I have never felt so down in my life. Its getting hard for me to live through the day.
All day, I keep getting thoughts of ending my life. People think I am an attention seeker, but I don't want any attention. I just want peace of mind.
      I am seeing a therapist, but its not working for me. I don't know what to do.
Small, insignificant things depress me very easily.
       My gender dysphoria is at an all time high, and there's nothing I can do about it currently. I am out to my family, but even they don't do anything to console me.
        I want to be happy, I want to smile, I want this ->-bleeped-<-storm to stop.
       Please help me.

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Big hug! If you commit suicide, so help me God, I'll track you down and kill you! 

If you are overwhelmed, call a suicide hotline, emergency room, anyone.
Please, because we need you around.

Hugs, Devlyn

Do you know who the most important person in the world is? It's not the President of the United States, it's not Queen of England and much less your parents. It's you. Do not commit the big mistake to give anyone else but yourself importance because the only person in the whole universe who truly understands you and who you are and who truly cares about you is yourself. No a single other person should be given more importance. Stop, literally, giving a ->-bleeped-<- about what other people think and live your life on your terms otherwise one day you'll get old and think "if only I had risked it back then, it could've worked and I could've been a happy woman all my life. Also, have in mind that a good number of people who try to commit suicide regret it the instant it becomes irreversible, for example, jumping of a bridge and then realizing that you don't really wanna die. Also, you could try to do it, fail and then be returned to a crippled body making it even worse. So, you see, suicide is a very dumb thing to do. Now please watch this video intently and pay close attention to what Mr. Prince Ea has to say.  

Saira, you have the potential of addressing your  gender. Not addressing your gender and not being yourself is causing the dysphoria. The beginning is rough, I was in really bad shape 5 years ago, so I know what it feels like. I am sorry you are going through this.

Can you tell us a little more about your situation? There are many here that know what you are going through and we may be able to help.

Best of luck, and love to you! I hope things work out in whatever way is best for you. Suicide is an end, and it is available to all of us, but I hope you see this crappy part through to find the good parts later, out of my own selfiah desire to see other people happy.

--
"You do realize, this means you get to do character creation & the newbie zone all over again? "

Saira..  There are so many of us here, myself included, who have been in a similar place to where you now find yourself ... When you are in a place that dark, it is so easy to not be able to see beyond the pain but believe me there are amazing things not to be missed that lay just a bit further down the road

Our worlds can feel like we are not in control but the truth is different... If we can visualize what we want our lives to be... We can begin taking steps to get there.. Sometimes they are baby steps but we progress towards the goal ... PLEASE reach out for help from loved ones and find it in you to get past this darkness... I promise you it is worth the struggle

Onward we go brave girl!!!!

Ashley

Saira, you need to have a serious talk with your therapist. You have endured harsh medications and shock therapy in an attempt by your therapist to make you more "stable" so you are in a better place to face gender treatment. It doesn't appear to be working and your doctor has to face up to this fact. You may need something to help with your depression but at the moment, you need to see if your doctor will put you on about a 3 month evaluation for HRT. As it's likely you have two sources of depression, HRT WILL help with one of them. The doctor can then work on the other one without interference from the dysphoria. This is the only way I can see that you will get better and and I fear for you if something isn't done soon.

Are there support groups for trans people where you are? You need to be in a place where you're accepted and share a common experience. Too bad you weren't in the states as a student. We have a lot of students from your part of the world and it's a supportive environment. Whatever the case, you need to be with people that understand you. Killing yourself is letting the ignorant win at the cost of your life. F them. You're more important and special than their beliefs.


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Quote from: Saira128 on May 27, 2017, 08:03:47 AM
        I want to be happy, I want to smile, I want this ->-bleeped-<-storm to stop.
       Please help me.

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This can and will happen for you, but the only way it will happen is if you can pluck up the courage to pass through this dark period so you can come out the other side. As the saying goes: if you're going through hell, keep going.

Many - if not most - of us go through these dark patches as we transition. But things can and do improve as we move through transition. You're with the wrong therapist - one that is actively harmful to you - so don't go back there; find someone else who will help you move forward, because the longer you wait the worse your mental health will get. If you need more love & support from your family, do they know this? People aren't mind readers, and cis people generally have no idea how difficult this is for us unless we tell them, so please tell your family & friends that you're going through a really tough time right now & you need extra support.

I felt this way myself a couple of years ago when my family were vile towards me, and one of the things that pulled me back from the edge was my certain knowledge that my family would bury me as female & would misgender me forever. They'd probably also try to claim that I was mentally ill so they could absolve themselves of how their horrific behaviour drove me to extreme despair. Is it likely that your family will do similar? If so, you don't want to hand them an easy victory, do you?

Many of us have been there as well. This is not the time to quit this life. Sadly, too many of us have done exactly that.

You definitely need more help and your therapist is the place to go first, if you have the time. If this is overwhelming right now, then the crisis hotline or emergency room is where you need to go, pronto.

Do not give up. You and all the others like us are too valuable to just discard.

I think that you need to find a new therapist that actually understands you and know what your needs are. Committing suicide is like anybody's way of telling the world, that your ready to give up. Giving up isn't the answer. The answer is that you need to get through this part of your life and get help.

Remember,
Don't pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a hard one. - Bruce Lee


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As others have said, don't quit on pushing please!

I know things may get to be so frustrating, but please, just keep on pushing rain or shine.

As @Dena suggested, maybe moving towards HRT may be a good option to try. Also trying different meds and different psychological therapy approaches may help too. Life is worth a try although sometimes it can be impossible to figure.

There's always an option before ending it all. Even if it means picking up your luggage and travelling overseas, or whatever, but there's always an option.

I feel the same as you. At times maybe even worse. I almost did it to. But my wife showed early. And I had to put it off for a while. And thank god I did. Even though at times it gets bad. I am happy to be here. Not much has changed. But I think I will stay around a while. I have 2 of the top therapists in their field and it does not help. A few will tell you even though you go already that you need a therapist. That's bull. All I can say is it is true that Time heals all wounds if you open yourself up to new experiences. And etc..... I know you have heard it all by now. So you know what you need to do. It will get better. Take baby steps and keep moving forward no matter how slow it may seem. In a month or a week or even just a day things will start getting better if you let it. The problem is we want it now. But we never get it as fast as we need or even want it. Just remember we are here for you so use the resource right in front of you. I don't think there is a person on this site that would not welcome an IM from you. Talk to me. Talk to anyone. It helps. We are all here for you. And you never know. You might just be helping out someone by contacting them. We all need to talk. And sometime helping someone is the best help we can get.


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