During this period of my life, transition, I feel like I have become very self absorbed and self centered more than I like. Now that GCS is a month away it has gotten worse.  I have had a lot of worry surrounding the surgery arrangements, and I know that stress is probably at the root of my behavior.  It is so hard not to think about it 24/7. I usually see myself as an empathetic person and I am not thrilled with myself right now. I have a hard time listening and relating to others, and I worry that I am coming off as a jerk. That includes my posts on this site. I have been joking to lighten things up, but maybe I am not listening to others as I should. The logical mind says that in order to transform a life this much, it takes a lot of self awareness to judge where one is, as a new entity, in relation to the world. Many things aren't automatic for me, at this point, such as voice, and it happens that I worry so much about it rather than listening to others.
   I am wondering if anyone else has thoughts or experience with this. I won't become a permanent jerk, will I? Maybe just a temporary one.
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on May 26, 2017, 08:16:13 PM
   During this period of my life, transition, I feel like I have become very self absorbed and self centered more than I like. Now that GCS is a month away it has gotten worse.  I have had a lot of worry surrounding the surgery arrangements, and I know that stress is probably at the root of my behavior.  It is so hard not to think about it 24/7. I usually see myself as an empathetic person and I am not thrilled with myself right now. I have a hard time listening and relating to others, and I worry that I am coming off as a jerk. That includes my posts on this site. I have been joking to lighten things up, but maybe I am not listening to others as I should. The logical mind says that in order to transform a life this much, it takes a lot of self awareness to judge where one is, as a new entity, in relation to the world. Many things aren't automatic for me, at this point, such as voice, and it happens that I worry so much about it rather than listening to others.
   I am wondering if anyone else has thoughts or experience with this. I won't become a permanent jerk, will I? Maybe just a temporary one.
Moni

   Hey you, This is me. Stop it! I won't have it! Do you hear me?

When one has these big life altering events coming up it is absolutely normal to obsess, worry, be moody, snap at others for no good reason, talk to imaginary rabbits, chase then down rabbit holes, not able to choose red or blue pills, become withdrawn, be pensive, harass good online friends that don't deserve such treatment, break out in tears  due to stress. exhibit all the symptoms of pms except one,... well you get the idea.
  You're fine Moni. Don't make me come out there and smack you up the side of your cute little head. (it could happen...) Besides I have my own issues to deal with. I mean like I have 2 hours of facial torture scheduled for tomorrow! I don't need to be babysitting you buttercup. You're fine I tell ya.

Hugs,
   Laurie

That was something i noticed when beginning my transition. It is a very self absorbed process and so i would focus on making sure i did my turn of listening in conversations too. In my head i would constantly think how they are thinking "this is all we talk about" (i know, i have crazy anxiety) so i would go out of my way to show appreciation for them. I was extremely self-centered when i first came out, i really hated it when i realized it. The first step is knowing

You are so close to an amazing step that it kind of gives you a pass though lol. Congratulations, i am super jealous

I think it's just temporary. In my case it certainly was.

Hey,

In respect to the stress over surgery i went through the exact same thing and i began to obsess over it and just wanted it over and done with. I became self absorbed and just didn't care about other things and my husband made me aware of how i was acting and i felt horrible for being that way even though he understood, i knew that i wasn't normally like that. I can say that after the surgery it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and i went back to being myself and i did regret that i acted that way because that just wasn't who i am. After your surgery i am sure you will return to being empathetic and you will be fine. Just hang in there and be happy and safe. This is a big change with a lot of emotions attached to it, i think your feelings at the moment are normal and i say that because it sounds very similar to my own experience. And no you won't be a permanent jerk it's just that at this point in time you really do need to put yourself first and there is nothing wrong with that and those who know you and love you will understand.

hugs 

HI Moni!!!

I wouldn't worry too much... The period of transition is by it's very nature a very inward facing journey that requires a period of intense focus on self... We must balance things as best we can but it is my belief that this focus is part of the ride... And an important part at that!!!

On the other side of the self focus that comes with surgical healing, I believe you'll find it time to again turn your attention from the inward to the outward again as you look out upon the world through new eyes.... Sending good thoughts to you for the next part of your journey!!!

Onward we go!!!

Ashley

Well Moni, if you've been self-centered and rude, I haven't noticed it.  You've been very helpful to me in a number of threads as of late and I really appreciate it.  Right now you're going through what is one of the most fundamentally life changing transitions a person can go through and the culmination of that is nearing on the horizon.  You need to take some time to focus on you in order to get through this.  You have no need to apologize for that. Yes we all come here to support each other, this is true. But at the end of the day each of us has the same priority and that is to take care of ourselves and get to a more peaceful state in our lives.

