Hi everyone,

I'm 36 years old, born male, Californian, and I'm here because I am seriously questioning my gender identity.  I have a fairly queer family, my younger brother is FTM, my mom came out as Lesbian when I was a teenager.  I have never been what you'd call a 'manly man,' in fact, I've often found myself pretty low on the social ladder when I'm in groups of men.  I've just never been able to compete, and I'm old enough now to know that I don't really want to.  That game isn't for me. 

I've always been a bit effeminate.  I learned ways to mask it and hide, for a sense of safety.  The older I've gotten, the more I've let some of these learned behaviors go, but I see them come back sometimes, and I realize it's still a part of me.  Ways of pretending to be more masculine, so that I can satisfy the expectations of others.

The expectations of others matter a lot to me.  I always thought this was normal, but in therapy, I've seen that it's almost a daily, minute by minute concern.  I am very anxious and have been depressed lately, which is why I went back to therapy.  In my previous years, I had not really touched on gender as a subject, but I've found this to be a sticking point for me in this latest round.

My family is generally supportive, though it's taken a long time to get here.  My dad publicly congratulated his 'youngest son' (my brother) which was a wonderful gesture of public acceptance that really warms our hearts.  My parents divorced when I was a teenager and it really took a toll. 

Okay, wow, I slipped into full Bio mode.  I'm going to try an reign that in a bit. 

Okay, so, anyway, like I said, I'm questioning.  I have wondered a lot about my identity, though I have lived as a straight cis man for my whole life.  And then, recently, I stumbled upon that new Face App.  And while I must say right away that the thing is **fraught** with problems, it is able to create a female image of myself that moves something deep inside of me.  I can't ignore that feeling. 

Being that I am in my late 30s, the clay is drying on much of my life.  I'm not sure where or how I will express myself.  I am not out to anyone but my therapist and... well now and you all too.  Thanks for listening. 

I hope to post more, but this is all I can muster at the moment.  Thank you

Congratulations on having the bravery to tell your story. Thank you for sharing and welcome 

It sounds like you have some difficult decisions ahead but I think it is very encouraging that you have a supportive family.

Thank you for your response.   Yes, I do have a lot of tough decisions.  Right now, I am dipping my feet into the pool.  I have always had a hard time jumping in.  I mean that literally, but I think it applies as a metaphor. 

I do have a supportive family, but I worry for them.  I am thrilled that my Dad has come around to accept and celebrate my brother, and I have to admit I didn't expect it.  Yet, I feel like I couldn't ask him to do the same for me.  That said, My family overall are the people I can rely on.  To tell you the truth, my outlook varies with my mood.

I have so many thoughts and feelings.  I hope to send some of these out into this forum.  If I do decide to move forward, I know I will need a community more than ever.   

I don't know if I am transgender or perhaps BiGender.  I had not heard of that term before I found it on these forums.  I like the idea of bi-gender.  While I feel a pull toward femininity, I am not completely alienated from my masculinity.  Sometimes I feel okay with it.   I don't have a ratio worked out or anything    But I know that my feminine qualities are under-expressed.  I know it when I imagine myself as a woman and I get this crazy feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It's a bad feeling and it's also good. Makes me shudder.   

I have been searching for answers for a long time.  For a while, I thought I might be on the Autism Spectrum.  I thought if I could just crack that code, then I would know what I am.   I might still be... but idunno...

I am working on this stuff in therapy and I know that I have a lot of work to do.  I guess I don't have much real experience to share.  I'm just tired of keeping it all to myself.  I will open up to those I'm closest with soon. 

I appreciate reading the stories and feelings here.  I hope to continue to tell and re-tell my own personal story, so that I can know it better and better understand who I am.  Thanks

Hi, Deb Roz!  Welcome to the site.

I certainly sounds like you are doing the right thing by working through this stuff with a therapist.  I found that to be tremendously helpful.

That Face App?  Yow.  I was pretty thoroughly disturbed by the results.  They looked great, but I don't think they are medically possible to achieve.  Bone work has it's limits!   I did find the darn app to be a great way to re-trigger dysphoria. Be careful with it.

I'm glad you have a supportive family.  It is interesting that your immediate family has so many gender-variant members.  That sort of hints at a possible genetic cause, which I know some researchers have looked at.

Taking your time, having patience with yourself at this point while you work with the therapist to find your way seems like a reasonable approach right now.  I think you're going to do just fine.

