I feel a little blindsided, and I would love to hear your experiences, see if someone can relate to me and share some advice for me. Thanks for reading.

I recently had a conversation with my dad about me transitioning. If it's any constellation the conversation led me to venting on here about this in tears. I saw my dad today, he's not a big part of my life, but I still feel like I love him for the simple fact that he's my dad.

He says he doesn't think this is real, and other things. I know it is, but after everything, he wants to invalidate me and my feelings. He tends to always act like this when he comes back from Indiana (no offense to anyone who lives there but it is god awful). It hurts because I think it will always be like this. I think about when I present full time, that he will never fully love or accept me. I don't think I've ever received love from him, so that's nothing new, but I am upset that I confided in him only to have him disregard me completely.

I know I can't control the outcome, but it still hurts. I guess I'm not strong in my foundation. Let me know if you've had similar experiences, I know you're all strong, and it'd be really nice to get some guidance from those who get my plight.

My dad said the same thing, just don't change, might take a few years, but he will it's a real thing. My dad still isn't completely accepting, but he's come a long way.

I didn't have this with my parents but definitely did with my grandparents, to whom I've been extremely close with my entire life.  It took them about a year to come around. My grandmother recently told me (we just rekindled the relationship in the past few months) that they were both scared, and afraid that I would turn into someone else entirely. She told me that on her first visit again with me, that it was my eyes, and my energy that let her realize that I'm still me.

We were out for breakfast with my sister (from out of town) and being the Christian that she is brought up God and Christ. In any case that led to all of us singing "this little light of mine". That I think is when it clicked.

On the next visit she told me that "it seems like you've always been this way now" in reference to presenting as female.

I think there is a lot to be said about authenticity, people seem to really respond to that in my experience. Also definitely something to giving time to process. At least in my case it was just them finally realizing that fundamentally I was still me, and if anything I was finally portraying a more accurate depiction of who I have always been.

It doesn't make it any easier in the interim though. It still hurts and the loss of a relationship can be extremely difficult.

Something my parents drilled into me growing up. "For all we know each of us only had this one life. We have to live for ourselves before anyone else. If we go through life trying to please everyone and seek everyone's approval we will end up at dead ends, emotionally, physically and spiritually. It is up to you to live the life you want and need."

In times of uncertainty and alienation I keep coming back to this. Even if everything goes to crap I know I still did my best, and gave everyone else a chance while also allowing them to live their own life in the ways they want and need.

Hang in there. Even though I don't know you, I am proud of you. It takes great courage to be vulnerable and authentic. No one can take that away from you! You are going to be okay.

Hugs!
Brooke

I had the same with 2 of my long time friends and my mom. It took a while for one of my friends to come around... about a year. My mom wanted to get me a second opinion... pushed to get me on testosterone once, told me that it'll cause the same health issues my late father had (not true by the way). She eventually said that I looked pretty, but not welcomed at her house unless I go in drab. She gets a little better each time I see her. 1 of my friends never did come around in the last year and a half. The thing that I found works best is to just hold to your convictions and give them time to come around to the idea. Don't let them see you waiver from your beliefs... it's like blood in the water, it fuels their doubts about where you're going in your life. Time... just give it time.

Hey orchid. My mom is the same way. I finally had to stop all contact with her. After almost 4 years since I transitioned she still wouldn't accept me as her son. I really hope your dad comes around. But if he doesn't you might have to cut ties with him down the road. Hopefully not.
Lucas

I have the same issues with my Dad...I treid to approach name and pronouns with him awhile ago and he spat back at me he would only ever use the name he had given and as for the other..ppfffft...Now about 3 month ago I told both my parents that the time had come that I had been warning them, about and that from this point forward please use my name and pronouns...how ever don't sweat it if you can't do it immediately but out of respect for me I would expect you to try....bottom line...My Mum has not used correct pronouns but she also hasn't misgendered me...to me that is a win...My Dad is just be an ass about it...had the makeup and dangly earing going along with sporting freshly done hair and he still used my old male name and male pronouns....I got to talk with him in a few days. I think what will happen is I will correct him and we will have a fight...

So what do I do...fight? Nope I will no longer ignore his refusal to use my pronouns but as time progresses he looks sillier and sillier...each time he gets it wrong I will correct him. I won't be nasty, I will just correct him...He has an issue with taking this seriously but I have already shown him before just how seriously I take this...maybe he just needs a little memory jog   

Hey everyone who replied, and anyone just discovering this thread! Hi! I'm actually doing a lot better now. It was cathartic to post that, and an hour after I did I had a talk (that might have gone against some of the comments here, sorry, had I read the replies I received I probably would have been more reserved) with my dad about this. It wasn't really a conversation that required two people...

