive I feel on occasion, every few weeks or months, just wrong. I get super depressed and hate that I don't have a dick, not necessarily that I have a female downstairs, just that I didn't have a penis, especially for sexual reasons. l and just kind of try to remind myself how complicated my life would be if I perused it and how I don't even know how I feel to begin with. I'm not really female but am I male? Is this legit gender dysphoria or am I needing my meds changed and its dismorphia? But it always comes back, even after med changes or increases.

This year I ended a very toxic and emotionally messed up relationship with my mom mainly due to her continual lying and inability to admit, even passively to admit to the abuse she perpetrated to my sister and I. Now I don't have mom pressuring me to be the womb to her grandkids... Maybe it's time, at 30, to move on it.

My bf already knew I had issues with gender for the last about 6 years. I told him I plan to talk to my psych and maybe go on hormones and he said he's not going anywhere if I do. But I don't know if I can believe that. Like if I get a beard will he still be around? He might think he would but you never know. I can't imagine being a straight cis guy, who falls for a woman with breasts and who wears dresses and then wake up next to a man...

All I know is I'm not happy as I am and the last time I was ok with how I was was, enough to look in the mirror, and honestly go outside without really caring what others thought was when I was full of T.

And then I got into wrestling and like wow. I want to be that. I want to be them and it's really messing me up all over again. I want that beard, I want want to be that.

I still have a lot of shame about these feelings, I think partly because it's been so ingrained in me to be "mom's little princess" and partly because, well, I see some of the internet stuff on like 70 genders, really arguably toxic people I've seen on twitter and tumblr and the like that are trans or insist trans is a choice that people just CHOOSE, like picking a new pair of shoes or something and stuff. I just get kind of scared people will see me as some kind of political radical. I get these people are exploring themselves and just being them, but there's some base cringe I feel, like I low key can't deal with how that kind of thing is to me, making me feel like they're undermining the seriousness of the thing into just set decoration. I don't know if that makes me a bad person.

I honestly don't know what to think, but I see my psych in June, and I plan on bringing these feelings up again and see if he thinks this is linked to my mental health BS or if my mental health BS is in part just me dealing with this.

You said you aren't happy as you are and that medication doesn't help your feeling of dysphoria.  I would say you're trans. Best thing would be to see a gender counselor.  If your bf really loves you he might be ok with it if you transition. But he might not. I'm not qualified to suggest that you do something one way or the other. I can tell you that feelings of dysphoria don't go away no matter how much you try to bury them. If you need to transition but don't because you are afraid of losing your bf you might end up resenting him down the road. Sorry you're having these problems. Gender counseling can help a lot. Good luck.
Lucas

Something you might consider is the transgender feeling is tied to our birth sex hormone. You might keep track of your periods and you may discover you feel the worst around the time of your period. After that, estrogen levels drop and you may feel better until the next cycle. A gender therapist will be a big help because you need to break from your current live and decide on a new path. It's a difficult decision but it will be worth the trouble.

Quote from: Dena on May 23, 2017, 04:52:16 PM
Something you might consider is the transgender feeling is tied to our birth sex hormone. You might keep track of your periods and you may discover you feel the worst around the time of your period. After that, estrogen levels drop and you may feel better until the next cycle. A gender therapist will be a big help because you need to break from your current live and decide on a new path. It's a difficult decision but it will be worth the trouble.

I've noticed I feel the worst parts of it closer to ovulation, when ->-bleeped-<- gets all gross and leaky and just makes me generally hate things about the downstairs. I don't necessarily hate what's down there, it feels incomplete. Like where is the rest of it. I'm planning on getting a referral and going to the local LGBT centre's T and Questioning night.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

I think getting hooked into your local trans and questioning community is a great idea.  It's what I've done, and I've really appreciated the support and information I've gotten.  I also agree that getting a gender therapist is really important.  Therapists with other specialties are better than nothing, but it's really great to have someone who knows the territory you're in and what your journey might entail. 

Absolutely take your time in determining what you want--I'm not going to try to influence you in any direction.   I will say that for me, when I finally gave up on forcing myself to try and be female I felt SO much better, even without medical interventions or even being 100% out.  I had no idea how much dysphoria was dragging me down until it started to go away.  It's possible that exploring your gender identity will soon lift a huge weight off your back.  Good luck.