I'm not sure how else to word this but basically I wondered how other people handled it who are in similar situations as mine. I have been 'full-time' and on hormones for almost ten years since I was 18, yet I still have never had surgery purely because it is so expensive. I'm finally at a job where they will pay the majority of it after a couple years of employment but I still have some time down the road.

Sometimes I see things about people staring hormones and getting surgery not too long afterward and I'm happy for them but it can also hurt. It makes me feel like I'm stagnating, that I'm a failure for not getting it done sooner, that I've messed something up. I know it's a matter of finance primarily. It wasn't eight years ago that I had to dumpster dive for food and I barely managed to scrape by money for hormones, I obviously was in no position to afford surgery.

So I am reaching out and asking others in similar boats where they have been on hormones for a long time and unable to get surgery or it's delayed, or feeling stuck for a length of time in any point in the process. I was wondering how other people deal with it because when I see stuff about surgery and other things it eats me alive that others start hormones and get surgery quickly after. I feel like a failure.

This isn't meant to attack people who can get surgery in a timely manner after starting 'full-time' (I'm very happy for you, I truly am), but it's reaching out to those who couldn't and seeing how they've handled it because it does hurt and make you feel inadequate and like a failure that other people have gotten something that is beyond your reach for a long time. It feels like you are left behind, like you are the one at your high school reunion who is working at Mcdonalds and taking night school when others graduated and record time and started their careers.

I just try to live for the day, enjoy where I'm at now.
I'm just starting electrolysis that I really can't afford so I'm limited to 30mins a fortnight. But at least it's something.

It's going to be a few years until I even get to see a gender therapist and another year on top of that until I get to see a doctor, then probably another year before surgery. That's four years of my life. I either have the choice to focus on everything that isn't available to me yet or set out to make them the best damn four years I can. And it doesn't all have to be about gender.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Thank you Shy,

Yes, you are right. Not everything is about gender. I think of it like a puzzle of happiness. My body might be a massive central piece of the puzzle, a piece that without it I would not ever complete that picture of what happiness is to me, but it isn't the whole picture. How would I feel if I'm poor and living paycheck to paycheck after surgery? Well, yes, I'd be more comfortable with myself and maybe able to handle the stress a little better but I wouldn't be happy with that situation. After surgery what do I want to do? That's a big question for me.

I appreciate your words because it is something I often forget. I can get caught up in my own head too often and forget how far I've come. I may compare myself to others and cause myself angst but (as my therapists have said) I need to think of progress in the context of my life and not another. I've come exceptionally far from where I've started and I need to learn to give myself credit for that. My passport even says female, that's something. ~10 years of continuous hormones is worth giving myself a pat on the back for. The fact that I ave gone from abuse and poverty to having a stable job and a stable safe home where I am slowly but surely moving toward my end goals is something I shouldn't forget.

So, yes, you're right when you say to make each day better than the last. I've gotten better about it but I need to get myself out of rumination and do something fun. After all, regardless of my progress toward surgery the fact is that no one has regarded me as male in many years and that socially I'm a girl and can interact with the world as myself. I need to put more worth into it and pride in where I've come.

Caitlyn Jenner pointed out that 80% never get the surgery. I cannot help but feel it is because of the expense. It certainly is the case for me. I will probably never get it, just because of the cost. Sure, I have medicaid and medicare, but they won't pay for it.
I cannot get a job that will pay for it, because I have messed up my spine trying to keep up with male workers in my past life. I face the fact that I will never achieve what many have, and I live my life as if I had the surgery. Nobody knows except for family and my husband. With them, I don't have the time to get down about it.

Aww I'm really sorry you feel that low.

Quote from: SapphireLotus
Sometimes I see things about people staring hormones and getting surgery not too long afterward and I'm happy for them but it can also hurt. It makes me feel like I'm stagnating, that I'm a failure for not getting it done sooner, that I've messed something up.

Can relate to this. I felt that way at some point. But for one part, as you later pointed, it's just foolish to compare to others. Not everybody has the same opportunities, nor the same resources, nor comes from the same background. It's not all up to you. For example, some young girls just got surgeries payed by their families. It's not up to them. What kind of twisted reasoning are you following to conclude those girls are doing things better than you? ¬¬

Quote from: SapphireLotus
I was wondering how other people deal with it because when I see stuff about surgery and other things it eats me alive that others start hormones and get surgery quickly after. I feel like a failure.