My dad tried to start talking to me, telling me "can I tell you how I feel about this?" My mom walked in the room at the time, and I just felt something come over me in that instant. In different words (I can't remember what exactly I said, sorry) I said that we have talked about this many times, and as much as I think there is change, positive change, as you showed me today there isn't. It will be this way. For a while anyway. We will disagree on this. But this is my life, and I cannot keep feeling sad for myself, so it's best we don't talk anymore about the topic because I won't for the time being receive your love and support, and that is fine, I have to accept it.

Honestly I'm surprised that came out of my mouth, clearly it felt good, don't know if it was the right thing to say because clearly I was emotional, but my dad went off somewhere. I think I did what was best. No matter how many conversations I have, if they choose to discard the things I say, just throw it all away, then that's a testament to who they are as people and I'm not going to have that in my life. At least while they stay that way.

I can only reply to a few today, but I really appreciate all of the comments. I'm sorry I didn't read them sooner, work got me trapped.

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on May 29, 2017, 08:05:14 PM
My dad said the same thing, just don't change, might take a few years, but he will it's a real thing. My dad still isn't completely accepting, but he's come a long way.

I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I hope he comes through the end just like my dad should. I guess my dad could be worse, but he isn't. This is actually tolerable I guess.

Quote from: Brooke on May 29, 2017, 08:36:20 PM
I didn't have this with my parents but definitely did with my grandparents, to whom I've been extremely close with my entire life.  It took them about a year to come around. My grandmother recently told me (we just rekindled the relationship in the past few months) that they were both scared, and afraid that I would turn into someone else entirely. She told me that on her first visit again with me, that it was my eyes, and my energy that let her realize that I'm still me.

We were out for breakfast with my sister (from out of town) and being the Christian that she is brought up God and Christ. In any case that led to all of us singing "this little light of mine". That I think is when it clicked.

On the next visit she told me that "it seems like you've always been this way now" in reference to presenting as female.

I think there is a lot to be said about authenticity, people seem to really respond to that in my experience. Also definitely something to giving time to process. At least in my case it was just them finally realizing that fundamentally I was still me, and if anything I was finally portraying a more accurate depiction of who I have always been.

It doesn't make it any easier in the interim though. It still hurts and the loss of a relationship can be extremely difficult.

Something my parents drilled into me growing up. "For all we know each of us only had this one life. We have to live for ourselves before anyone else. If we go through life trying to please everyone and seek everyone's approval we will end up at dead ends, emotionally, physically and spiritually. It is up to you to live the life you want and need."

In times of uncertainty and alienation I keep coming back to this. Even if everything goes to crap I know I still did my best, and gave everyone else a chance while also allowing them to live their own life in the ways they want and need.

Hang in there. Even though I don't know you, I am proud of you. It takes great courage to be vulnerable and authentic. No one can take that away from you! You are going to be okay.

Hugs!
Brooke

Wow! That's so what I needed to hear, thank you for being open about this. Authenticity sounds like a must have in fortifying relationships when you come out as trans. That is my problem. It's really that simple. I know it would be strange for them to see me like this, but at the same time my entire life I've had to deal with being 'mistaken' as female... I suppose they just don't see me the way strangers do. My mom has definitely come a long way, and I can actually count on her for support which a year ago would have been challenging. My dad is human - as much as I am convinced he is an apathetic robot, there's something in him that sees me. I just know it.

-hugs- Brooke, this really helped, thank you so much for your insight.

Quote from: Harley Quinn on May 29, 2017, 08:38:14 PM
I had the same with 2 of my long time friends and my mom. It took a while for one of my friends to come around... about a year. My mom wanted to get me a second opinion... pushed to get me on testosterone once, told me that it'll cause the same health issues my late father had (not true by the way). She eventually said that I looked pretty, but not welcomed at her house unless I go in drab. She gets a little better each time I see her. 1 of my friends never did come around in the last year and a half. The thing that I found works best is to just hold to your convictions and give them time to come around to the idea. Don't let them see you waiver from your beliefs... it's like blood in the water, it fuels their doubts about where you're going in your life. Time... just give it time.

What's great is that finally there is a community I can relate to what everyone is saying, to the period. Or a t. Whatever that saying is. Anyway I'm sorry your mom pushed for testosterone, my mom did too. I'm gonna give my family more time with this, but that's it. I'm gonna let them ride it out, but stay true to myself. I've noticed in the time I started HRT, things are a lot better between us.

Quote from: Transdude on May 29, 2017, 10:16:00 PM
Hey orchid. My mom is the same way. I finally had to stop all contact with her. After almost 4 years since I transitioned she still wouldn't accept me as her son. I really hope your dad comes around. But if he doesn't you might have to cut ties with him down the road. Hopefully not.
Lucas

Lucas... I'm really sorry this happened with your mom. I can't imagine how that must have been. I read a lot of your posts- do you think there's a chance your mom will come through? I'm sure you're a wonderful son for her. She needs to open her eyes to it.