I hope you feel welcome here.

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Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

Hi Deb Roz 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi Michelle, Hi V_M, thank you for welcoming me.

Michelle, I appreciate your warnings about the internet never forgetting.  It is very good for me to consider that as I move forward.  At this stage, it would almost be a relief if this information got out, because I am carrying it alone and it is stressful.  That said, I am a lucky one.  I think things are mostly stable and supportive.  I should be talking to my loved ones about my dysphoria and about my gender questions.  I believe I will find support.  Baby steps. 

Thank you also for your concerns about the face app.  It is fairly addictive, and can deliver empty promises.  I appreciate that it woke something in me, but I have found myself obsessing in an unhealthy way.  I found a topic about it her on the forums and I shared my opinions and concerns:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,222862.msg1983003.html#msg1983003

I will peruse the links you provided.  Good to know the rules and edequite so as to not put my foot in my mouth, and to be a good community member

this is already a great relief.  Thank you

I have a random, funny question, as someone who is as new as they come.

I chose a username, which is going to kind of be my online femme persona.  But now I already want to change it!  I guess the problem is, since I am not transitioning at this time, and am merely a baby in terms of acknowledging my genderqueerness;  I can expect to want to change my name again.  And then if I ever were to transition, I would be presented with a much more important name change.

Is it common to not settle on a name?  It seems like it should be especially confusing to change my name in this forum, so I should probably just stick to my first name.  I like it fine, but I know it won't be the name I choose if I were to move forward with any kind of transition...

I've probably just had too much coffee.  I need to take a step back

Welcome to Susan's Place. Moderators can change your name for you so contact one if you want it done. You are limited to 2 name changes a year because as you said, there are people who can't make up their mind and we don't want to spend all our time changing names. In my case, about 1979 I was asked for the first time which name I wanted to use and I said Dena and I have used it consistently since. Live with you current name for a few weeks and think about a new one. If a new name really sticks, let us know and we will fix it for you as long as it's not used by somebody else. You can check usage with the Members tab in the upper right hand corner of the screen.

Hi Deb Roz,

First, remember, "A rose by by any other name would smell as sweet!" I am a transgender woman who at this point does not wish to transition for a multitude of reasons that I can tell you about in a private message if you wish. I chose my name because my mother told me that after having two boys, if I was to be a girl my name would be Karen. Since my true gender identity became repressed by my parents at a very young age, I thought it would be fitting to take on the name Karen . Even better, my wife liked the name.

Second, you are very fortunate to belong to an accepting progressive family. It is a large part of the battle to maintain relationships if or when you come out.

Third, take your time with all of this. Discuss it fully with your therapist. You are young still. It took me till the ripe old age of 57 to realize the woman inside my male body.

Finally, don't let the conflict disturb your life too much. Enjoy the feminine side of you wherever it might be on the spectrum. It sounds like you already possess a lot of inner beauty!

Hi Karen,

Thank you for the very sweet compliment! I'm touched. 

I am trying to take things one day at a time.  Some days are harder than others.  I will need to come out to my girlfriend first, since we live together, and she is my main support in life.  Additionally,  I don't want to hide things from her.  I don't like posting incognito.  I am very confident she will be good to me, she is a kind and wonderful person.  However, I feel really bad for putting her in the position of having to reevaluate who I am, and how she feels.  Sigh. 

I am interested to hear more of your story.  Feel free to PM if you would like to talk.  I think we all have a lot to learn from those who have been around longer.  I appreciate you taking the time to check in with me.  Also, is that Tifa from FF7 as your avatar? 

Hiya,
  I'm only bringing this up because you'll were talking about it, but my actual name is Karen.  I think I fit into the more androgynous end of the spectrum, but I'm still new and confused.  i'll help if I can **hugs**

Hi Deb Roz,

  I'm Laurie and mtf also though a bit older than you. I want to say welcome to Susan's Place and invite you to come on in and get comfortable. You are welcome and wanted here.

  With what I've read above you seem to be at that awkward point where you are unsure just what you want to do and where to turn. I'll echo others here in praising your decision to speak to  your therapist. He or she will be able to help you sort things out. Take your time, you're not on the clock here. explore your feelings and desires. be sure of your decisions when you make one. They can and will be life changing. Though you get lots of opinions, advice and related experiences for us, your therapist, and others, those decisions are still yours and yours alone. You are the one that will have to live with them. So do what you can to make the right ones for you Deb.

