Ok, first of all "Hey girls!!!" So glad to be here and so glade there is a resource like this where sisters can help each other out. ( can ya yell this is my first post? *giggles*)

Ok, to business. *smooths out skirt suit*
First off a little background (I'll  try to keep the extraneous  details to a minimum) after nearly 25 years of self loathing, hidden shame, and self destructive behaviour I finally came out back in 2015 to my absolutly amazing friend/roommate,/ex-girlfriend/domestic partner,  and since then have been living as a woman full time since the summer of 2016, came out to frinds and family and finally started HRT back in Feb 2017 so nearly 4 months so far. The changes have been subtle and amazing softer skin less..musky...body odor when I perspire slowed hair  growth on my arms, legs, chest and face ( though I will be ecstatic when I can afford electrolysis) even a gradual change to my facial features and , of course,  the beginnings of breast growrh (up to a 38B already, measured 3 times just to be sure.) But still no hip growth. Plus the mental amd emotional changes sich as I am more politically, socially and culturally awar,e more outgoing,generally more upbeat and more open with my emotions (even if that does mean I cry a lot more, But there is one recent develpment that has  me concerned. Until now I have been  vacilating from pragmatic acceptance  to  ambivalence to mild emotional  discomfort regarding my penis. But starting just a few days ago I developed a much stronger negative reaction to it's  existence. I first relized this in the shower wnen I looked down between my budding breasts and saw it just sitting theren I was suddenly  overcome with such an intense feeling of disgust and loathing that  it made my head spin, since then  I cant even look at it, i avoid catching sight of it at all times. This is concerning to me because  I have been saying from the start that I do not want to have bottom surgery except an orchiectomy, so that I can stop taking spiro, Untill I have seen improvements made to the prcedure avalible in the continental U.S.,  I.E a marked improvement in the rate of fully sensate neo clitori, improved self lubrication, and/or elimination of the need for lifelong dilation.  But these new feelings of downright vertiginous disgust and dysphoria in regards to my "boy bits" are I fear eroding my valid reasons for waiting beyond the 5-6 year timeframe I have given myself before taking the plunge.  This scares me as I feel that this is impairing my ability to male rational decision on this matter. My question is "Has anyone else experienced this sudden shift in their feelings towards thier anatomy after a few months of HRT,  and if so did this lead you to seek GRS sooner than originally planned? If If not, how where you able to cope amd keep to your timetable?" Can't  wait to read your comments.
Blessed Be and have  a beautiful day!!


P.S. I know thos os something better addressed with a therapist  but I am currently in search of a new ome as my old one whom I adore is not "in-network" for my fabulous insurance that I get thanks to my domestic partner which covers everything  transition  related except cosmetic facial surgery, vocal coaching,  and electrolysis.

Hi Rosegamer,

First of all, welcome to Susan's Place. I think you will find this site a valuable resource for information and support.

As you read more and more stories here, you will notice everyone is different in the way they want to transition, or can deal with transition, for personal, social, medical, or financial reasons.  People are different in how their gender dysphoria affects them.  Some are fine with their bodies, and just want to assume a female gender role.  Some have more physical dysphoria.  They aren't completely unhappy with their male lives, but do not like their body.  The genital dysphoria you are feeling may come and go, but it is good you have a plan for your transition and have a long-term outlook.   

I have been in transition since about mid-2014, so it has been about three years.  My dysphoria was greatly reduced when I started HRT, and it was a crucial step for me accepting the need to transition. I have never been fond of my male body, but not to the extent it caused any sort of debilitating mental anguish.  That said, my genital dysphoria got much worse after I started RLE.  Just the incongruity of looking like a girl, dressing like a girl, and feeling very comfortable with a female gender role made the reality of having a penis between my legs borderline disgusting. I have to be careful how I dress. I try to dress in a loose, casual manner that is still feminine, while avoid tight or figure-revealing clothing.

I do have a boyfriend, and I am lucky he is so understanding of my pre-op condition, but there is basically nothing more amorous than kisses or hugs between us because it just weirds me out completely trying to respond to a man in any kind of sexual way when I am not anatomically correct.

To more directly answer your question, no, HRT never caused me much problem, but RLE definitely has.  It has not changed my plans, simply because there is little I can do to make things go any faster.  My SRS is scheduled for August and I just have to take deep breaths and know that my time will come.

With kindness,

Terri

I can relate
I was cognizant (way) back when I started HRT ...
that the result would have to be ...
one surgery or another: either GCS/SRS ... or a Mastectomy ...

For various reasons my "RLT" went on&on ... for years&years ...
I could barely wait any longer for GCS/SRS ...
by the time I finally had GCS/SRS ...

Hi sis
When I was starting my transition I wasn't really set on whether I would go for SRS or not. Or to be more precise I didn't reject the idea but I thought it could wait and that I could decide later if I felt the need too.
And after two or three months on hormones I felt it had become necessary, and it was also urgent. I didn't have the money to afford the SRS at the time, which had me go through another year of depression and self destruction and stuff. Until The beginning of this year when I found a way to pay for my SRS.

So yes I did experience a sudden and violent shift with regards to that. My advice is to start gathering the money to pay for the surgery, if you don't have it already.

Now my experience of not being able to access the surgery was pretty bad but I hope it will go better for you. But if it doesn't you really have to pull though because an unexpected solution may pop up suddenly out of nowhere, as it did for me. I wanted to get a surgery in Thailand but the price was so much higher than I could ever afford (I'm student with no money, getting a job wouldn't even have helped). So it seem I would never be able to have my surgery. But a miracle happened and now I've got it planed in July. So I'm glad I survived this. It took a whole year of suffering but it was worth it.
Still, I hope it won't be as bad for you

Good luck sis be strong