So a little update on little ol me. Vicky I contacted a gender therapist near by me. I am seen by the local VA office but my therapist is really not that verse in dealing with trans Vets. Being it's the holiday weekend I'm gonna call tmrw and see if I can get a hold of them. She seems very reputable from profile on their website. I'm hopeful to start doing the things I need to be me once and for all again. I was on hormones back in 2014 and gave up after 9 long months of legally being me and changing my body. I regret it so much. I can only imagine what I'd look like now I'm slowly growing my hair out (buzzed it month or so ago). I want long beautiful hair so badly. I shave my body and wear a bralette time to time. But deff keep the panty wearing 24/7.

One thing I'm truly upset about is that my wife, whose known and accepted how I've felt with regards to who I really am, told me finally she only changed my name in her phone to make me happy. She only would text and talk about us as two happy lesbians post surgery using toys when in reality she finally told me she doesn't want me on hormones because she'll lose the one thing that keeps us together intimately, physically and emotionally. I'm so torn because I'm madly in love with her and don't want to be divorced for a 3rd time when and if I move up to taking hormones again. I'll never take them behind her back because that's wrong but I just don't know anymore.

My family and I had a falling out because I'm married to her (they don't like her) and in the past when they knew about me being trans they outcasted me from the family. (They don't know I'm still feeling this way) So now I'm left with only the love of my wife, yet idk where it's going to go when I start being me again with hrt. I tried to tell her how my mind was at ease when I was taking them but I just don't know right now

I'm one sad girl

Hi Vicky!

Thank you for your service my sister ( Semper Fi can mean always faithful to yourself as well )

I am sorry you are finding this section of the journey to be a dark one... The acceptance of those closest to us.. Especially a spouse can be such a hurdle to resolve... It sounds like your wife is trying but has some core issues that  may or may not be fixable with communication and therapy...These are a few thoughts on the matter that I had previously posted to another member of the forum but I hope you find something of value in my thoughts as well...

I often speak with fellow transwomen that find themself pulling the transition rabbit out of the hat after years of marriage where the spouse had zero clues or preparation... It is a very large rabbit indeed!...

Transition is just that.... A period of great change in your life.... There is literally no aspect of your life that will not be touched in some way.... As we go through changes of this magnitude, it is tempting to hold on to that which we had previously seen as solid points of reference.... Our closest relationships for example as a link to that which is familiar but, even these will feel transitions touch ... I don't know how things will play out for your relationship but I would urge you to recognize that your transition is unlocking your life from it's previous course and a world of possibilities are now yours to experience....

I myself went from a lifetime of relationships with women to being married the the most wonderful man in the world

I believe that transition, at it's core , is an attempt to place ourselves in a place in life where we can truly give and receive love... How can others love us if they have never truly known who we are inside... It is a spiritual quest on many levels

Transition... The journey we must take,  is a long climb up a steep mountain... Those around us sometimes cannot make the journey with us or they try with good intention but, find that their path is elsewhere... We keep climbing and find new people and experiences along the way to fill the voids that others once filled.... Wishing you a good climb and fulfillment as your journey unfolds!!!

Onward we go brave girl!

Ashley

I always mention/suggest (not only) to other girls ... the following:
Dr. Vitale's Website & Essays

Those Essays made all the difference in my life.
It was not until (right) after the WWW
came into being in the early/mid 1990's
that I was able to find them ...

Quote from: Annecy on May 29, 2017, 12:26:40 PM
I always mention/suggest (not only) to other girls ... the following:
Dr. Vitale's Website & Essays

Those Essays made all the difference in my life.
It was not until (right) after the WWW
came into being in the early/mid 1990's
that I was able to find them ...

Dr Vitale's work is some of the most concise I have ever seen! I am a Group 3 girl!!! When I speak to gender studies classes, I always reference her work!!!

Quote from: tgirlamc on May 29, 2017, 12:21:24 PM
Hi Vicky!

Thank you for your service my sister ( Semper Fi can mean always faithful to yourself as well )

I am sorry you are finding this section of the journey to be a dark one... The acceptance of those closest to us.. Especially a spouse can be such a hurdle to resolve... It sounds like your wife is trying but has some core issues that  may or may not be fixable with communication and therapy...These are a few thoughts on the matter that I had previously posted to another member of the forum but I hope you find something of value in my thoughts as well...

I often speak with fellow transwomen that find themself pulling the transition rabbit out of the hat after years of marriage where the spouse had zero clues or preparation... It is a very large rabbit indeed!...

Transition is just that.... A period of great change in your life.... There is literally no aspect of your life that will not be touched in some way.... As we go through changes of this magnitude, it is tempting to hold on to that which we had previously seen as solid points of reference.... Our closest relationships for example as a link to that which is familiar but, even these will feel transitions touch ... I don't know how things will play out for your relationship but I would urge you to recognize that your transition is unlocking your life from it's previous course and a world of possibilities are now yours to experience....

