Hey, y'all!

So, I'm out to my wife and our regular therapist.  While the therapist is telling me to explore my revelation, being completely honest about who and what I am, my wife just doesn't get it.  She's supportive of me dressing at home (can't transition right now for various professional, social, and religious reasons), she thinks that my dysphoria is just a suppressed like of "pretty" and "girly" things.  Honestly, if I could make my dysphoria go away, and never wear an article of women's clothing, I would. If I could make it disappear, and never take a single pill, or shave a single hair, or ANYTHING ever again, I would.  She knows that my goal is not a social transition (my dysphoria is mostly mental, and quite a bit of my body, but not really my social role, at least right now), but she seems to want to push me down that road, but prevent me from taking hormones.  She's okay with me being a cross-dresser, even okay with me getting a more femme haircut (when it's long enough, it's almost to my shoulders right now, and I need to keep a reasonable male-mode).  But she is not okay with me becoming more feminine is my body, my mannerisms, etc.  She doesn't even like me wearing a bra and small breast enhancers to make myself more comfortable. In fact, a full transition would split us and keep me from my kids (why I want to avoid it if possible).

Good news, she and I went shopping, and we got me some women's jeans, a few tops, a couple of skirts, and one dress that will be great to go out in with some girlfriends if my wife allows it (I am out to one very accepting friend who wants me to hang with her squad).

Just send me good thoughts, good vibes, strong prayers.  This is going to be a roller coaster.  Hopefully one which allows me to take slow, measured steps so we can get to just past the dysphoria, and see where we end up.  Thanks.

Love y'all,
Ivy

When in a relationship, "Balance is Everything". Far easier said then done. And take it from me dealing with a wife that knew from Day 1 about my "Gender Issues" some almost 40 years ago. I spent 50 some on years wishing the GD would "Go Away" or in some way can "Beat It".... It took the excrement hitting the air handler one too many times to FINALLY realize..... perhaps I need to change my approach.

For the better part of 40 years my wife, SO, BFF, Reality Therapist, and I, have struck some sort of balance. It's work, and both both parties have to feel it is worth it

Just a question, did she knew you were possibly transgender before marriage, or at least feminine?

If not, I think it's okay to give her time to adjust, I think she's taking it better than most would be in that situation.

Based on my many years of experience and keen eyesight (sorry, just a funny Missouri expression) I can see this NOT staying as just crossdressing, and gender dysphoria NOT going away or being suppressed to anyone's satisfaction.  I think the only thing you should take slow is getting thru to yourself and your wife that you want to address the dysphoria directly and effectively, which will not be done by just wearing what she allows you at home.

Been there, done that.  I know the things you mention that hamper you coming out socially are important to you.  Trust me, I really do.  I would posit also that addressing the dysphoria is more important to you.  I am guessing your therapist agrees?

I have to say after reading your post, my feelings are very similar to Ainsley's because I've been in the same boat. It took me a long time to come to terms with my own gender identity. Personally, I had a lot of denial that stemmed from my desire to hold my marriage together, live up to everyone's expectations of me, etc.  Even after I came to the conclusion that I needed to transition, I still was not fully honest with myself or my wife.  I kept trying to minimize or understate things to spare her feelings.  It's cause a lot of additional pain and really complicated things for us.

As it stands now, I've fully accepted that I am a woman, that transition is the only thing that will allow me to continue to be in this life, and I've accepted the fact that my marriage will never be the same as a result and may not survive at all. That last point was very hard to accept, and there were countless times where I thought I had come to accept it only to realize I was still in denial. 

Your experience may be different, but like Ainsley, when I read what you had to post a lot of it resonated with me and I have to wonder if you maybe have some layers of similar denial that you need to work through as well.

Quote from: IvyRenee on May 30, 2017, 07:05:01 PM
Hey, y'all!

