I don't necessarily know the right way to express what is written across my heart, but I'll give it a go...
Everything has just been too confusing for me lately and I don't know why I have to be like this...
I have too many negative thoughts, worries and it's so unbearable...

I am stuck in the middle, not sure where to go...
I can't live as a woman... I just can't... I've tried too many times and all it does is reduce me to open wounds and bucket loads of anxiety... I tremble, I can't even control my depression, I lose my bloody mind...
The situation is, I want to transition so badly... the idea of finally being MYSELF brings me so much relief...
If I could have done this sooner, I would've gone through this as a child... but sadly... as a child I might not be troubled by the thoughts I have today... as a child I probably would've been so very happy, lived my life the way I wanted and depression free too! Maybe some of the problems I have today wouldn't have existed...

Lately, I'm scared for my life of dying alone... I see so many people out there with dates and I don't think I could ever possibly experience that due to my identity issues... *sigh* it gets so complicated...

The thing is, despite wanting to take hormones I don't particularly mind my chest or my other parts... but I don't want to be a girl, I've tried living as one, I've just accepting it, but I emotionally and mentally can't... it damages me to even force it upon myself...

I want a beard, chiselled jawline, low voice, body hair, facial hair and... well... if I were born with a fully functioning d*ck it would have been brilliant and half of my problems wouldn't exist... well, so I hope... I don't mind my genitalia because I've gotten used to it, and it does align with my sexual needs, but at the same time... damn...

I frighten myself so badly over the idea I'm just "sick in the head"... I have a lot of hatred towards myself lately and it gets worse... the reason I freak out so much is because I'm being referred to the gender clinic in November and may be in the process of hormones early next year... which is what I need! Trust me, I need that so bad! But... I'm scared...

I think of society... how sometimes it just seems odd... taboo to be trans... I often worry about dating online as I'm likely to become a fetish... dating or flirty in the real world startles me if somebody realises my gender identity and I get accused of lying, being a prototype or just downright "sick in the head"...

I'm a typical 18 year old guy... I want to be flirty, fun and enjoy myself before my twenties... I just want to spice up my life a little, but I fear this cannot ever happen if I transition... nowadays I am trying to enforce the idea of remaining a "woman" to get away from my fears... to stay away from the potential risk... but it won't be the right thing...

I already can't make any friends at college... most of those living in this itty bitty town are usually full of transphobic opinions... I've been referred to as a "->-bleeped-<- boy" by quite a few, and dare do I open up to anyone that easily...

I fear being on hormones and getting physically beaten up by the chavs around here, because silly me also had to be gay... yep, I'm attracted to men... even trans men... and if anyone discovers that I'm gay or I act a little "off-putting" then... welp, it's likely my butt would be kicked. I've seen plenty of fights happen here... not a pretty sight.

I don't know... everything worries me... I want to drink to death...

Sorry if this is the wrong forum, please feel free to remove it if necessary, I apologise if this has been triggering...

Yikes.

If you are old enough, maybe you can transfer to a free university in San Francisco where you will have plenty of company, can transition at will.
Just taking hormones will change your appearance enough to pass and if you are young enough you could even grow a couple more inches.

Enough transgender people live there that you might find a transmale who will date you, if you are attracted to them.

Some gay cismales don't mind the elongated clitorises of transmales, so you might find someone, as long as you take both health and physical safety precautions.

Welcome to Susan's Place. Our fear is our own worst enemy and it can keep us from doing what we need. Fortunately if you are willing, it can be overcome. A combination of therapy and environmental exposure will help us understand that the fear is mostly in our head.

As a MTF, there are places I know better than to go so I avoid them as much as possible. Should I need to go to a place I am uncomfortable with, I remain aware of my surroundings so I have plenty of time to avoid anything that could be a problem.

Being a male doesn't give you total freedom to say and do what ever you want. You have to treat other with respect and others will then treat you with respect. Many times the guys who get beat up are the ones who violated one or more of these rules.

I have lived as a woman for about 38 years an never had a issue like you fear. I am under no delusion that I pass 100%. I am 6'2" and until the last 2 years, my voice was in the upper masculine range. I was off estrogen for 10 years and in that time I lost much of the feminine facial fat that made my avatar look more feminine. People are accepting if you treat them properly and I have been treated with respect.

Mostly the fear you feel is in your head and you can overcome it if it's what you want. All it takes is for you to put in the effort.

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Sorry you're having such bad time man. Have you had any gender counseling? I know that's what everyone here says but it helps a lot.  Testosterone causes some big changes in how you look. Once you start getting a beard and your voice drops you will pass pretty easily. So you're gay? So what? Lots of transguys are gay. And a lot of them have cis boyfriends. One thing you need to remember is that not all gay guys or women even are Dick obsessed. Attraction comes from what a person sees first. Almost no one sees the genitals when they first meet someone. If you look male that's enough for a lot of people. So don't go thinking you're gonna die alone. I hope things get better for you dude. This is definitely the right place for support and advice.
Peace
Lucas.