I myself went from a lifetime of relationships with women to being married the the most wonderful man in the world

I believe that transition, at it's core , is an attempt to place ourselves in a place in life where we can truly give and receive love... How can others love us if they have never truly known who we are inside... It is a spiritual quest on many levels

Transition... The journey we must take,  is a long climb up a steep mountain... Those around us sometimes cannot make the journey with us or they try with good intention but, find that their path is elsewhere... We keep climbing and find new people and experiences along the way to fill the voids that others once filled.... Wishing you a good climb and fulfillment as your journey unfolds!!!

Onward we go brave girl!

Ashley

Yes, my wife gets upset because when she works overnights, I am alone and in the mood and the things I look up, she's worried I'll go full board and eventually just want a man to please me. I do identify as bisexual, because I have been with plenty of men and women, sexually, but never a relationship with a man. I never saw a man as romantic and meaningful to be with for love and affection, especially a manly man, that is my ideal bod type yummy lol. Anyways, yeah my wife tells me that if I'm on hrt it will shrink and become non functional. Our sex is mind blowing, and she does please me anally but she finally has told me that her being pleased by a toy would not be what she wants. She wants Mike, and unfortunately I'm not Mike at all. Yeah I can play the part because it's easy, but it's not me

Biggest issue as well is communication. It's so hard for me to communicate with her and anyone else usually because my mind is in prepared mode for an argument and I hate confrontation. She always tells me I need help and to learn how to communicate. I feel I don't do too bad communicating but she's also said in marriage counseling months ago (we don't go anymore) that she loves me conditionally and not unconditionally, so when she's upset or mad with me, she won't use babe and baby, won't say I love you, or want to be near me or kiss etc. so it's very hard when I'm madly in love with her yet I have no other place to go anymore. I'm not suicidial though so no worries. I have a son (from previous marriage) who keeps me living and well each day.

Quote from: tgirlamc on May 29, 2017, 12:31:41 PM
"Dr Vitale's work is some of the most concise I have ever seen!
When I speak to gender studies classes, I always reference her work!!!"

@ Stanford University in Jan/2017
I personally most recently referenced Dr. Vitale ...
specifically how every human life begins life as a female embryo ...
(even XY/males and the InterSexed)
and every embryo "mutates" in (so far) unpredictable ways ...

Every human life begins as a female embryo
with a "female gender identity" and "female sexual orientation" ...
Whether or not XY/male embryos are"converted/mutated" into CIS/Hetero males
depends on how complete/effective the mutation process goes ...

Quote from: Annecy on May 29, 2017, 01:09:04 PM
@ Stanford University in Jan/2017
I personally most recently referenced Dr. Vitale ...
specifically how every human life begins life as a female embryo ...
(even XY/males and the InterSexed)
and every embryo "mutates" in (so far) unpredictable ways ...

Every human life begins as a female embryo
with a "female gender identity" and "female sexual orientation" ...
Whether or not XY/male embryos are"converted/mutated" into CIS/Hetero males
depends on how complete/effective the mutation process goes ...

Hence ... Male nipples!

Very nice girls, hate to be selfish but can I get some insight and thoughts on my last two replies? Lol hugs ~Vicky

Sorry ... for the "digression" ...

I made my original post above
'cuz (imo) reading those Essays by Dr. Vitale
might help give you (& your partner) some insight
into your situation/s ...

Okay here we go Vicky!

From what you wrote... I would say that she is very much in fear of losing what she has with you to what may come if you proceed further into transition... At the same time she is conflicted at some level at what it all means to how you two relate sexually and if she can see herself getting what she feels she needs sexually in the future.. were you to proceed

Her statement about her love for you being conditional not unconditional and the accompanying behavior sound like attempts to get you to aquiesce to something closer to her wishes... an attempt to gain some control on a situation where she feels she has lost control

This is a lot things to sort though!!!... If you want in the end to be transitioned AND still with your wife in a working marriage you have a lot to work through with her and there would be compromise and new perspective required on things from you both...

Sending good thoughts for you both to find a path forward!!!

Onward we go

Ashley

Ah I see. Yeah she is kinda on the fence I think cause I've gone so back and forth with how I feel about myself but I've told her it was cause I was so afraid of being alone and not having that emotional support from someone since I lost my family at the time due to it. I know I'm a woman just getting or atleast trying to find the motivation I lost and confidence as a marine when I was in. Idk :/ in so upset

Quote from: VickyJones89 on May 29, 2017, 04:46:04 PM
Ah I see. Yeah she is kinda on the fence I think cause I've gone so back and forth with how I feel about myself but I've told her it was cause I was so afraid of being alone and not having that emotional support from someone since I lost my family at the time due to it. I know I'm a woman just getting or atleast trying to find the motivation I lost and confidence as a marine when I was in. Idk :/ in so upset

Hi Vicky!...