I'm of course very early in my journey, but this is something I've struggled with too.  I'm the type that was always taught to put others' needs ahead of mine.  So now that I'm in a position where I need to focus on me, it causes me some guilt at times too.  But my therapist has been very good about working with me on that and I'm coming to accept that I'm doing the right thing.  So hopefully you can continue to accept that as well and don't apologize for it.

Keep being you hon, the crest of that mountain you've been climbing is just ahead!!

I totally don't see you being selfish or mean on any threads I'm on! (OK, maybe you & Laurie are a little mean to each other, but it's all in good fun  ) You add so much to this community & have nothing to apologize for. i often think it's those who are inclined to worry about how we are treating others who have the least to actually worry about, whereas the true jerks of this world are not really aware of how they are acting. So excited for you!

Moni, I suspect you are kind to the people in your real life.  Certainly n the forum, you are one of the most empathetic and supportive members here.  I think that that is the core of who you are, so you couldn't stop if you tried.  So don't worry.

You are coming up on a major life-altering and self-affirming surgery.  If there is one time in your life that you should be looking after your own physical and emotional needs, this is it.  Right now, you should be the most important person in your life.  If you are not able to give us as much attention as you'd like for a while, that's okay.

Be good to yourself, and do whatever you have to do to be healthy and comfortable.

Moni,

Now I don't know as I'd recommend this but I more or less short circuited that transition focus in my own life by choosing to accept a wait list entry to a very large art exhibition/show that happened the weekend before I left for my surgery. This meant I had to execute a bunch of new work, prepare a display for the event with only a month of notice. Basically I was scheduled 12 hours a day for that whole month - and yes this included being ready to get myself to SF.

The show also required that I put off driving inventory to a gallery in Provincetown to the day before I flew to SF.

Now I hate feeling rushed and I also had to take on most of this without estrogen as my doc set my last injection for 4 weeks before GCS. Still I managed to execute the things I needed to and made it through, day by day pretty much getting everything done *just in time*.

Now to be sure it was still a very self-centered month, just not really having time to think about the upcoming procedure. It couldn't have happened without enlisting both my partner and numerous friends and co-workers (but I'd "paid that forward", covering other people's absences for a whole year, banked as time owed while I'd be away for surgery).

Happily all that work paid off and I landed a sizeable commission at the exhibition that is an important step forward in my work and life as an artist.

According to my wife I am insensitive just by coming out, anyway back to the plot, looks like 4years till I will be at the point your at and its (literally) taken over my life maybe to the point of obsession but then you have to or else your not fully committed (and Laurie says you are). At the moment I have no worries about surgery , just need it to happen NOW. 

Quote from: davina61 on May 27, 2017, 01:34:22 PM
According to my wife I am insensitive just by coming out, anyway back to the plot, looks like 4years till I will be at the point your at and its (literally) taken over my life maybe to the point of obsession but then you have to or else your not fully committed (and Laurie says you are). At the moment I have no worries about surgery , just need it to happen NOW.

Davina, I think Laurie wants me committed, you are right.
   I thank you all for your responses. I started this thread after dealing with a very self absorbed person and it really made me think that maybe this is what I have become lately. I was touched by the kind personal comments offered here. I also appreciate the reality check that this is how it has to be for a while. I think it should be in the transgender handbook that they pass out when you realize you are trans. "You will become self centered in order to find your future path and when moving to your final destination." What? No handbook? Well there should be one, and I am self-centered enough to write it. 
Moni
I think I underlined your quote somehow Davina. Don't know how to fix it.



Fixed. Devlyn

Quote from: HappyMoni on May 28, 2017, 08:26:43 AM
   Davina, I think Laurie wants me committed, you are right.
   

Now, now Moni (as in full of balony)

  I don't want you committed. No, not at all. You are such a dear, dear friend I would never want you committed. What I meant is that you should be committed. It's what would be best for you sweetheart. You know, for your own good. What I want has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I now understand why I am self absorbed, in my own little world. When I read your posts Laurie, it drives me there.
Come on Harvey , its time to go!
Moni
Kudos on the video and song. "There is a Happy Dale, far far away..."

Hi Moni,

Self absorbed or self centered; I think that is a characteristic of most transgender individuals to some extent. There are a few exceptions. Folks like you, KathyLauren and several others on this site are virtually always putting the emotions and concerns for others first and I have enjoyed learning that from the two of you.

You will be taking another huge step in your path next month and deserve a pass. It is too big a step to not focus on. Go for it girl! I will caution you to do your best to spare your partner as much of it as you can as you will be needing her by your side for quite some time.

Take care my friend, we all love you!
Anne

Come on Moni cut yourself some slack...Its life changing, serious, painful, life affirming surgery you are having and if you were not somewhat preoccupied with it I would have been really surprised. I think for your own well being you need to focus on you for the time being...this is an important time for you. Those who love and respect you will understand and make allowances for you if any are actually needed which I doubt.

It's Okay to be looking after yourself.