So, I'm out to my wife and our regular therapist.  While the therapist is telling me to explore my revelation, being completely honest about who and what I am, my wife just doesn't get it.  She's supportive of me dressing at home (can't transition right now for various professional, social, and religious reasons), she thinks that my dysphoria is just a suppressed like of "pretty" and "girly" things.  Honestly, if I could make my dysphoria go away, and never wear an article of women's clothing, I would. If I could make it disappear, and never take a single pill, or shave a single hair, or ANYTHING ever again, I would.  She knows that my goal is not a social transition (my dysphoria is mostly mental, and quite a bit of my body, but not really my social role, at least right now), but she seems to want to push me down that road, but prevent me from taking hormones.  She's okay with me being a cross-dresser, even okay with me getting a more femme haircut (when it's long enough, it's almost to my shoulders right now, and I need to keep a reasonable male-mode).  But she is not okay with me becoming more feminine is my body, my mannerisms, etc.  She doesn't even like me wearing a bra and small breast enhancers to make myself more comfortable. In fact, a full transition would split us and keep me from my kids (why I want to avoid it if possible).

Good news, she and I went shopping, and we got me some women's jeans, a few tops, a couple of skirts, and one dress that will be great to go out in with some girlfriends if my wife allows it (I am out to one very accepting friend who wants me to hang with her squad).

Just send me good thoughts, good vibes, strong prayers.  This is going to be a roller coaster.  Hopefully one which allows me to take slow, measured steps so we can get to just past the dysphoria, and see where we end up.  Thanks.

Love y'all,
Ivy

That's very tough. But I really don't know what you expect. She married a man, or so she thought. That she's not ok with you wearing a bra is the least of it. She must be absolutely devastated, and where you've had a lifetime to know this, she's had it sprung on her. Now she's either going have to like it (go on an unexpected and unwelcome journey to becoming a lesbian - and frankly, why should she? People can't just change their sexual preferences as you know better than most), or lump it (file for divorce). Either way, her romantic dreams and everything she staked her future on have been shattered. And will further shatter publicly.

Nobody likes to admit to having backed a losing horse. Particularly one they've staked everything on. Every publicly declared desire, every childhood hope, every dream for the future.

I really do feel for both of you, and I hope you find a way forward.

I'm sorry this struggle is something you're going through, but it certainly isn't  uncommon. Most SOs don't really understand where we're coming from, even when they are fully supportive, and how can they? They haven't spent their lives questioning their gender or identities. Communication and working to relearn each other is what will help. Just be prepared for it not to. At every point I've thought my wife understood what I've been going through I've turned out to have been proven wrong and I just keep being further disappointed.

Quote from: alex82 on May 31, 2017, 02:14:38 PM
That's very tough. But I really don't know what you expect. She married a man, or so she thought. That she's not ok with you wearing a bra is the least of it. She must be absolutely devastated, and where you've had a lifetime to know this, she's had it sprung on her. Now she's either going have to like it (go on an unexpected and unwelcome journey to becoming a lesbian - and frankly, why should she? People can't just change their sexual preferences as you know better than most), or lump it (file for divorce). Either way, her romantic dreams and everything she staked her future on have been shattered. And will further shatter publicly.

Nobody likes to admit to having backed a losing horse. Particularly one they've staked everything on. Every publicly declared desire, every childhood hope, every dream for the future.

I really do feel for both of you, and I hope you find a way forward.

So, yea, I am just not sure about this perspective, tbh. 

It does not fit with what happened to my marriage when I transitioned.  My wife and I are still married...for 26 years now.  She is not making an unwelcome journey to being a lesbian (she will tell you she is ainsleysexual).  I won't go into detail of everything, but I think generalizing things to this negative perspective is not accurate.

Quote from: alex82 on May 31, 2017, 02:14:38 PM
That's very tough. But I really don't know what you expect. She married a man, or so she thought. That she's not ok with you wearing a bra is the least of it. She must be absolutely devastated, and where you've had a lifetime to know this, she's had it sprung on her. Now she's either going have to like it (go on an unexpected and unwelcome journey to becoming a lesbian - and frankly, why should she? People can't just change their sexual preferences as you know better than most), or lump it (file for divorce). Either way, her romantic dreams and everything she staked her future on have been shattered. And will further shatter publicly.

Nobody likes to admit to having backed a losing horse. Particularly one they've staked everything on. Every publicly declared desire, every childhood hope, every dream for the future.

I really do feel for both of you, and I hope you find a way forward.

I couldn't agree with you anymore. Very realistic perspective you have.