  Wishing everything you do is what you want to do.

Hugs,
   Laurie
   

Welcome to Susan's ..... I  think you can feel the love already.   just work at your own pace.

Question:

Does anyone  have any suggestions of where I should be posting my thoughts, experiences, questions?   I've been thinking maybe the Non-Binary boards, the Non-transitioning boards, Coming out of the closet boards and of course the MTF talk board. 

I guess since I'm still fully closeted and questioning, I don't want to be taking up too much space on boards where people are much further along than I am. 

Quote from: Deb Roz on May 24, 2017, 11:09:33 AM
Question:

Does anyone  have any suggestions of where I should be posting my thoughts, experiences, questions?   I've been thinking maybe the Non-Binary boards, the Non-transitioning boards, Coming out of the closet boards and of course the MTF talk board. 

I guess since I'm still fully closeted and questioning, I don't want to be taking up too much space on boards where people are much further along than I am.

Hi Deb,

  You might open another thread in the transgender talk forum or the sub board for MtF as you think appropriate. Then you can use it like a personal open blog.  Many of us do something like that. My own is titled "Here I Go Again"

Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: Deb Roz on May 24, 2017, 11:09:33 AM
Question:

Does anyone  have any suggestions of where I should be posting my thoughts, experiences, questions?   I've been thinking maybe the Non-Binary boards, the Non-transitioning boards, Coming out of the closet boards and of course the MTF talk board. 

I guess since I'm still fully closeted and questioning, I don't want to be taking up too much space on boards where people are much further along than I am.

Deb, please feel free to post on any board that is appropriate for your questions or topic.  You won't be taking up too much space.  If you guess wildly wrong about the board to use for a particular subject, one of the moderators will just move it to where it should be and leave a little forwarding note at the old location.

Believe me, you aren't the only person still questioning or closeted on these boards, and all honest questions, no matter the path the questioner is on, deserve good answers.

Welcome again!

Thank you Ladies,

It warms my heart to see your smiling faces and read your friendly responses.   

I am just nervous, I guess.  Also, I want to chat and engage and all of that, maybe I get impatient sometimes.  I would prefer to keep my post quality high, only truly meaningful thoughts, but I also just want to chat .  Thank you for being so welcoming.

Laurie, I saw your ongoing post!  I browsed through some of the current stuff, and there was a bit of back and forth cajoling there which I wasn't ready for.  Felt like a kid at the adults table  

I think I will start a post like that, for to chat with others and share my thoughts and concerns.  I would really like to take some time to clear my head and really write my feelings.  Posts during most hours of the day will probably reflect a certain restlessness as I duck away from the work day to fire off my thoughts really quick. 

I guess I should also consider the name change before jumping into the main boards.  I was thinking Victoria Rose, and going by Vicky.  Deb was an old family friend, now passed on, and I'm not sure I feel right using her name.  I like the idea of 'Victoria rose' as a statement, 'rose' being a verb.  Perhaps too dramatic  

Okay, okay, I'm rambling.  Should save this stuff for the therapists office maybe    

Quote from: Deb Roz on May 24, 2017, 01:06:40 PM

Laurie, I saw your ongoing post!  I browsed through some of the current stuff, and there was a bit of back and forth cajoling there which I wasn't ready for.  Felt like a kid at the adults table  

I think I will start a post like that, for to chat with others and share my thoughts and concerns. 

I guess I should also consider the name change before jumping into the main boards.  I was thinking Victoria Rose, and going by Vicky. 

Hi Deb, Vicky or which ever name you eventually choose. (it can be changed later)

  I started my blog post as a way of expressing my apprehension with starting therapy and getting a little moral support and encouragement from the fine folk here. I had posted similar thing previous to the one I am using as my blog. Hence the title 'Here I go Again" From there it just evolved into my blog.
  Yes, I have made some friends here on Susan's and we do like to have some fun in our conversations with each other. Those same fun conversations though usually have some situation we are dealing with at the time embedded within.

  There is nothing to stop you from having more than one topic thread going at a time one say for a blog where you share and discuss what is happening on a day to day basis and another the is more or less for discussing other deeper thoughts that are troubling you. I pretty much lump mine all together. However you chose to do it keep in mind you are sharing this with all of us and inviting feedback and discussion.

   For specific topics you can open a new thread for them.

Welcome again Deb and make yourself at home.

Hugs,
   Laurie