I think I'm going to have to go down the same road you did with my father. This really sucks. I really hesitate to say that I'm strong enough because I don't think I am. It's for the best that way. My dad was a pastor, actually met my mother at bible college. It just... it is ingrained in him to loathe me. It's not going to be easy. I'm definitely going to have to cut him out of my life. It's for the best.. right. All for the best.

Quote from: ElizabethK on May 30, 2017, 04:50:29 AM
I have the same issues with my Dad...I treid to approach name and pronouns with him awhile ago and he spat back at me he would only ever use the name he had given and as for the other..ppfffft...Now about 3 month ago I told both my parents that the time had come that I had been warning them, about and that from this point forward please use my name and pronouns...how ever don't sweat it if you can't do it immediately but out of respect for me I would expect you to try....bottom line...My Mum has not used correct pronouns but she also hasn't misgendered me...to me that is a win...My Dad is just be an ass about it...had the makeup and dangly earing going along with sporting freshly done hair and he still used my old male name and male pronouns....I got to talk with him in a few days. I think what will happen is I will correct him and we will have a fight...

So what do I do...fight? Nope I will no longer ignore his refusal to use my pronouns but as time progresses he looks sillier and sillier...each time he gets it wrong I will correct him. I won't be nasty, I will just correct him...He has an issue with taking this seriously but I have already shown him before just how seriously I take this...maybe he just needs a little memory jog   

Wow. You're handling things way better than I ever could. It takes a firm but at the same time gentle hand to do this just right. It really is just correcting them- you're not lying to them, persuading them to do this, you're correcting them because it is the right thing for them to say the right pronouns. I'm pretty sure this was my a-ha moment. Thanks Queen O.

Thanks for that. Oh, and the reminder. Oh god. I have to explain to them about pronouns and my preferred name at some  point. I'm sooo terrified to push it. I'm also the kind of person that if someone has an ounce of issues with something I will apologize and say it's totally fine not to worry about it yadda yadda. Even if internally I'm boiling inside. I think I know what they'll say but I might be wrong. Jeez. I honestly don't know, they're really isolated from my personal life, I pretty much just see them in their house and that's that. I don't know. It is important for me to try though.

Orchid,
   It sounds like you stood up for yourself pretty well. I think at 22 there is a tendency for them to still see you as a kid, trans or not. There is a process of moving away from that that takes some time. You sound like you know what you want in life, in whatever your transition looks like. Am I correct? Maybe you need to realize that you are building  a life for yourself. You will find pieces of the life you will have at 30, 40, 50 etc. and you will find them at different times and different places. Your dad thinks he is in  a position of power in your life. Maybe he thinks he can intimidate you out of this thing he doesn't like. What neither of you may realize right now is his influence will only decline with you if he disrespects you. You will find other pieces (people, places) for you to have a rich life for yourself. He is a fool if he thinks his negativity will rule your path. What you should remember is you should stay strong in what you want, positively work toward what you want, and he will eventually see the inevitability of how this is gonna turn out. Emotionally, it is tough and I sympathize with the hurt it causes. I am just thinking that an eye to the long term may help your frame of mind. You have more potential, more power than you may see at this point. Of course he may never come around. It is possible. But do you need someone like that in your life making you miserable  because he is ignorant or stubborn. There is so much positive out there, seek it out, embrace it.
Moni

Im well past my parent's sphere of influence so their ideas don't concern me. Am I a man? A woman? A hybrid? A freak? Don't know. But I feel good. People see me and see a man. I am me and I'm fine with that, because I took myself past the boundaries people placed in front of me and decided no,  I wont be set back.

People see me as a man, I am a man to myself. My friends acknowledge this and care about me, and have treated me no different before and after.

My patents just have different ideas in their head, and I dont want to argue with them. These days I just keep it civil, let them feel about me how they want to feel.



As far as if it's "real". I feel it in myself, but besides feeling, I see it in the world, in how we're wired, how we grow. Science is a useful tool for knowledge, there's so much misconception on what makes the sex of a person, and small anomalies the majority of society ignores. There are different people in the world, all different in physical aspects. It's all there, nothing I ever "felt" was made up, I would never let myself feel that way if I knew I was delusional and it wasn't backed up by true facts, you can't disregard real things in the world, and you cant disregard real things in yourself

Quote from: Orchid on June 01, 2017, 09:24:44 AM
I'm also the kind of person that if someone has an ounce of issues with something I will apologize and say it's totally fine not to worry about it yadda yadda. Even if internally I'm boiling inside. ....

In this respect I think many of us feel as you do but for me there is rapidly coming a time  where, I won't tolerate the use of my old name or being misgendered under any circumstance.

Getting my presentation to where I am starting to like myself has cost plenty of blood, sweat, tears and cash... I am not giving yanyone an option as to wether you use them or not.