Quote from: alex82 on May 31, 2017, 02:14:38 PM
That's very tough. But I really don't know what you expect. She married a man, or so she thought. That she's not ok with you wearing a bra is the least of it. She must be absolutely devastated, and where you've had a lifetime to know this, she's had it sprung on her. Now she's either going have to like it (go on an unexpected and unwelcome journey to becoming a lesbian - and frankly, why should she? People can't just change their sexual preferences as you know better than most), or lump it (file for divorce). Either way, her romantic dreams and everything she staked her future on have been shattered. And will further shatter publicly.

Nobody likes to admit to having backed a losing horse. Particularly one they've staked everything on. Every publicly declared desire, every childhood hope, every dream for the future.

I really do feel for both of you, and I hope you find a way forward.

Tell me Alex what's your view on divorce in cis-society? Sure it's hard on everyone when a transgender person comes out and the marriage breaks down, but you make it sound so horribly different than a standard divorce.  People change all the time and get divorced or come to some sort of agreement to deal with the change.  It's not just a transgender thing.

Also sex isn't everything in a marriage.  People who have loved each other for years can sometimes persevere without sex and still be happy.  Jennifer Finney Boylan marriage is an example of this.


Take care,
Paige

Quote from: ainsley on May 31, 2017, 03:20:11 PM
So, yea, I am just not sure about this perspective, tbh. 

It does not fit with what happened to my marriage when I transitioned.  My wife and I are still married...for 26 years now.  She is not making an unwelcome journey to being a lesbian (she will tell you she is ainsleysexual).  I won't go into detail of everything, but I think generalizing things to this negative perspective is not accurate.

Like Ainsley, my wife and family are in a MUCH better place than before transition....there is no doubt.  However, for my wife it came down to timing.  Although she knew about this part of me from the very beginning it's evolved over the years and she wasn't immediately open to a transition when I "hinted" 4-5 years back.  At that point I probably would have sounded a lot like you.  It would have been a transition followed by a likely divorce.  My wife said similar things..."you can dress around the house but it stays secret", "you absolutely can't tell our family/friends/son" etc.  My dysphoria hadn't boiled over at that point and I was able to manage it so I shelved the conversation and had my "fun" in private...together, but in private.  As you all know, that doesn't ever last and the GD grew into an uncontrollable beast and I blew all my gaskets.  When I went back to my wife with the actuality of the lost struggle, she understood and accepted me with open arms.  The difference was that SHE was also at the right place in her life to support this journey together.   My wife (and son) is my biggest supporter, my pit bull/protector, my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my backbone when I need it,  ....my love!  I could absolutely NOT do this without her.

The point is not to give up on her.  Perhaps SHE just isn't in a comfortable and confident place in HER life quite yet to accept this.  Support her, and maybe she will be there to support you.  Life is ALWAYS better with someone you love, respect and can be completely open with.

I have a friend in Vegas I visit twice a year. We worked together 30 years ago. She is such a cheerleader we could call her Toni Basil. I go, she picks out clothes for me. My wife does not want to address it and I try to accommodate her. But it is getting harder and harder. She knew I cross-dressed before we married. It makes all the difference when you have someone on your side though and it's not that the wife is not on my side. She loves me. We have two grown children which are the most important people in our lives. When I went for therapy, I had two objectives. 1. get it off my chest  2. See if I actually was a pervert. Thankfully I solved both problems. I have no regrets. After therapy I was looking for mental clarity and for the first time in a long time I am whole. I don't have the anger I carried with me that destroyed most my relationships. Yes I have some boobs and my butt is more feminine. My face is growing feminine, my hair is shoulder length. Downstairs the walnuts have become pecans. What little diddler I had, is now almost non existent. But I am no longer ashamed to hug people, to let them talk to me. I express myself more. I am more involved and less introverted. I think at this time the last 9 months have been the best time of our lives because I don't have to cover up. I really don't care what peoples perceptions are, and saying so, is easy to say, and hard to control. But I'm trying. Just be totally truthful. My first wife cheated on me and I became distrustful of everyone and it carried over into my present marriage. Good wishes for a successful transition and if your wife truly loves you, she will accommodate. My wife has said I have been so nice lately that she wishes I had started HRT earlier. I don't know if she was trying to make me feel good or if she really means it, but I'll take it.

Dawn

Quote from: Paige on May 31, 2017, 03:50:03 PM
Tell me Alex what's your view on divorce in cis-society? Sure it's hard on everyone when a transgender person comes out and the marriage breaks down, but you make it sound so horribly different than a standard divorce.  People change all the time and get divorced or come to some sort of agreement to deal with the change.  It's not just a transgender thing.