I sensed something when you wrote (in other post) that "trans label just didn't felt right" to you. And now its clear as water. How you can love yourself so little? ¬¬

Quote from: SapphireLotus
Not that anyone ever wants to be with me anyways, haha.

So little??

You got an awful lot of work to do in the self-esteem department. An awful lot. Not just living for the day may help, short-term goals/plans, treating yourself (this works for me big time). Sometimes is just about giving yourself a chance and stop thinking about how bad things may turn.

And thinking is a pretty bad habit (my motto lol), cut it!

I was raised to have no self-esteem so it's hard. I went through severe child abuse and molestation and that robbed me of any childhood or healthy self confidence. I've tried to learn to develop it but things have popped up like me getting raped a few years back that are further blows to it. When you have hated yourself and tried to kill yourself many times it is hard to break that cycle. I've always feared life more than death. I'm not suicidal now because I don't want to put my mom through what she went through when I was on life support and in a coma during my last attempt, but I have a hard time developing a sense of self-worth. It's not often reinforced and when it is I've gotten to a point where I rarely believe any compliments or validation. I can sometimes feel somewhat alright with myself but my social anxiety disorder rears it's head or my major depressive disorder and I can be set back once again. Keep in mind that I'm incapable of having a relationship so that is always something that can eat away at you too.

I've worked on this stuff with my therapists for years and oddly enough as it is to say considering what I've wrote I have improved. I used to be much much worse. I've tried to get better with accepting compliments but it's very hard.

Quote from: SapphireLotus
I rarely believe any compliments or validation.

I understand pretty well. But validation is a tricky thing.

I think it'd be healthy to detach a little your self-worth concept from what others think. At some point everyone should be able to function with no external validation. Even to function well with external negative evaluation. Like "hey world, I know you don't like me, but here I am, again and again, no matter how bad things look".

*Sighs*

I know how easy is to say things.

Maybe focusing on doing something from what you get satisfaction without needing any validation? Like... competing against yourself?

In regards to the trans label not feeling right, that's true, it doesn't and never has. The world views trans people by large as a separate gender. It's TRANS woman, like something different from other women. That's how the media portrays it, that's how it is commonly spoken of. Even in media that tries to a put a positive spin on it they hyper-focus on the aspects that are different from cissexual women almost as if they are trying to alienate trans people from the notion of womanhood. I've heard many times media outlets, even respectable ones, refer to a trans woman as a 'transgender'. I feel like a woman and because the world at large can't accept that without trying to separate me from the notion of womanhood if I mention my past or use the term then it doesn't feel right because the connotations of what the label mean has changed. I know I went on about self-definition, and I do believe in that wholeheartedly and stick to my original point of view I made in the other post but that is some of the reason that I developed that point of view over time.

Also, I'll be the first to admit I have an element of internalized transphobia bu only as it applies to myself. I don't think being trans is shameful, but I'm embarrassed of my own situation. That comes a lot from what I heard growing up. In a family court a judge and an attorney both said that my mother had corrupted me and turned me into a freak. As a child those sorts of things have a big impact, or how because of how i acted when I was young I was tortured for it and called a vile depraved perverted freak. When you hear that as a child it does color my own opinion about it as it applies to myself.

There was another thing, at some point in the last 6 years or so something happened, maybe after my last suicide attempt, I don't remember ever having been in the boy role. When I think of the past I think of myself as physically a little girl so the notion that I was anything different is strange to me. I rationally know it is the case but emotionally and memory recall I don't remember it at all.

I know I'm really screwed up but I've found that for all these messed up aspects of myself and how I feel about it all the way that I can live most comfortably is with a self-identification as a woman and not a trans woman and I have redefined the terms accordingly to assist in this self-identification.

It's related a lot to an external locus of control, because my life and what happened in regards to it was so dependent on the opinions of others for so long that the fear has stuck.

I know rationally that it's best to have an internal locus of control, to have confidence in yourself and to like who you are but how do I do that when I've never done it in 27 years? It's an alien feeling to me and I don't know where to start.

