Hi Everyone,

I just made an appointment for counseling so I can get access to T, and I'm really excited!  But with that comes a really scary issue.  I was wondering if anyone has experience coming out to someone they have a custody agreement with, and how you approached it/what advice you'd give.  I have primary residential custody of my fifteen year old daughter, with time shared about 60% with me and 40% with her Dad.  I had to go to custody court in 2015 to get that acknowledged, and it was...rough.  He slandered me and forced her out of therapy and left everyone pretty shaken up.

My daughter knows my gender and is very comfortable with it, as do my employer and friends and pretty much everyone except my Dad and my ex-husband.  My ex-husband is pretty transphobic; he's polite about it in public, but my daughter gets upset regularly because he'll tell her "there's two genders and they're xx/xy," and if she fights him he'll say "what, do you want to be called Arnold now?" She is not trans-identified, but it's upsetting for her since she has trans-identified friends and, of course, me.  At the same time, custody court is very stressful, and she's an anxious kid.  She's not comfortable in his home, but she says it's much easier to deal with that part-time than deal with court, and I respect that and want to avoid it if possible.

I don't feel I can continue to wait on taking T--not for three years.  But I also don't know how to approach telling him, or how he'll react to the fact that our daughter already knows. I don't think he wants the cost of going to court, but he was a very abusive spouse, and more than any other aspect of my transition, this interaction terrifies me.

Any experiences or advice on how to approach this would be so appreciated.  I know this isn't a legal forum and nobody here can predict the future, but hearing some other stories (in conjunction with talking to someone at the transhealth initiative, which I'm doing tomorrow) might help me decide how best to move forward.

Thanks,
Z

I don't know how to deal with your ex, but the first thing if there are legal issues is to see your attorney. Rights vary depending on where you live so you will need to know what applies in your case. After that, you may want to discuss this with your therapist who will help you understand how to handle this. I suspect there is a good deal more to this than is included in this post so talk with the experts on this where you can get into the details.

Thanks Dena, and sorry for the delayed reply--busy with Pride weekend. :-)

I understand your take there--my Dad works in custody law, and people often manipulate narratives or present selectively to garner sympathy, so it's very hard to get a clear picture from a post like this one.  For what it's worth, there aren't any existing legal issues, just a rather extensive history of abuse, and a willingness to emotionally harm our kid when angry with me--unfortunately, that's often what happens when you move out at fifteen and select much older partners based on their ability/willingness to provide you with housing, and it's incredibly difficult to document. The good news is, it's almost over; I have a really amazing kid who will be in my life forever, but I won't have to worry about her Dad aside from the occasional event once she's past eighteen. 

It's just that some part of my brain says "if you transition you'll be the worst person ever because X person might do something scary," which is such an uncomfortable feelings.

...and I'm in New York State, so not too bad.  The custody case was settled in 2015, and it's been (mostly) quiet since then--I don't think the court was as sympathetic as he expected, and I'm hoping that gives him pause.  Just in case, I'm going to ask the lawyer that runs our local name change clinic if gender identity is considered cause for re-opening a custody case--they're very picky, so I'm not sure that it is.  I haven't moved or changed her school or anything else that would represent a substantial "material change in circumstance."

I'll make sure I swing back around to this thread after chatting with the lawyer, and again after I talk to the ex, just in case it's useful to someone else later. :-)