Also sex isn't everything in a marriage.  People who have loved each other for years can sometimes persevere without sex and still be happy.  Jennifer Finney Boylan marriage is an example of this.


Take care,
Paige

I thought she was "intimate" with her wife again?


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Quote from: Gertrude on May 31, 2017, 09:43:01 PM

I thought she was "intimate" with her wife again?

Yes but I believe it took many years after Jennifer's transition. 

Yeah, it did


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I remember seeing an interview with Jennifer & her wife on Oprah when I was a teenager & still totally suppressing being trans. All I could think when I heard her story was "I hope that doesn't happen to me." Low and behold, a good 12 years later...

Hello Ivy,

Usually I'm a lurker here, have posted when I was starting questioning my dysphoria. My situation was pretty much like yours is now just recently. I revealed to my wife that I liked to crossdress right after we married, and I was prepared for the worse, but we remained together, and crossdressing even became something we accepted and even slightly enjoyed. Everything was good, but of course that wasn't enough for me. Crossdressing wasn't sufficient, it wasn't solving my desire to actually be a woman and one day I sat and told to myself: time is running out... I am 35 yo and there isn't a single day that I think that I need to be a woman, in everything I do. I had to come to terms with that or keep questioning myself forever, and things would only got worse... I knew that I needed to see a therapist. I revealed this to my wife beginning of this year, and she got devastated of course. We're 4 years into our marriage and 10 years together.
This time I was really counting on parting ways with her, and even was making plans for a future alone, no matter how much I wanted her to remain with me. But, she stayed... after 1-2 months of struggle, tears, we ended up having one decisive discussion and she finally told me that she did not want to break up. And she asked me if I wanted her to leave... well, of course NOT! Then she said: ok, so we must make ourselves the most happier we can and grow old together as planned...
So, there are surprises... specially when there is so much love involved. Even though I really don't know if that will last, specially when I start transitioning, she accepted the challenge to at least start it out...
So if you both love each other, talk to each other... give her space and time to think, research... as others said here, you had your entire life to think about your predicament, but it is probably something foreign and bombastic to her and she will have to be really strong in the near future, deal with a transition as you are dealing (and she did not sign for it when you married! )
I wish the best of luck to you both. To us all!

Quote from: Rambler on June 01, 2017, 09:04:21 AM
I remember seeing an interview with Jennifer & her wife on Oprah when I was a teenager & still totally suppressing being trans. All I could think when I heard her story was "I hope that doesn't happen to me." Low and behold, a good 12 years later...

I love Jenny. I've read 3 of her books, one twice and was moved to email her and got a response. I'd love to meet her some day.


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Quote from: alex82 on May 31, 2017, 02:14:38 PM
That's very tough. But I really don't know what you expect. She married a man, or so she thought. That she's not ok with you wearing a bra is the least of it. She must be absolutely devastated, and where you've had a lifetime to know this, she's had it sprung on her. Now she's either going have to like it (go on an unexpected and unwelcome journey to becoming a lesbian - and frankly, why should she? People can't just change their sexual preferences as you know better than most), or lump it (file for divorce). Either way, her romantic dreams and everything she staked her future on have been shattered. And will further shatter publicly.

Nobody likes to admit to having backed a losing horse. Particularly one they've staked everything on. Every publicly declared desire, every childhood hope, every dream for the future.

I really do feel for both of you, and I hope you find a way forward.

Absolutely all of this.

This is my wife. This is what has happened with my marriage. She absolutely loves me deeply but cannot stay with me and I completely understand why. It took a lot of grieving by myself to see things from her perspective.


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Quote from: ainsley on May 31, 2017, 03:20:11 PM
So, yea, I am just not sure about this perspective, tbh. 

It does not fit with what happened to my marriage when I transitioned.  My wife and I are still married...for 26 years now.  She is not making an unwelcome journey to being a lesbian (she will tell you she is ainsleysexual).  I won't go into detail of everything, but I think generalizing things to this negative perspective is not accurate.

That's your experience, which is great.

This persons wife is not 'ainsleysexual' and is struggling with something that she has no obligation to accept. She has a right to that perspective.