I've tried competing with myself, in a sense but I will inevitably draw it back to comparing myself to other. I'm a pathological perfectionist and even then no matter what I do I feel like it pales in comparison to everyone else, that I've failed the expectations of others, that I've failed the task, that everyone can do it but me. I'm self-aware to know where that stems from but self-awareness is only one portion, a major portion, but I don't now what to do with it in a way. How do you learn to like yourself? How do you learn not to be repulsed by yourself? How do learn not to fear living? How do you learn to take pride in what you do?

That's where I get stuck. I know what needs to change but with the multitude of techniques I've tried nothing seems to help me to put into practice.

Awch, you're throwing really difficult questions >.<

Sorry, this took a really dark turn but I suppose I set the stage with my initial post.

I know that this is better left off a forum and more for my therapy sessions but I guess I'd like to finish up tonight's thoughts by saying that the label of woman and not trans woman is more comfortable for me and makes me happier and that's all the justification that's really needed. Yes, it may be partially rooted in some negative experiences or that the world treats trans women as 'others' but I'm a woman and I want to be seen and treated as such and until such a day that the world at large can see a trans woman as a woman with some different life experiences and not this 'other' category, the label makes me uncomfortable and has destroyed many friendships in my life.

I'm also aware that I have a horrible negative self-image and that I'm not sure how to fix that part. I've resigned myself to life for the most part. I don't look forward to it. I tend to survive like a cockroach, not glamorously but I don't really die, I survive out of instinct. Surgery is something I do looked forward to though, it's something that can open up new doors for me. I know it isn't everything and some people might worry that I'm putting too much weight to it but I've thought about this for years and discussed it with therapists for years and it really is a necessity for me. At the very least I can be more at ease with my body.

I'm sorry for going down this route. I know myself well enough to know that the fact that I haven't left my house to do anything with anyone aside from work in years isn't good for me but I tend to isolate, so that obviously doesn't help my moods.

So, I'm a woman and need surgery. Maybe my reasons for self-identification in such a way might ruffle some feathers or strike people as odd but that self-identification is how I make it through the day. Maybe someday thing will change but I can't stand people thinking of me as a trans woman and immediately 'other'-ing me and alienating me from womanhood. It's horrible that it happens but the majority of society feels that way about it unfortunately and I want to just be viewed as a woman and not be treated with suspicion or excluded from things or what not.

I'm sorry if these comments have upset anyone. These are purely constructed fro my own experiences with the world and may not be how others have experienced it.

Anyways, good night and sorry for being depressing, rambling, and maybe being a tad convoluted.

I feel for you, truly.

Hope that you are okay.

You know, at 17 I was kicked out and at the time only owned some clothes, my college books, a alarm clock, and $20.  I ended up living from friend's house to friend's house and didn't have a job or a car to even sleep in.  I'm 38 right now and started hrt at 36.  I am also able to afford surgeries.  That being the case.....

I would give that all up and I would have killed to start hrt at 18.  If I did start at 18 though, I definitely would not be able to pay for anything either.  Honestly, I think you are so lucky to have started so early.

Also, have you ever though about working for certain companies that actually pay for things like GRS, BA, and even FFS?  There are some out there although they tend to be tech companies.  Also, have you thought about continuing your education?  Even a vocational school for a specialty can give you a huge net return.

P.S. I wish I could seriously give you a hug.  I was recently in one of those depressive states and I'm not sure how I'm still here typing this and I know how you feel.  I hope you feel better and if you ever want to chat, send me a pm.

I'm in a similar situation. I'm older, going to be 60 in November. I used to make good money in the printing field. But now that field is mostly dead. I was married for 10 years, and out of work when we got divorced in 2011. It's been a struggle ever since, and last year I was homeless. I'm working now and can barely pay my rent.