 Hi oddoneout,

  I'm Laurie. I'd like to welcome you to Susan's Place. ((Hug)) Sorry, it looked like you could use that. Come on in and find a seat. This is the place you need to be at the moment. I'm sorry to read how torn you are with your  gender concerns. Have you talked to a professional about them yet? That seems to me to be a good place for you to start.
  For my problems, I needed to seek help from a gender therapist. I can tell you that just having someone I can talk to openly that understands the things I am having trouble with and then get guidance from has been a lot of help to me.
   lol  This just reminded me I have an appointment with him on Tuesday. Last time I went  en femme for the first time and I was terrified waiting in the lobby, it was full of people. I stood to the side and prayed no one would talk to me. He helped me explore my fear and encouraged me to  try going en femme in public more. Of course I thought he was crazy for suggesting it but I've been out 2-3 times dressed since and will probably be in his office dressed again on Tuesday. 
  These people can help if you let them.   Glad you found us.

Hugs,
    Laurie

Hi, and welcome!

So I'm guessing from your use of the word 'chav' that you're in the UK: it's always useful to mention that because there are a lot of people here from across the Pond and their ways of doing things are very different than ours, particularly when it comes to accessing medical treatment.

Lets address a few of your points:

Quote from: oddoneout on May 26, 2017, 05:30:37 AM
I can't live as a woman... I just can't... I've tried too many times and all it does is reduce me to open wounds and bucket loads of anxiety... I tremble, I can't even control my depression, I lose my bloody mind...
The situation is, I want to transition so badly... the idea of finally being MYSELF brings me so much relief...
If I could have done this sooner, I would've gone through this as a child... but sadly... as a child I might not be troubled by the thoughts I have today... as a child I probably would've been so very happy, lived my life the way I wanted and depression free too! Maybe some of the problems I have today wouldn't have existed...

If you can't live as a woman, then don't! I tried it for 21 years after I'd realised I needed to transition, and I sucked so badly at it that I had to transition at 40. Don't waste any more time trying to figure out how to be a woman, because if you're anything like me you'll never figure it out & you'll only spend ages torturing yourself.

And try not to dwell on the past: as the Bard said, 'What is done is done, and it cannot be undone'. Yes, maybe we would all be happier if we'd been able to transition as children. But unless you have access to a DeLorean, that's not going to happen. All we can do is concentrate on the present & plan for the future, because that's all we have.

Quote from: oddoneout on May 26, 2017, 05:30:37 AM
Lately, I'm scared for my life of dying alone... I see so many people out there with dates and I don't think I could ever possibly experience that due to my identity issues... *sigh* it gets so complicated...

It's normal for you to feel this way, especially at your age. But it's even more difficult when you're trans. We all need to be loved, but it's difficult for us to find love when we're so unhappy within ourselves. How can we find someone to love when we find it so incredibly difficult to love ourselves?

Quote from: oddoneout on May 26, 2017, 05:30:37 AM
The thing is, despite wanting to take hormones I don't particularly mind my chest or my other parts... but I don't want to be a girl, I've tried living as one, I've just accepting it, but I emotionally and mentally can't... it damages me to even force it upon myself...

It's not about the parts. We don't all hate our bodies. And you can't force yourself to be something you're not. If you keep trying to force yourself to be female, you'll keep tormenting yourself.

Quote from: oddoneout on May 26, 2017, 05:30:37 AM
I want a beard, chiselled jawline, low voice, body hair, facial hair and... well... if I were born with a fully functioning d*ck it would have been brilliant and half of my problems wouldn't exist... well, so I hope... I don't mind my genitalia because I've gotten used to it, and it does align with my sexual needs, but at the same time... damn...

I hear you. I've got the beard, low voice, body hair & flat chest, and I too would love a fully-functioning joystick but that's not going to happen. I also don't mind my existing bits because they fit in with my sexual preferences. It's perfectly OK to want what you want.

Quote from: oddoneout on May 26, 2017, 05:30:37 AM
I frighten myself so badly over the idea I'm just "sick in the head"... I have a lot of hatred towards myself lately and it gets worse... the reason I freak out so much is because I'm being referred to the gender clinic in November and may be in the process of hormones early next year... which is what I need! Trust me, I need that so bad! But... I'm scared...

Does that mean that you actually have a first appointment in November? Or that you're going to your GP to get a referral in November? There's a world of difference between the two, especially when it comes to waiting times. And don't bank on hormones early next year: even if you go private, the waiting times between appointments are very long at the moment and most clinics insist on at least 4 appointments before you get hormones. And it's OK to be scared: this is a huge change so if you weren't nervous about it, that would mean that you haven't given it enough thought.