Let me put a couple more thoughts out there for your consideration...these are just based on what you've written so far so please don't let me steer you in a direction that doesn't feel right to you..

There are always options in life... From the tone of what you've written so far.. I suspect that in your mind, at the end of the day,  a choice to NOT move further ahead down the path of transition would be a choice leading to a lot of regret and based mostly on clinging to the security of life as you now know it... There is nothing wrong with that but I think the thought of what your life could be is weighing on you

When I decided to transition... I felt that if I didn't... I would live my remaining years in regret and pretty much regard my life as a waste... At the same time, I felt I was choosing what would be a very lonely road in life... Happily.. I could not have been more wrong... Living authentically for the first time in my life, I found my connections to others and the world around me to be deeper and more meaningful than I had ever imagined...sometimes you have to jump off the cliff of transition to find out the wonders that lay below

You posted this today because you are finding yourself at a time of decision about how to deal with things you have carried with you for a lifetime... I hope you find yourself able to look at things from all angles and come to the decision that serves you best

Onward we go brave girl!!!

Ashley

Hi Vicky.  I can't give you any advice with this because I have never been through anything like that. I did want to say I am so sorry you are having such trouble. I hope things get better for you very soon.
Big hugs.

I am curious.  During that nine months you were on hormones, did you lose sexual function?  I ask only because I've been on HRT for a year and the only thing I have lost is the ability to produce seminal fluid.  Other than that, things work pretty much the same way they always have.

Which begs the question --  is the sex really the only thing holding the two of you together?  And is she really afraid of losing that, or does she know how much you like sex with her and is she using it as leverage to hold up or stop your transition?

Because there is nothing that says you have to undergo reassignment surgery.  But beyond that, I think you need to take a serious look at what is really going on with your relationship.  Frankly, I think you should prioritize your own mental health, because if no one else is going to be good to you, then you need to be good to you.

I remember what came out was different in consistency but no real function loss besides taking longer to climax. She's just worried because sex is not only physical but how she emotionally is connected to someone so she says. So she's worried if I take them I will become not able to please her physically and because she's concerned my sexuality will change in the end. Since she's read the same things I have that sometimes trans women go from being into women to begin with and then identify as being straight and liking males in the end :/

Quote from: tgirlamc on May 29, 2017, 05:52:41 PM

Hi Vicky!...

Let me put a couple more thoughts out there for your consideration...these are just based on what you've written so far so please don't let me steer you in a direction that doesn't feel right to you..

There are always options in life... From the tone of what you've written so far.. I suspect that in your mind, at the end of the day,  a choice to NOT move further ahead down the path of transition would be a choice leading to a lot of regret and based mostly on clinging to the security of life as you now know it... There is nothing wrong with that but I think the thought of what your life could be is weighing on you

When I decided to transition... I felt that if I didn't... I would live my remaining years in regret and pretty much regard my life as a waste... At the same time, I felt I was choosing what would be a very lonely road in life... Happily.. I could not have been more wrong... Living authentically for the first time in my life, I found my connections to others and the world around me to be deeper and more meaningful than I had ever imagined...sometimes you have to jump off the cliff of transition to find out the wonders that lay below

You posted this today because you are finding yourself at a time of decision about how to deal with things you have carried with you for a lifetime... I hope you find yourself able to look at things from all angles and come to the decision that serves you best

Onward we go brave girl!!!

Ashley

I know who I am Ashley I'm just scared of the future fully identifying and being visible to the entire world of who I am. That's what worries me. I'm worried about financials and just everyday living just wish I could wake up and be physically the woman I should have been from birth I want a do over but correct this time

Quote from: VickyJones89 on May 31, 2017, 03:33:03 PM
I know who I am Ashley I'm just scared of the future fully identifying and being visible to the entire world of who I am. That's what worries me. I'm worried about financials and just everyday living just wish I could wake up and be physically the woman I should have been from birth I want a do over but correct this time

Hi Vicky,

In all areas of our life we seek balance... GD can throw just about everything else in our lives out of balance and each of us has a lot to weigh as we choose how we are are going to make our lives work with an imbalance between our bodies and our spirits...Fear keeps us safe but sometimes the price of safety is that our deepest wishes go unfulfilled.... I hope you find your way to path forward that will balance all your needs!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley

Idk why but I smile every time I see a response from you on one of my things

Quote from: VickyJones89 on May 31, 2017, 10:20:19 PM
Idk why but I smile every time I see a response from you on one of my things

Onaccounta I'm spreading sunshine here girlfriend !!!!

Love your new pic! !!!!!