So this rules out trying to save for FFS or even start HRT. So I've been living in androgynous limbo land. [emoji53]


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I'm sorry if I took what I had for granted. I try to remember to be grateful for what I have. I've come far from where I was and I'm grateful for that, sometimes maybe I take taking hormones at a young age for granted and for that I'm sorry. I'll try to be more aware of that from now on. Anyone who is familiar with it may see the telltale signs of someone who has a problem with oversharing. I shared perhaps a little too much, felt like I was going to be misunderstood so explained some more, then worried I'd still be misunderstood and continued from there. I'm a little better today and I have my therapy appt in a couple hours. I know that in my ramblings it can be hard to decipher exactly what I'm trying to say at times. I'm sorry for oversharing and will try to watch it better next time so that everyone, myself included, can have a more comfortable experience on here.

Quote from: Justarandomname on May 24, 2017, 11:30:43 AM

Also, have you ever though about working for certain companies that actually pay for things like GRS, BA, and even FFS?  There are some out there although they tend to be tech companies.  Also, have you thought about continuing your education?  Even a vocational school for a specialty can give you a huge net return.

I actually work for a company that pays for 80% of it as a special benefit. I'll be eligible in a little over another year. So I am making progress, it just doesn't feel like it sometimes, you know?

My depression tends to kick up during the summer because growing up for sixteen years the summer was the most horrible time of the year for me so even though I have PTSD (in remission as my therapists have called it) and I'm not really triggered by things that might remind me of the situation, the time of year still does on a subconscious level.

I recently told a good friend of mine about myself and she is supportive so it's nice to have a friend who lives out here and is fine with me. I haven't had that in a long time so hopefully that will help.

As I said in my previous post, I tend to ramble and overshare in a state of heightened anxiety, terrified that I'm not going to be understood and I end up making it worse by saying things I don't mean, saying things I'll regret, and saying things that cause discomfort to other people. As a result I tend to burn myself out and end up in a depressive anxious ridden state where I think I've screwed everything up with this habit. I've gotten better though in that I've calmed down today and can come back and apologize calmly for any discomfort I may have caused. That certainly was not my intention.

My life has taken a similar route the sexual abuse as a child robbed me of any confidence that's why its taken me so long to sort help, the drugs the depression hindered my social skills never able to hold a job down for long term so money as always been very tight I always dreamt of transition but knew I would never afford it, spending years trying to save what little money I  earn't then just when its with in your grasp you end up at rock bottom again, now I know its now or never for me I've been to a therapist who he told me yes to HRT but its may be two years away so I gathered al items of value I own & I am in the process of selling so I can go down the private way not ideal but its now or never, if I ever had just a tiny piece of confidence all those years ago I would of found the right job saved,i would of transition along time ago I know I,m gong to struggle money wise now my wife has been told of my gender dysphoria she has left me & soon I will probably be homeless & as I work from home my job as well but i have no choice now ever I die or I transition, there is something in side all of us on here that drives us to became the real us, sapphirelotus don't every think that you are not a real women dam hell you are, all of us are real.

Believe me its better to ramble on & get it off your mind that let it build up it just eats at you & feeds the depression.

Quote from: SapphireLotus on May 24, 2017, 05:44:55 PM
As I said in my previous post, I tend to ramble and overshare in a state of heightened anxiety, terrified that I'm not going to be understood and I end up making it worse by saying things I don't mean, saying things I'll regret, and saying things that cause discomfort to other people. As a result I tend to burn myself out and end up in a depressive anxious ridden state where I think I've screwed everything up with this habit. I've gotten better though in that I've calmed down today and can come back and apologize calmly for any discomfort I may have caused. That certainly was not my intention.

Jeez, you haven't offended anybody! You're way overcautious, really!

By the way, I had just the same issue with summer, and even today I'm not completely there yet (it just don't feel 100% with summer).

For what is worth, imho, nothing like fall's restrained elegance. I love so much the fallen leaves and cloudy rainy days. Best color palette, specially here in north atlantic mixed forests zones <3

Quote from: Wednesday on May 24, 2017, 06:52:56 PM

By the way, I had just the same issue with summer, and even today I'm not completely there yet (it just don't feel 100% with summer).

For what is worth, imho, nothing like fall's restrained elegance. I love so much the fallen leaves and cloudy rainy days. Best color palette, specially here in north atlantic mixed forests zones <3

It doesn't help that I live in the desert now, either. It gets too hot. I'm from Michigan originally so the sweltering heat isn't my thing. To be honest I'm comfortable between 73-76 degrees anything else is too hot or too cold, haha.