Quote from: oddoneout on May 26, 2017, 05:30:37 AM
I think of society... how sometimes it just seems odd... taboo to be trans... I often worry about dating online as I'm likely to become a fetish... dating or flirty in the real world startles me if somebody realises my gender identity and I get accused of lying, being a prototype or just downright "sick in the head"...

There are some douches out there. But most people are actually pretty awesome. Very few people think we're lying or sick in the head, and you may be relieved to know that there really isn't a major fetish for trans guys out there. The fetish for trans women is something entirely different and we're not affected in the same way.

Quote from: oddoneout on May 26, 2017, 05:30:37 AM
I'm a typical 18 year old guy... I want to be flirty, fun and enjoy myself before my twenties... I just want to spice up my life a little, but I fear this cannot ever happen if I transition... nowadays I am trying to enforce the idea of remaining a "woman" to get away from my fears... to stay away from the potential risk... but it won't be the right thing...

Let's turn that thought on its head: if you are a man, and you're gay, then let me tell you from experience - it can only happen if you transition.

Straight men want straight women. And lesbian porn, but that's another story. No, in all seriousness, men have a masculine energy; a masculine aura - and the only men who want to be with someone who has that energy & aura are men who are attracted to men. If you have that masculine presence about you, straight men will not want to be with you (and you'll probably find you don't want to be with them either!). Remaining a woman won't get you what you want. Not by a long shot!

Quote from: oddoneout on May 26, 2017, 05:30:37 AM
I already can't make any friends at college... most of those living in this itty bitty town are usually full of transphobic opinions... I've been referred to as a "->-bleeped-<- boy" by quite a few, and dare do I open up to anyone that easily...

I fear being on hormones and getting physically beaten up by the chavs around here, because silly me also had to be gay... yep, I'm attracted to men... even trans men... and if anyone discovers that I'm gay or I act a little "off-putting" then... welp, it's likely my butt would be kicked. I've seen plenty of fights happen here... not a pretty sight.

Erm... 'even trans men'? I know you're new here and you possibly don't know many (or any) trans men IRL, but I can assure you that we're not a lesser class of men. We're just as awesome as any other men; just as valid; and just as loveable. Anyway, two-thirds of us are gay or bi, and many of us are in successful relationships. So welcome to the club.

If you're in a chavvy area, you might want to consider moving somewhere else (if possible) whilst transtitioning, because once those hormones kick in you're going to go through another puberty and you will be visibly trans for a period of that. And after that, you're likely to feel more comfortable in your skin, which means you're likely to feel more comfortable presenting yourself as an out and proud gay man. Is a chavvy town the right place for that?

Quote from: oddoneout on May 26, 2017, 05:30:37 AM
I don't know... everything worries me... I want to drink to death...

I understand where you're coming from and sometimes I feel the same way. But the answers you seek are not going to be found in the bottom of a bottle. And if you screw up your liver, you might be prevented from taking hormones. So go easy on the booze, please.

Hello everybody,

I've read through each of your replies and I'm so relieved there are so many wonderful, kind-hearted people here   
I often get so panicked over writing post on forums because of how I usually phrase things. I have had instances where some people would get offended over how I write something and I feel bad because of that, so I'm relieved I haven't managed to upset anyone... because honestly, If I did I'd be so dreadfully sorry and willing to make things right. 

I guess lately I've been a little emotional.. I've still got a lot of growing up to do, and thanks Dena for those links, I'll be reading through them as soon as I can. I think it's true what you said about respecting others and I'd like to thank everyone again for commenting or even reading this. I'm happy to be a part of this community and cannot wait to learn more about everything this place has to offer. 

This group is hard to offend Oddoneout. When I first got here I couldn't get the terminology right. I wasn't sure if I was a trans man or a trans woman. No one laughed or scorned, they just gently educated me. I've never known a kinder, more accepting group of people.

Hi oddoneout!

Welcome. I few quotes from Sense8 that are stuck in my head forever and might help you:

-Pretending isn't a life.
-Nothing changes if we keep playing it safe.

Take the necessary steps to be happy. Leaving in fear and regret isn't a life either. Just go for it, one small step at a time, each step you take will take you closer to where you want to be and will make you happier.

Also, lots of gay guys find trans men hot! So don't worry about it

I'm currently crying right now because this group give each other the support that we need, and how much love each other gives to each other.

I just think that you are so overwhelmed with all your problems/ issues. I think that it would be best to list out all of your problems and try to figure out a way how to deal with these issues and/or you can go to a professional who can help you. Some self-acceptants would help you go to the place you want to go in life.

Also live one day at a time because that might help get you back on track to the person you really are. And explore what's right for your needs.

Remember that everyone is different. And it's okay to be different because there are always some different groups of people who accepts others as being the person who they really are.


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